ding ding ding!!!

so, a few weeks ago, someone brought it to my attention that i did something awful. and it was my job to figure out what it was. so, i thought long and hard about it for about a week, speculated about some things, then said fuck it. i dont really care.

then a few days ago, i started thinking about it again and today... VOILA!!! figured it out with 100% certainty. so now i really dont have to think about it anymore. mystery solved.

look whos back...

i've decided its time to start writing again and do something cathartic and productive and whatever, so... here i am. the adventure continues.

i've had this verse of a song whirling around my head all day... "and if this were a book, i'd call this song the final chapter, if you read it you'd be laughing..." so, i kinda took it as a sign, or a note to self. clearly, this verse has significant meaning to me or it wouldn't be repeating. and i realized that its time to start a new book. i get to write my own life, my own story. and sometimes you just gotta know when to fold and throw in your cards and say, fuck, this story that i'm writing is never going to be a best-seller, and even though i've spent many a night cross-referencing and finding the right words and phrases and descriptive language, no one's gonna want to read this, and you just toss it in the fire. a manuscript no one knew existed. and start over.

so, once upon a time...

just a quickie.

right before i moved to texas, he said "you can't get pregnant right after your period."

quote of the day: "ovulation. not the only time to get pregnant." nice.



also, weird. my pictures below posted in a totally different order than i uplaoded them. dont get it...

kick me while i'm down. please.

just as i start feeling pretty good about myself, god decides to throw me for another loop. testing me? i dunno. whatever it is, it sucks. i read this great thing that said "for every finger you point, remember three are pointing back at you." so, that being said, i've had about a million insults and judgements of character thrown my direction over the last week or so that bruised my sense of self pretty badly and made me feel pretty crappy about myself. i mean, i guess i'm dealing with them far better than i would have in the past in that instead of getting defensive or hurtful or saying fuck it and sitting around being depressed, i've decided to take these things with a grain of salt, but take them nonetheless and look at them. add them to my inventory. maybe if people feel this way about me, it is worth a real honest look at what these people have to say and take a real honest look at myself. i mean, yeah, someone tells you something shitty it sucks. maybe i did sit around for a day or two having a pity-party. these things definately made me question myself. for a minute, i felt like saying fuck it to all the work i've been doing because if i'm that shitty of a person then why the fuck bother. i guess the point is, if any of you have something to say about me, nows the time. i'm receptive to whatever you have to say, and i am willing to add this to my list of defects and look at them and address them and figure out what to do to change them to be a better person. sometimes i can't see something about myself that others can, so i'm asking for help. i need it.

as it stands.

so, fuck. after thinking long and hard about this i've decided that i pretty much have to go back to california to see the lawrence arms. both nights. maybe 3, if i have time to go to SLO. i thought about how much fun it was the last time they came to the bay and that pretty much, that was the best weekend of my life. then i looked at my pictures from last time and further decided i have to go. i know this time wont be exactly the same as last, but i do know that i heart TLA, that there are a ton of old friends i generally only see when the lawrence arms play, my friend ethan said he would go with me, like last time, and since he doesnt drink that also means that in addition to having his company, i also have a sober ride home. so. fuck it.

the lawrence arms are ruining my life.

so, i have some time to kill before work, also some catching up to do, and since i will be out a computer for an indefinate amount of time to have it repaired, this is going to be a big one.

first, let me start by saying that the lawrence arms hate me and they are ruining my life. so, anyone who knows me knows that this is like, one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE bands. also, anyone who knows me well knows that i've been bitching about how they havent been on tour for years and that its about fucking time. last show they played was november of 2007, and it was pretty much the best weekend ever. anyway. so they are about to go on tour again... and NOT to texas. at all. where are they going? thats right. california. 2 nights in san francisco, one night in SLO, a few nights in orange county and LA. what this means to me: i'd prefer to see them in orange county for several reasons but can't because it conflicts with fun, fun, fun fest, so looks like i'm coming back to the bay much sooner than i anticipated, and much sooner than i would like to. the good news is that bottom of the hill is probably my favorite venue in san francisco, not to mention my favorite place to see TLA, so if i have to go back to san francisco at least this will be worth it. of course, it would all just be a shit-ton easier if they would just play in texas dammit, especially since it is so much closer to chicago.

another few notes about bands. TONS of good shows are coming up, and the line up for fun fun fun is being released in 3 days. so far, i know lucero is playing which is enough for me. the jesus lizard, les savy fav, GZA, and 7 seconds also playing. its a 2 day show, so i can't imagine how many more bands will be scheduled, but i know it should be awesome. also, i saw set your goals on thursday and that was awesome for a million reasons, including how nice it was to see a familiar face in texas, and knowing that familiar face will be back in fall. i also realized there are no rules pertaining to shows in austin. honestly, it made me a little nervous, like, omg someone is going to die here. but no girls were choked in the making of this show...


linus has no balls now and walked around in a cone for a week. the first day home he was so drugged up i couldnt stop laughing. he would just stand in one place staring at nothing for incredible lengths of time. i decided i like him much better all drugged up, and if i could give him doggie valium every day i totally would. what was even funnier than that was watching him poop with this cone around his head. i took a picture, and i could imagine in his head he was thinking, "oh my god this is so embarassing."


hmmm. what else is new. i've scored 100% or above on every test in school so far and start cutting on monday. given that i've done so well at everything in school so far, i'm sure i'll do well at this too. this is so fucking exciting for me, much more exciting than color. i need some real live people for haircuts, which is going to be a small problem right now so maybe i'll put an ad on craigslist. maybe i'll meet my future husband this way, which we will talk about in a minute. i am so excited about cutting that i'm already looking waaaaay ahead at this 5 day advanced academy cutting class at the Paul Mitchell in Costa Mesa, so if anyone has an extra thousand bucks they'd like to shoot my way i'll take it. oh. this is my amazing set up, and its not even all of what i get!!!
also, i think i've mentioned it before, but i love love love getting dressed up for school.

ok. now we will take a little trip back in time about the statement i made about my future husband. no idea about who this dude is, but thats fine. what i do know is that i saw the cake i want for my wedding. it was at work, and just kind of staring at me like it knew. at first i thought, no WAY am i getting a wedding cake from whole foods. but i couldnt get it out of my head, so whatevs, i know what my cake looks like. it is all white. no frills, no fondant, no floral patterns. nothing. just simple and white and modest. i think thats what i'm looking for, or rather, not looking for but waiting for it to present itself. a love, a relationship, a companionship that is as simple and modest as this cake. i know, out of all the things i take pictures of, i didnt take a picture of this. i have no explanation for this. of course, seeing this cake made me think of other things. like weddings. and how along with a simple fucking cake i want a simple fucking wedding. no bells and whistles. a backyard, a beach in jamaica, or a barn out in the country. i dont really care. just simple. just love. just the few people closest. just "i do's" and being so in love i never let go of their hand throughout the night. all i want is to hold someone's hand softly with mine, and not hold them prisoner with my insecurities. i can't imagine anything better than this. ok. before i get ahead of myself with someday marriage, and how i will raise my children, i'm gonna get back to cakes for a second. i made this one!
so far, my favorite cake i've decorated said simply, "i love you, terri." i want a cake like that. so. bad. also, another one of my favorite cakes that i did NOT make is this one:
which, looks a lot like this favorite picture of mine:
this picture of the owls also happens to be one of the next tattoos i'm getting. i think it should say "tweethearts" underneath.... but it will probably say "lucky in love."
this one also reminds me of a tattoo i've seen, just not as gory...
ok. enough of cake pictures. back to husbands and children. so, i finally saw a movie alone. in my 28, almost 29 years, i have never done this. so, i thought since i'm in texas and doing a whole lot of new things, i needed to do this. and to be honest, it made me a little sad. but the movie was amazing, and it really made me think of what kind of life i want for my children. i want to raise them close enough to a city so that they experience real life and culture and crazy people and ethiopian food and children's museums, etc. but i want to raise them far enough away from a city so that they can catch tadpoles in a creek and built forts and treehouses and play games and just be kids. i do not agree with modern parenting, where it seems like nobody allows their kids to be kids. its always this and that structured activity, scheduled play time, clubs and classes and basically building 7 year old CEOs. Instead, I want to wheel my daughter Annette or Olivia or Carolina or maybe Boxcar down to the farmers market in her red wagon on friday mornings to get fresh flowers, and paint eachother's faces, and bake cookies, and cut her hair in the backyard and ask her what it is she wants to do, and if she wants to dig in the dirt, we will dig in the dirt. if she wants to build a castle out of clay, we'll build. I want to play catch with my son Connor or Aaron or Jake in the backyard, or play spies, or race snails we catch in the garden. I just want to be present for my kids. I want to be there to nurture them when they need nurturing, or to be available to them when they need to know why the sky is blue. And I want them to play so hard they scrape their knees and elbows, but I want to be there to clean the wounds and kiss them better. And I want to be with someone who wants the same kind of life for their children, but also someone who at the end of the day, when I've kissed all my kids' boo boos to make them better, will kiss me on the top of the forehead for security and who will tell me its all going to be ok when I'm afraid it won't be, and who will stand by my side through hard times, who will defend my character to other people who may talk poorly about me when I'm not there to defend my own character. I want someone who will stick up for me, who believes in me, who isn't afraid of how fucking scary loving someone can be, and that every relationship has incredibly hard shit to get through together and some times it may seem like the bad shit will never pass even though it always does, but I want to be with someone who will be there once the storm passes. I'm not asking for a partner who will move mountains, and I certainly know that there are no perfect partners or people. I just am looking for someone who will put me in my place in a constructive manner if i'm out of line, who will see my side even though they don't agree with it, and will just be honest and loving and thoughtful. In every relationship I've been in, each person has had some of these things. Every relationship teaches me a little more about what I'm looking for as well as what I'm not. Some more than others. And it also seems that as I become more clear about what I want, that every relationship is closer to what I imagine. As I'm growing up, I'm starting to understand that while there is no perfect person out there, that there is someone who is going to possess most of these things, and i will love them even for the things they aren't, as well as for the things they are, and they will love me the same way. i have a lot of work to do on myself before any of this is possible. im not stupid. but that doesnt mean there isnt someone out there who will just hold me when i'm having a bad day and understands that even working on yourself, no matter how far along you are, will always be a work in progress. There will always be an obstacle to overcome or a challenge to face. A little compassion goes a long way, and sometimes life is a little less scary when there is a lasagna waiting for you in the oven.

I dunno. Strange things are happening here in Texas. Things I really cant explain or understand. Not necessarily bad or good. Some bad and some good. Some things are just things. I'm still waiting on my Jordan Catolano moment- megan, you know what I'm talking about- but I'm sure that it will happen someday. I feel good. Maybe still a long way from happiness, but closer. I've also realized that I am missing a shit ton of movies and CDs, and also weird, that I am listening to Morrissey and the Smiths a lot. Things are good. I can't complain. All of this is happening for a reason, and I jst have to have faith and trust in that, and remember that when I am sad, or having a bad day, or a tougher time than normal that everything will be alright because it always is, sometime's in the least expected of ways. The people I love know they are loved, and that's the best I can do today. I'll admit that I've made a mess of my life and the lives of those around me. My birthday present to myself is mending what I can, in myself and to the ones closest to me... maybe even more so, those who are that much further west. Stay safe, be well.

Two songs for today. The first is more or less a result of how I've treated people, the second is, well, it is what it is.




My birthday wish list will be next.... And I still owe my readers my favorite moments of the last year.

my red right ankle

some days, this

makes me really fucking sad.

such is life.

some days, it is so hard to believe that its already been two months since i moved here. the time has passed so quickly.

other days, i cant believe i've ONLY been here two months. i feel so comfortable here, so established in my new life, that it seems impossible that everything that i've experienced, everything i've seen, how well i've adapted to my new environment could possibly have occured in just two months. it sometimes takes people years to get to this point. i have several circles of friends, school is AMAZING and i dont know why i didnt do this sooner because it is so clear this is what i should be doing. i know my way around, and if someone came to visit, i could give them a tour of austin as if i've lived here for years. i love how nice people are, i love my apartment, i love how content and hopeful i feel. these are two very new feelings. i love the state of my mental health, and that i feel so strong, so independent, and so free. i love that i have been given a chance at life, and to make it what i want it to be. its amazing what a change of scenery can do for your well-being. oakland was hard on the eyes and hard on the soul. don't get me wrong. i love the bay area. i love the east bay and i love san francisco. it is where my heart is. it is home. but i don't think the bay area is very nice. it has so many sharp corners and hard edges that will bruise you, cut you, and make you bleed. it is a very suit yourself, you're on your own style of living, much is any city. i think living like that for too long makes you cynical, cold, and hard. i don't want to be that way right now. i want to be warm and squishy. i love that last night, instead of hitting a bar on a friday night like most people i know, i stayed home and finished an art project, went for a nice walk with my neighbor, and played catch in my parking lot in a dress, barefoot, and wearing a baseball mitt. at one o'clock in the morning. i have been talking about getting a baseball glove for ages, and this is just one more thing i said i was going to do and finally did. i love my neighbor. he's become this sort-of best friend, little brother, confidant to me. we spend a few evenings a week on my front porch talking about life. he'll tell me about his day, the girls he likes, the girls that like him, his dreams of being a cop even though his dad wants him to be a politician, is about to start playing baseball with a local team and is hoping to make it to the majors like his uncle (i told him when that happens, i get dibs on good seats.) he'll ask me how school went, takes genuine interest in what i am doing with my life, lets me show him my DOLL HEADS and the up-dos and whatever and never begrudgingly, and always encouraging. sometimes we'll sit on the back of my car eating candy. he is seriously the sweetest, most kind-hearted kid. i love him to death.

oh. so. back to the bay. will i go back one day? sure. but not for awhile. i don't know that i will even come back to visit for a long, long time. i like it here. i think if i were to even visit right now, it would be a very sad, very difficult thing for me. i know that getting off that plane would mean picking up old memories, dusting them off, examining them, and maybe tucking them into my pocket to keep them close. and then i'd have to leave them all behind again to get back on that airplane. i like that my life starts now. i am creating new memories every day. i am creating a self, that i haven't known for a long time, if ever. i think part of this is having no one to focus on but myself, and i think a lot of this has to do with school. i had no idea the level of confidence and self-esteem that would come along with school. i just thought, yeah, im going to learn how to do hair. whatevs. but its more. its probably one of the only things i've ever done that is just for me. it has purpose. i have direction, and know where i'm going now. i think many of us twenty-somethings are lacking this. we go to college, get a degree, and then do nothing with it because we can't. so we're just this well-educated, poorly-paid, somewhat lost generation just floating around trying to fiugure out what to do next. maybe we look to others for guidance or ideas, maybe we have no idea who we are so we seek to find ourselves in other people. i dont know. all i know is that i am creating an identity each day i go to class. i feel good about myself. i put myself together, and i show up 100%.

all that being said, i haven't changed that much that i'm not going to throw out a birthday reminder. it is less than two months, and i most likely will be writing up my wish list.

i love you and miss you all.

hhahahahahahhahahahah

oh, man. i just read what i wrote the other day and man was i angry. i guess i just needed to get that little fire ball of fury out of my belly and into the open, because i feel great today. but i sounded like a raging fucking lunatic for, like, five minutes! hahahahahha i love it. i love that i took a 5 minute pit-stop in crazyville and i love that i can laugh at myself about it now and how ridiculous i sounded. i love that i can take myself lightly and laugh at myself when its necessary. this is new. ive always taken myself and everything else soooo seriously. its lame. so, yeah, it was a fun little detour, and for what its worth, nice to have gotten all that emotional vomit out and away from my beating heart before i was taken prisoner but im glad its over. so whatever, i had a bad day. who doesnt? but fuck im glad i dont live my life every day like that. today my life is pretty much back to awesome.

anyway. back to school shopping!!! woooohooooo!!!!

fuck everything.

so, i pride myself on how honest i am, and today is no different. know how i feel today? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK. fuck everything. fuck you, fuck me, fuck everyone. fuck sobriety and addiction and recovery and withdrawals and this stupid fucking program and the stupid fucking people who tell me to keep coming back. fuck having a fuse the size of a fucking mosquito. fuck feeling anxious and panicky out of nowhere. fuck taking a long, hard look at my life. fuck amends and apologies and forgiveness and fuck liars and thieves and fuck california and fuck texas and fuck this stupid computer that doesnt work for shit even though its brand new and fuck my dog that i dont want to take care of and i cant afford and get no help paying for, even though i was promised help. fuck promises because they all end up broken anyway. fuck getting close to anyone. fuck trusting anyone. fuck making new friends. fuck friends who know you better than you know yourself and fuck feeling hurt and angry and sad and happy and resentful and confused and discouraged and fuck losing hope in everything you had put stock in to. fuck three meals a day. fuck wearing seatbelts. fuck starting school tomorrow and fuck red lights and fuck having to do laundry and fuck not being able to talk to people you want to talk to because you cant get ahold of them. fuck selfish people. fuck pride and stubborness and cockroaches and being broke and not having a bike to ride and a city too hilly to ride it in. fuck commitment and fuck love and fuck strangers who think they have it all figured out and fuck the little kid who wants the 3rd cupcake back in the second row because it has a little more blue in the frosting that doesnt taste any different than the red or the yellow or the purple. fuck feeling this way. fuck never being able to pick a song of the day that i really want because they arent bands that put out music videos. fuck these headaches and not being able to sleep. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

love loud, dont lose loud.

so, aside from cockroaches and flat tires on my bike and no bike pump and being too poor to pay rent (donations and doggy support greatly appreciated), my life is FUCKING AWESOME.




i really cant complain. at all. since ive been in texas, every day gets better and better. i feel like im on vacation. every day. i'm convinced that the reason for this is that it is impossible to feel like life is hard when you wear cut off jean shorts every day. i miss the cold, and sometimes i run my AC way up so that i can get all bundled up and pretend like its cold, but whatever. i GET to live here. i GET to work in a place where people ooh and aaah over all the beautiful bakery items, and i get to stand over them proud-like, as if i'm a curator of a fine art museum. i get to spend my days reading and learning, exploring, growing, getting to know people, etc... i havent been lost in weeks and it feels fabulous. the evenings in austin are what magic is made out of. at dusk, you are pummelled with life from every angle. fireflies, bats overhead, the songs of insects in the trees you dont hear in california, the smell of cooling asphalt, and sunsets that make you stop in your tracks to just stare. i miss california, and i miss my friends and the people that are like friends, but feel lucky as fuck to be here. even when i have a bad day, i am so grateful for this.





seriously. my life is good. i have an austin library card, and am reading a tree grows in brooklyn, and checked out a bunch of old movies which i have never seen before... its a wonderful life, bonnie and clyde, coal miners daughter (im in love with loretta lynn, fyi). ive been reading about addiction and recovery which has been amazing, reading about vampires and contemplating whether or not they actually could exist (and i've concluded that the only beneft to immortality is having enough time to do anything you wanted), reading about true crime, reading about reiki, practicing reiki (which i havent done for awhile and forgot how amazing it is. the healies. i wish i could offer it to every single person in any sort of recovery program.) i get to go on walks and sit by rivers and enjoy the shade. in addition to two jobs and school, which starts monday, i am going to take a french class, a glass blowing class, a tour of famous churches in austin, learn how to shoot a gun, and mmmmaaaaaybe go cave exploring. there is an exhibit at the museum i am really excited to see. i cant find a ballet class i can afford, but im still looking. also, i want to find a band i can sing for. i cant sing great, but i think i can get by. megan says i have gumption, and that gets a person far. you know, cuz once school starts i have so much free time.





i am trying to go to nashville for my birthday, and a road trip to memphis is in the works. i remember a time not so long ago, where i was so plagued with tunnel vision that i thought i only had one thing to look forward to, and now i know thats crazy talk. school starts in 2 days. im going to see the only metal band i like, which happens to be from oakland on monday night. my mom is coming on friday, i have two friends coming in august, trips in september, another fabulous show to go to in august with yet another band from the bay area and polar bear club, which i hear is a fabulous band to see. i have places to see, people to meet (including myself), life to live, love to give. i have so many things to look forward to its ridiculous. i get to go to school and learn something new, and something i will be able to give to people. i get to think about where i'd like to live after texas, if i ever decide to leave, and if i'm still in school its a toss up between SF and Orange County. If I'm out of school, its a toss up between SF and somewhere that snows on Christmas. i'm not worried about where to go next, but its fun to think about. also fun to think about is my kids. i will save that topic for another blog, because its a good topic and i think it deserves its own space. i've realized that living one day at a time doesnt mean i cant think about the future, but that i cant worry about it. its still important to think ahead, and to have goals, and dreams, and hope for what may come. i just need to be less rigid in how i get there, and a little more flexible in my planning. oh my god. you mean the world doesnt revolve around me? damn straight. its cool. it still revolves, and amazing things happen, and everything always ends up ok in the end anyway, even if its not always on my schedule.



new glasses. new song.

posts to look forward to: my life as a mom, movie magic time, and my favorite moments of the last year the photo edition (july to july).

morgan does dallas.

going to the library. be back with the 3rd installment of today's series shortly.

ok. so i guess shortly was a lie and its a few days later. whatevs. its a long story involving shitty internet and shitty brand new computers. anyway.

last weekend i went to dallas to visit my good friend sarah and had a fucking blast. i love that A) we hardly know eachother, yet know eachother well enough to share the same thoughts and B) that she loves doing geeky shit like i do. also i love her because shes awesome, straight-forward, funny and gets me. this is me on my way out of town. the shirt? got it the last time me and sarah were together. we got matching shirts. it has a panda on it and says "wtf." i realized after that taking this picture, we get another famous acronym of FTW. awesome. also awesome? its a band t-shirt for a band that is called "someday parish." nothing to do with pandas, but a good band.

so, i got there last friday after dilly-dallying at texas truck stops (my newest favorite thing about texas, also where i scored this beauty... yeah, its the state of texas around my pretty lil neck. why not? when in rome...): and ross where i got a new bag that was essential to my livelihood and best buy, where i finally got the paramore album. yeah, i cant pay rent but fuck it. so i got to dallas around seven and we just hung out around her house, catching up and whatnot. i dunno, around 11 we drove out to fort worth and went to the stockyards, which is this amazing little cowboy haven where cattle roam the cobblestone streets, and had a few drinks at this great place called the white elephant and i met some of sarah's texas friends.

saturday was awweeeesooomme though. we went downtown and i saw where JKF was shot, and the book depository he was shot from. we meandered through the streets, decided that next time i was in town we would take the bonnie and clyde tour, played in the fountains and had sparkle hour and shared fabulous tacos. we ate empanadas at this little cafe in this artsy district in dallas and in case you were wondering, this is what happiness looks like...

we watched jazz in the park, saturday night we went out, and dallas is waaayyy different than austin. we went to a bar where there is a gigantic jenga game out back, then went dancing at this place called the slip in and had so much fucking fun it was ridiculous. while waiting for our car to arrive from valet, we asked someone to take a picture of us and some random guys jumped in creating for us, the "random dude in picture" shot. then we decided we were hungry and that since I had never had sonic burger before, that was our destination. so, yes, i finally had sonic. are there are pictures to prove it. because as we all know, for whatever reason i have tons of pictures of me eating. i dont know why this is. sarah asked the lady at the window how she felt about popping my sonic cherry. and no weekend would be complete without about 700 rounds of shaking it. so did we have fun? i think a picture says a thousand words.

you can see the rest of our weekend here, which is also where i will be posting most of my photos since i take a lot of them.

song of the day, even though i have been AWFUL about this. not all my fault.

post no. 2.

so, i have a lot to write about today, and LOTS of pictures to post, but i am going to post several different blogs because not a whole lot of what i have to say is related. so here is number two.

so, the other night i was looking through some photos and realized two things: one, that i did not write anything about my cross country adventure and two, how awesome my last few weeks in california were.

i'm not actually going to write a whole lot about the drive out here. it was just a lot of time in the car with my dad and my dog, a lot of beautiful landscapes to take in, incredible sunrises and sunsets, and some great memories. linus got to see the beach for the first time ever.

what i really wanted to write about was how awesome my last few weeks at home were, and there is nothing i would have done differently. i spent some amazing time with amazing people. i explored san francisco in a way i have never done before. i spent time with people that i've known for years, but really got to know them and how awesome they are as i was leaving. i was more relaxed than i've felt in years, laughed more, cried less, spent time at the lake, picnic'ed, barbequed, ate burritos, let go of old things, faced my fears, saw my strength, went to baseball games, had a fantastic going away party, made mix cd's for my friends, took pictures, received the only hug in my life that literally moved me in every way imaginable, trusted my gut, started to forgive, started to face myself, was vulnerable and happy and sad and then happy again. i danced, i sang, i loved. and was able to walk away from everything comfortable and predictable and safe, and did so without a heavy heart. i realized that the people i have chosen to be part of my life are amazing, loyal, and genuine friends. from the day i decided to move here, until the day i pulled out of my driveway with tears spilling down my face, everything was perfect. i would not change any of that for the world.

the great debate. post no. 1 of the day. 3 more coming...

some time ago, me and this guy i know had this on going debate between which was worse- bakery or front end. neither of us, of course, had ever worked in the other department so we really didnt have any sort of vantage point on which to draw any conclusions. he always said he hated hearing about people on the front end bitch about how shitty their jobs were, or how hard it was or whatever. his claim was that he would take front end over bakery any day. i, on the other hand, being a front-ender, looked at other departments as if they were cakewalks and that the front end was, in fact, awful.

so now, i have done both. front end and bakery. and i'll tell you what. i will take bakery over the front end ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. seriously. its chill, the time goes by quickly, i get to move around... people give me hugs and tell me nice things like how i am "prettier than all the cakes." and at the end of the day, i smell like sweet, delicious baked goods. i smell good enough to eat. it reminds me of this movie "micheal" that came out forever ago, and john travolta was in it and he was an angel, and he smelled like fresh baked cookies which made women flock to him. i like to think it does the same thing for me, and even if it doesnt i can pretend. i like to think that my bakery scent now matches my sweet disposition. i match.

also, i got to decorate my first cake the other day. i was all alone in the department and this guy wanted happy birthday or something written on the cake and i was all, fuck. ok. so i told him that i would write on his cake IF he promised not to laugh at me and not to be mad because it was my first time. he agreed, and it turned out ok. i wish i had taken a picture.

thats all about this. i win. bakery is way better than the front end.

never never never AGAIN. or at least, for now.

alright, ladies and gents. buckle your seatbelts, grab a cup of coffee, and get comfy. this is going to be a long one.



its been awhile since i last visited the interwebz. seriously. awhile. without having a 9-5 where i sit around and do nothing except look at the internet, i have very little interest in coming here. but something brought me back today, and the only reason i can determine for coming here today is release. my friend penny says my chakras are blocked and that she can feel it all the way in new york. take it or leave it, but i believe her. i have been writing in my journal but not here, and like i mentioned before this is a different sort of release for me. its far more a creative process for me here than it is in my journal. so, without quite knowing where to start or where i'm going, i'm just diving in head first. fuck looking ahead.



so. in many ways, the last two weeks have been some of the most amazing two weeks of my life. and truth be told, some of the worst days i've had in a long time have fallen within this last two weeks, which makes it that much more amazing, because i'm still standing. a year ago, i don't know that i could say the same thing. i am still very much in one piece, unscathed, unharmed, and optimistic. everyone i meet says austin is an amazing place for healing, and i feel it. i am grateful for this gift... of having me time in this city.

First things first: Every thing that I am doing right now is for me. Me. Wow. This program I am working through is for me, and for the first time in my life I don't care what anyone else thinks. I am not doing this for approval or accolades. Having support in what I'm doing is nice, but its not my driving force. I am not ashamed of what I am doing, and I am in no way trying to hide from something that makes me a better person. If you don't agree with my choices, fine. I don't really care. I don't mean that in a bitter or hostile way, just, fine. I don't care. You can think what you want and its not my job to convince you to see my side. Do what you want with it. Also, when people say "it'll get better," I'm like, yeah. I know. I'm not worried about it because I know it will. Also in this is saying, yeah, i don't like my current situation but deal with it. No one else put you here except for you. EVERYTHING that i am unhappy about in my life is MY OWN DOING. being in texas, not knowing anyone, having a dog i am unable to care for right now, my resentments, my angers and frustrations, the 23 dollars in my bank account... all. me. and I think when I first came to this realization it was an incredibly crushing blow to my psyche. i stayed in bed all day. but the nice thing about realizing this is, as someone told me yesterday, is the relief that comes with knowing that if i put myself here i can get myself out of here. i accept that responsibility in both directions, good and bad. also in realizing this is, i am not responsible for anyone else. whatsoever. and that takes a million pounds off my shoulders. all i can do is what is right for me, and as harsh or as cold as it may sound, never expect anything from anyone else. this leads me to my next point, and my next first, and my next realization.



a few weeks ago, i did not handle a situation well. i thought i did, but looking back i realize that there are things i said that were not in line with how i would've preferred to conduct myself. and i sat on this for the last few days, trying to decide what to do. i came to the conclusion that what i needed to do was apologize for MY PART in it, and acknowledge what was wrong about what i had said, and so i reached out. I did so without expecting anything in return. it would have been nice for my apology to be acknowledged, but i didnt expect it. nor did i not expect immediate forgiveness. and knowing that, i was able to reach out that olive branch and do my part, and not feel responsible for the outcome. i hope that makes sense. i don't know that there have been many things I've done in life that I haven't done without expecting something in return, so this was a first. and i turned it over to god, or the universe, or whatever. i apologized, did my part, and the rest is completely out of my hands.



hmmm. what else. well, i've finally come up with a solution to what to do with Linus. Those of you who read this regularly know what an issue this has been for me. While i was meditating on something else last night, the answer to my linus dilemma came to me as loud as bells, and it is a decision that benefits the both of us, and seems exactly like the right solution, and so I can proceed with clarity and confidence. I don't know what the long-term outcome will be, and that's fine. I figure I'll know that as well when the time comes. but for now, he will be able to get what he needs, and i will be able to get what i need and its seems perfectly win-win. i wish the other decision i need to make was as crystal clear.

and lastly, and maybe most importantly, i've been thinking about this : "you teach people how to treat you." and i've spent hours thinking about this, and it is completely true. i HAVE taught people how to treat me, and then i blame them for not treating me the way i want. it is not their fault. and in thinking about this, i sort of took an inventory of what it is that ive taught people exactly, and i came down to this. i have taught people that they don't have to respect me, and that they can walk all over me. I have taught people that they can take advantage of me, and take advantage of my kindness and forgiving nature, and i have taught people that no matter what they have done in the past, that i would let it slide and be willing to forgive. now, i dont think forgiveness is a negative thing because it isnt, but when you are willing to forgive in order to set your own happiness aside, it is. i have taught people that my opinions and feelings dont matter much, and that i am here to be taken for granted. i have taught people that i would rather make them happy than myself. i have not stood up for myself because i was afraid of making someone else upset. i have taught people that i am willing to accept blame for things i may or may not have done wrong. i have taught people to treat me like i am fragile, that i am incapable of muddling through the truth, and that its ok to lie to me. i havent been very good about teaching people to treat me with respect, honesty, reciprocation, love, boundaries, and forgiveness for my faults or defects. i have taught people that i take a victim's stance, and because of that, its easier for me to be kept there by words or actions. i've done this my whole life. when i had to choose which parent to live with, i tried to kill myself because i would rather do that, sacrifice my own life, in order to not hurt either of their feelings. BUT its not all bad. i have taught people that i am sincere and loyal and loving and trustworthy and compassionate. i have taught people that whatever story comes out of my mouth won't be one-sided, and that i am willing to admit when i have been wrong. i have taught people that i am a good friend, funny, warm, thoughtful, graceful, supportive, smart, brave, and give people the benefit of the doubt (sometimes to a fault.) So I've made my mind up. I am changing my curriculum, and my tolerance for what i've put up with in the past has decreased by at least half. I am worth more than that shit. I am worth more than what I have allowed people to treat me as. and again, i dont blame them, for it was me who set the groundwork of what i thought was acceptable, but i can change that now. i deserve people in my life who are willing to forgive me for my faults, who are willing to see both sides of the fence even when they may not agree, who are willing to reciprocate love and respect, who are willing to put their anger aside long enough to admit their wrongs so I dont feel the need to take all the blame to make any given situation better. I deserve people in my life who encourage me and my well being and not mock it, who recognize what a strong, kind-hearted person I am. I deserve people who will listen to what I have to say and respect my opinions. I deserve two-sided relationships, reciprocity, people who are interested in what i have to say and people who take interest in what i am doing in my life. i deserve to have people in my life i can trust. so yeah, i guess i'm learning to stand up for myself, and take what i deserve and leave the rest. i've reached my breaking point of being not only a peacemaker, but a martyr. i'm putting my foot down and saying if you can't give me the respect i deserve, i dont want you around. i will no longer engage in conversations or interactions with people who end up making me feel bad about myself. i guess this is rising up with fists. i've been accepting of so many things that are far less than what i deserve and im done. doesnt mean that my love for these people isnt there anymore, but that i'm setting new limits of what is ok and what isnt. i'm not getting what i want out of life, and i blame myself. i'm fine with that. i've rewritten my job description. if you havent done this, its a fun exercise. write your current job description (in life, not your actual job.) is that a job you want? now rewrite it. i quit my old job. im sick of being everyone's caretaker and decision maker. it sucks. its not fun. its a lot of work, and no one listens to you anyway. i also believe that once people see these changes in me, that my interactions will improve with everyone around me. i think its impossible for that NOT to happen. let me be clear. i am in no way throwing blame or guilt or fault around, so please try not to misunderstand my points.

i feel healthier than i have felt in ages. there are a lot of things that point to this, and for those of you who know me well know what i mean when i say i look at myself now and think, fuck, you are REALLY skinny. eat some fucking food. i have never been able to do that. ever. its been awhile since i was in the practice of praying. and journaling. and creating. and exercising. and just doing things for me. i was so quick to drop whatever i was doing because i was worried someone wouldnt approve, or understand, or get upset, or.... so fuck it. you do what you do, i'll do what i do. my white flag is up. i surrender. i give up. if i could make people do what i wanted them to do, i wouldve done it a long time ago. its a waste of my time. so yeah, maybe things arent exactly what i imagined for myself, or what i would like them to be, and maybe i would like things to be different. i can make a list of things i would like, including conversations i would like to have with different people, but it is what it is. i can paint a perfect little picture of how i would like things to be as can all of us, and i can be disappointed and thats just being human. there isnt anything wrong with that.

and a special note: i am not, nor did i ever say i was throwing in the towel. i stand by that. but i am throwing it into the washing machine. its filthy. in this condition, it is of no use to anyone until it is clean. once it has been thoroughly washed and dried, i would like to have it professionally monogrammed.

hi. me again.

so, i know i was already here today, but i was rushed and i dont like that. now, i have some free time before i go to work, and thought i'd finish my earlier thoughts.

so, dinner was good, and not having to pay for it because my friend's cousin works at the tucson location and she is visiting right now, is even better. i have a clean apartment and clean clothes. i have, as one lady put it today, the cutest dog in the park and that he should be in advertisements, so, i'm feeling pretty lucky.

that doesnt mean that i am not angry. in fact, i am furious right now. something happened today that left me so mad all i could do was shake and cry. but this is what i am glad about: i didnt do what i normally do, which is to attack. dont get me wrong, the instinct was there but i fought it. even now, its hard not to unleash all my demons here on this page, to explain everything from start to finish and say everything i really want to say. but i'm glad that i'm not. there is no resolution in that. my immediate instinct was to really lay into this person, tell them how awful they were, how mad i am at them, make them feel guilty, shun them from my life, etc, etc. but this goes back to what i was saying yesterday, about doing my best to live my life in a way that i dont have to apologize for my behavior later.

i think one of my biggest motivators in life is doubt. this may or may not be healthy, and probably isnt, but its the truth. when someone doubts me, says i cant do something, or wont, or whatever, i will put every ounce of my being into proving them wrong. now, saying that, it sounds pretty shitty. so im going to rephrase and say this, when someone doubts me, if that affects me, that means i actually doubt myself and my capabilities to some degree. THAT is my drive. To prove myself wrong. Generally, if someone tells me i can do something if i just put my mind to it, my response is, yeah, i know. this is different. so, i have to hand it to myself. once i've commited myself to something, i'm pretty dedicated to making that change. almost everything in my life, once i've decided to do it, i do it well... So, that i made a commitment to myself to change the way i deal with my anger, and am actually doing it and will continue doing it, makes me feel proud.

also, in this angry frenzy from earlier, in addition to wanting to lash out at the person whom made me mad, my second thought was, ok, now what do i do now? forgive them? forget them? all of the above? none of the above? and just over the course of a few hours, and talking to the right people, i decided that i dont need to make that decision now, and not only that, any decision i make right now is going to be anger-based and most likely not the most rational. no one told me these things... i pretty much came to these conclusions on my own and by listening. wow. what a novel idea. listening. this is not something i've done well, as i've always waited for my turn to speak, and not been such a good listener. well, to borrow some corny phrase from somewhere else, the tides, they are a changin... by listening and not reacting immediately, i actually saved myself from a further argument that would have made myself feel worse and then would have spent the rest of the day beating myself up over it and waiting for my turn to apologize. thats amazing. and so fucking simple. i dont know why i didnt do this sooner. is this what patience feels like?

so, i can be mad. ive reasoned that for now, thats ok. the rest will work itself out. someone said something amazing today: i can finally stop hoping for a better past. it is so true, and something i will probably think about long and hard the next few days. it can be so hard to let go of old anger or hurt or resentments. at this point, i'm not very good at that. at all. but i'm willing to learn. and what he said reminded me of something else i read, which resonates throughout my head all day:

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end."

i have not been very fair. i have held so many things over so many peoples' heads. i do not need to crucify myself for every shitty thing i've ever done, either to myself or the people i love. nor do i need to crucify them for what they've done to me. i can forgive, and start from now and create the kind of relationships i want to have with the people closest to me, without having to find them buried under all the shit i may have put them through over the years or vice versa. if i ask for forgiveness, i should be willing to offer the same forgiveness in return. fresh starts. no one is perfect, and i am far from it. i make mistakes. sometimes i forget to do the right thing. but i do keep trying. and i will make more mistakes, that i know for sure. right now i am trying to learn, and grow, and be the best morgan i can be. just saying that, or writing that, feels like such an acknowledgement to myself, and because of that i know i can do this, and i can do this well.

48 hours

a lot can happen in just 48 hours. or not a whole lot, depending on how you look at it. i have made it two days. today is my third. and its hard not to look ahead and feel like the next 27 will be daunting, but when i start to think like that, i remind myself what someone told me, and that is all i have to do is get through today. all i have to do is take care of myself today. it is 11 am now, so all i have to do is make it through the next 13 hours. and when you look at it like that, 13 hours is a whole lot more manageable than 27 days. thats it. just 13 hours. i can do that. there are times where my gut guts turned into knots and i feel overwhelmed, but i just try to remember that that feeling passes too, and it will be ok. not everything is easy, and thats ok.

i woke up thinking, ok, today will be alright. i will take the dog to the park, write in my journal, do some blogging, keep my commitment to myself, and go to work. by the time i am done with work, my day is over. then i will go to sleep and not think about tomorrow until that comes.

i went out to dinner last night, like, really out to dinner. to a nice restaurant with prices that made my eyes bulge. and i enjoyed it. i enjoyed getting dressed up and going out and having a good meal. i've only been to this restaurant one other time, a long time ago, with my ex-boyfriend and his grandparents. and i remember feeling really uncomfortable with them spending that kind of money on me, so all i had was french onion soup and shared a caeser salad with his grandma. its funny the things you remember. this time, i had a spinach salad, snap peas, macaroni and cheese, filet mignon, and a trio of desserts. it was delightful.

ok, gotta run. things to do. ciao.

second thoughts, or maybe clearer thoughts... maybe both.

so, the other day i wrote about wanting a date. i don't know that that's true. maybe its a little true, but not for the right reasons. i want company, and its been in my nature to look for company in men. this is not what i came to austin to do. i came here to grow, and to learn some things about myself. i've also learned that i came to austin for the wrong reasons as well, and i dont want to be here, but i'm here for at least 5 months until my lease is up and there isnt anything i can do about it other than make the most of it. so, i retract my earlier statement about wanting a date. i dont. all it would be is a distraction from what i need to do.

i want to be content in my alone time. right now this is hard because its not my choice. all i have is alone time and i'm sick of it... but i used to be content with myself and somewhere along the line i stopped taking care of myself, or liking myself, and started turning all my energy outwards. i guess thats my second goal, to find a way to do both. i dont have to stop taking care of myself in order to be of service to others. i dont have to put my needs last to appease someone else. i can do both. i have a tendancy to see black and white, even though i flounder around in the gray area of not knowing until i make a decision. whoa. i just figured something out. thats what i do. when i cant see one way or another, one outcome or another, an outcome or plan or decision, i just pick something instead of waiting to see what happens, because that gray area is uncomfortable for me. i guess its that feeling of powerlessness. when i dont know whats going to happen, i try to make something happen instead of just letting it be. i have conflicting feelings about this, because things in life DO require work. no one wins the lotto without buying a ticket, so i guess i just have a hard time knowing when to take action and when to sit back and relax.

about, oh, close to a year ago now, i was doing really well with this. i made a lit of things i needed to do everyday and did them; not a laundry list of errands, but a list of spiritual and moral to-do's. and even if my day started out crappy, i did what i could to turn it around. i was a much brighter, happier, easy-going person at that time, and i guess it was because i was taking care of me. then i gave up. wait. no. i stopped doing the things that made me feel good because i felt good, but once you stop, you stop feeling the benefits as well. maybe not right away, but soon. and then i gave up, and gave in to feeling destined to a life of sadness and lonliness, neediness, etc. i would stop taking care of myself, but that caregiver in me would still need a job, so i would then concern myself with other people who may need my help. so today, i am grateful that i have already laid the foundation for myself and the work i need to do, i know what works and what doesnt, so now that i am getting back on track i am not totally starting from scratch. i like myself better when i take care of myself, so does everyone around me. and, i am far more useful to others when i'm not wallowing in my own self pity.

i started journaling again, and started blogging again. i know this may seem like two of the same things, but for whatever reason, for me, it isnt. i get a different sense of clarification from both tasks. i write differently. my journal is more of an intense looking inwards, where as this is more objective? im not sure thats the right word. whatever. it works. i get what i need from both, so why not... and the alone time, at least for now i am able to look at alone time from afar and say i would like to enjoy that. thats a step. and im doing the best i can to keep myself so busy that alone time is going to seem like a gift at some point. i am starting to find comfort and support in a place that seemed so unlikely to me, and with people i never wouldve known otherwise. And through them, i am hoping to let my friends just be friends and not therapists, my eventual boyfriend to just be my boyfriend and not my entire life, and let these women be my support for the things they understand because they've been through as well. Everyone has a role, but not one person should be expected to fulfill all those roles... not my mom, my sister, my best friend. sometimes you do just want to talk, and sometimes you want to talk to a specific person, and sometimes you just want to have someone listen to you, and sometimes you want advice and sometimes not. and i dont have to give any of these things up, but my goal is to direct the appropriate conversations to the appropriate people. more importantly, i need to learn when to not talk and to just deal with a crisis on my own. in 100% honesty, i don't know that i've ever done that, because its hard and it sucks and you want to cry to someone and share your problems and have someone offer you sympathy and thats what friends are for, right? see- this is why i love blogging. because i write differently here than i do in a journal, i come to different conclusions, or a-ha moments here than i do in a journal. i just got it that maybe one of my biggest weaknesses is not containing my own sorrow or grief to myself from time to time, because it seems less toxic to get it out- but maybe thats the problem. maybe if i make it through JUST ONE crisis without turning outward, and managing that crisis myself, AND in a productive, healthy manner that doesnt involve booze or starving, i will find that source of inner strength i have been missing for so long. i do not mean keeping it inside, but to learn how to manage it on my own and being less dependent on other people to fix whatevers wrong. to sit with my feelings, acknowledge them, experience whatever they bring up, and then move forward. only i can do that.

this confuses me a little, because again, isnt that what friends are for? for insight or support or a shoulder to cry on? and sometimes, the source of our anxiety or worry is maybe something that was said to someone else, and wanting to apologize or clarify because having someone mad at you doesnt feel good. the other day, i was a really shitty friend to several people all in one day, including myself, and i am grateful that i have chosen friends who are so understanding and forgiving, and that the next day when i said i was sorry and didnt mean the things i said, they understood that i was just having a shitty day. this was also difficult for me, putting my pride aside and stepping up to the plate. i cant say that i wouldve done the same thing so soon a year ago. but what if they didnt? what if they took what i meant to heart and didnt welcome me back? i wouldve then had to deal with the pain i put on myself by being mean and losing those who are closest to me. that is the lesson i've learned from that. choose wisely. i have a tendancy to be intentionally mean when i'm feeling bad and that needs to stop right. now. and i am getting a WHOLE LOT better about this too. it comes from a place of defensiveness i'd i'd like to visit that place as little as possible. for example, about 4 months ago my sister and i had a fight and i said a lot of awful things that i wish i could take back. but when we got into an argument the other day, even though i was fuming and all those mean and hateful things were at the tip of my tongue, i didnt say them. this was a lot harder than just saying them, but a lot easier afterwards because then i didnt feel bad or feel the need to apologize. i want to do things that i dont want to have to apologize for later. this is how i want to live my life. this can be difficult because sometimes i think i HAVE chosen my words carefully and sometimes they still get misinterpreted, and then i feel the need to explain or fix it because that wasnt what i meant, but that can often make things worse. if i said something, and it wasnt taken the way i meant it, it is going to take a lot to convince the other person otherwise once they've already decided to believe what they believe, and then an argument errupts. so again, another lesson. take a step back. i know that i didnt mean it the way it was taken, and i should be able to go on with my day knowing that i wasnt trying to be cruel. it is really difficult to know that someone took something out of context, or the wrong way, and to not dwell on it, like THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOURE TWISTING MY WORDS! how do you not want to forge full speed ahead into making someone understand what you really did mean? i dunno. there are a lot of things i'm learning, and one of them is that i am not going to have all the answers today (and thats hard too, with my personality being so solution-oriented) and i'm still working a lot of things out, and i'm sure the answers will come. one day at a time.

What does it take...

for a girl to get a date in this town??? Austin is supposed to be one of the best cities for singles, which I took to meant, a great place to meet other single people. This is NOT the case. It was a lie. Almost every single person I've met here has a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. There are no single people here. Maybe it WAS a great city for singles, then they all met, fell in love, got married and had babies. Now there are no singles left, and its hotter than shit, and my dog is driving me crazy. All I want is a date. I want someone to ask me out, take me out to dinner, have a few drinks, maybe go to a movie and then talk about it afterwards. Maybe even tell me I'm pretty. I don't want a boyfriend, just a date, a band-aid, something to help me forget. I don't think that's asking too much.

dance pants

so, this is going to be a quick one because there's a meeting i want to go to this morning, but just wanted to give a quick update...

so, i went to the broken spoke last night. and i did NOT find myself a rich man from the oil industry or otherwise. but i DID have tons of fun. this place was great, although at first it made me a little nervous... it was very thelma and louise- the dancehall- and i kept hoping to not get raped out in the back parking lot because i am really not prepared for a crime spree and to drive off a cliff. but it wasnt anything like that. this place is like, REAL texas. with people from texas, and not at all the downtown kind of folk you find on 6th street. no, ma'am. this place was full of cowboy boots and bolo ties and button up shirts. and every single person that i met was so incredibly nice. one gentlemen asked if i knew anyone in austin and i told him no, so he introduced me to half the place. the gentlemen (and i say this in all sincerity- they were all real, live gentlemen) complimented my dancing and asked how i learned to dance that well way out in california.



and i realized something last night about country music. it is just nice. the people are nice. there is nothing about it that is about being too cool, or aloof, or pretentious. there was nothing about looking great on the dance floor. i know this because not a single person in there knew how well or how poorly i dance, and yet they asked anyway, although at one point, someone told me i'd have no problem keeping up with anyone in that room. i walked in during the last half of the song the band was playing (the band was really good, by the way) and was asked to dance for just about every single song that was played from that point on. i two-stepped, i jitterbugged, i swing danced my little heart to contentment. and aside from concentrating on my footwork, a smile never lefdt my face. the second realization i made last night, though, is that for whatever reason, as far as country dancing goes, there is nothing weird or creepy about dancing with a man old enough to be your dad, if not older. i think out of the entire night, i danced with one, ONE, person that wasnt old enough to have been my dad and it was totally great. seriously. almost everyone in there was well into their middle ages, and maybe its just the honesty of country music, or being in a real, old country music bar, but i felt totally comfortable and at home for the few hours i was there. so i may still have to figure out a way to pay my rent, but i still did not leave empty handed.

*************************************************************************************Sidenote: as I'm writing this, a homeless man sitting at the coffee shop next to me struck up a conversation, first about my earrings. we got to talking a little more, he told me he was on his way to church, i told him where i was on my way to (and cried a little, because thats what i do) and he said something that for whatever reason, really touched me (which of course made me cry a little more) and i want to remember it always.

plan b.

the last few days the weather here has been pretty muggy, but a lot cooler. this morning there is a breeze that feels soooo good... so i havent been hitting the pool. but everyone has told me about this place called barton springs, so i think i will go today. apparently there are two parts: one, you pay to get in to and its people only. the other part is the runoff from the springs, and its free, and you can take your dog and have them splash around in the water. so that is what linus and i are going to do today, instead of the usual park. everyone says its a great place to meet people, so i figure its about time i check it out.

secondly, before i left for austin, i created a plan. well, two, but plan A is falling apart, so plan B was to find myself a rich oil tycoon, or heir to one, to marry and have babies with or whatever, but i really just wanted his money (shallow, i know, but whatever) and to be taken care of financially, while still having the freedom to do whatever (let me be clear: i am not looking for a boyfriend or someone to love, at least not at this point. my heart still belongs elsewhere. also, i am on boyfriend restriction until i am 30, so i have to find a way to do this and that). i think it was more something silly i said, and being that it IS texas, feasible. but i think it is time to put operation oil daddy into effect, and here's why: I worked Thursday, and it was fine, i'm really enjoying the bakery, and finally got to work with girls and one of them invited me to her knitting group on wednesday and even though i don't knit i think i will go and maybe cross-stitch instead, and I checked my schedule for next week just to make sure I was off early enough to go to Jenny Lewis, and thats when I realized I was going to go broke and homeless. I dont work again until NEXT saturday. yes, 8 days from the last time i worked. so, yes, i am looking for a second job to help pay the bills, and i've considered the obvious choice of being a stripper (which even as only is a consideration, most likely something i will NEVER do. i dont do drugs, and would like to not start again, and this is just not really a viable option.) I can't wait tables or bartend in texas until i get a certification, which i plan on doing, but until then i'm just looking at whatever will pay the bills. of course, i could move home and live with my parents and so adios to this big state, but that doesnt seem like a viable option either. i cant donate eggs, because you have to be a non-smoker for a year, and also my eggs are getting old and no one wants them anyway. i dont have belongings to sell, so thats out the door, and i have no savings. which leaves me back at square one: rich oil tycoon. it seems like the answer to all my problems. i could go to school full-time, and not actually even need to work; he could give me money to take the dog to daycare while i'm gone so that i dont need to find him a new home (also an issue i'm being faced with. i realized that once i start school, on days that i work and go to class, i am going to be gone about 15 hours a day and i'm just not sure if thats fair to linus to have to be home alone that much. its sad. i do not want to give him away. i love the little guy so much and he is one of the best parts of my day, but i'm just not sure if staying with me is best for him. i'm going to try for awhile, see how it works out, but if he seems unhappy i want whats best for him. if i could find someone to walk him during the day that would be different, but dog walkers arent free and i dont know anyone here yet who would. but like i said, i have some time, so maybe by then i will. its just something i've started thinking about.) so, you can see where the oil tycoon really solves all of my problems, from rent to doggie daycare and being able to keep linus AND feed him, to being able to focus on school.

so, this morning, operation pay rent is in full effect. i am at the coffee shop and actually have my hair and make-up done, and am dressed in something other than a tank top and ratty cut-off shorts, because i imagine oil tycoons like a girl with class. i am going to this country bar called the broken spoke tonight, and plan on two-stepping my way into wealth, literally. it seems like oil tycoons might hang out in country bars (i dunno, its a theory.) i first heard about this place from my ex-boyfriend's brother, and he said it was a great place to go, then a bunch of girls at work mentioned it as well. i figure if nothing else, i get to have a night of fun dancing and meeting people. this should be easy. a cute girl alone at a bar is pretty much the same thing as wearing a sign that says "ask me to dance." people are really friendly here, like i've mentioned, and alcohol tends to make people even more friendly, and cowboys are just friendly across the board. from what i've heard, it isnt strictly cowboy folk that go there. much like everything else in austin, everyone fits in everywhere, and there is so much to do, you could roll with a different crowd every night. i was going to go last night, but decided to stay in with a pizza and hang out with ross and rachel and monica and joey and chandler and phoebe.

god bless my mom for buying me a new tv. i've never been much of a tv watcher, but i cant tell you how much nicer it is to have around right now and to not sit alone in silence in my empty apartment. music is ok, but is definatley not the same thing as being able to watch a movie. and i finally bought amelie, which is something i've talked about doing for awhile and always forget to do. also, i bought groundhog day for $3.99 and watched that (sort of) while i rehung some paintings that were off-center and played fetch with the dog. i reference this movie in a really early post, and thought it would be nice to see it. oh! so some things i've recently learned about linus: one, he loves mud which we've covered. two, he likes to bark at other dogs when they are running past them and he chases them from afar, and i think that he thinks he's actually chasing them away even if they were going away anyways. three, he likes to chase birds until they fly away, but not aggressively. and four, he likes to put things in piles. sticks, toys, whatever. he gathers things and then puts them into piles. oh, my little weirdo OCD dog.

i went out thursday night after work to this bar called the jackelope and ran into some work people there, ate a delicious burger, and charmed the pants off of just about everyone i met, girls and guys alike. again, alcohol makes this pretty easy. i dont have to be drunk to do this, but it helps when they are. for example, i just sat there eating my burger, and this girl came up to the table to talk to the people i was with and i introduced myself, and she went on to say how she's had bad experiences with people named morgan, but that she thought i was awesome. also, one of the guys i work with has an english bulldog who is still a puppy herself (about 1) and we go to the same dog park, so i think we are going to take the dogs together. he's also in the same boat, about not being sure if he has enough time for his dog and that he may need to find her a new home. my first response was "i'll take her!!!" (because, and those of you who know me know this, before i got linus i wanted a bulldog and still do.) and then i realized that if i'm not sure if i can keep one dog, what the fuck would i do with two? i've tried to rationalize it, thinking that maybe if linus had a friend, the long days wouldnt be so bad for him. aside from my eventual lack of time, i can't imagine that one more dog would be that much more work than what i already put in. i guess its like kids. most people dont stop at one, and a big reason for this is so their kid has someone to grow up with. so, we'll see. if this oil tycoon thing pans out, i will totally take the bulldog. unless any of you want, or know someone who wants an english bulldog. then we can just have playdates. its funny, cuz i actually thought i'd meet more people at the dog park. everyone says they are such great places to meet people, and yet nothing. maybe this is my lesson. i've never been good at being patient. i've always expected immediate results and when i don't get them, i get irritated. i've always taken on projects that i can see progress with right away. even moving here, once i decided to go, it took less than 2 months to get here. i have a hard time waiting. so maybe this is my lesson to be learned. to be more patient, in all things. good things come to those who wait, right? maybe that's what i should tell my apartment manager when she asks for rent on the 1st.

so far, and yet so close...

ok. its been quite sometime since my last actual blog entry. maybe too long. so, i decided i would spend my free morning playing catch-up. and i may still include a song of the day, if i can think of one that suits my mood, which, truth be told, isnt fabulous. its not terrible, and i've had far worse days, but i'm just hangin out in the slumps a little these last few days.

so.... where to begin... i am now currently and officially a resident of austin, tx. this is exciting for several reasons: one, i've never lived outside of california until now and always wanted to and now i am. two, i love texas, and have decided that this is most likely where i will raise my children when the time is right. three, the people here are incredibly warm and inviting, not at all like the bay area. its a different way of living here. there is the city aspect of it, so if you are into the more hustle and bustle type of life, you can have it. but if you just want to spend the day by the river, or a lake, or at a coffee shop (as i am currently doing) or country dancing or hip hop dancing, you can do all those things here. my bff megan thinks i was pretty much born to live here. and i'm sure within the next few weeks, i will really have the hang of things. but for right now, i have bouts of sadness and lonliness, which i guess is expected when you move to a city 1800 miles from home without knowing anyone. well, correction, i know one person but she boarded a flight to costa rica yesterday morning and will be there for the next 8 days, so i'm back down to zero. so, yeah, i get lonely. the first week or so i was here i didnt feel it so much, as the newness set it and i spent my free time running errands, buying crap for my new apartment, replacing my life in terms of plates and couches and cleaning products, etc. but now, i've pretty much run all my errands and now i have a little too much free time. dont get me wrong, i'm enjoying the extra time, but do miss having friends to share it with. the dog and i wake up around 8, hop in the car, grab a cup of coffee and head to the dog park. he has just discovered mud, and is quite fond of it. at first it was cute, but now its just a pain in the ass. see below:

so after the park, we generally come home, maybe i tidy up some, give him a bath, then go lay out by the pool. yesterday's pool loungings were cut short though, because there were all these little gray fuzzy spiders that jumped around in the grass and they freaked me out so i left. i also received my last two boxes in the mail, again, most contents broken, so all my stuff is here that is going to be here. and i look around at my very empty apartment and think, wow. i pay for a one bedroom and could very easily be perfectly content in a studio. i dont even have a bed. i have an air mattress, which now that i have a couch, i havent slept on at all. sometimes i do some crafty things, like reupholster bar stools to make them awesome (yes, the leopard print is the upgrade):

sometimes i stand in awe of my huge closet, and admire how nicely all my shoes are in plain view for me, brand by brand:

i've finally started working actual shifts at the store, and i think thats really going to help pick up my mood, because i will be able to start interacting with people on a much more frequent basis and make friends quicker. yesterday was my first day in the bakery, and although i've heard horror stories about this department, i actually enjoyed it. i worked the bread department, time flew by, my coworkers were really pleasant (although the dudes far outnumber the ladies in this department, which is strange, because every other bakery i've seen is the reverse. it actually seems like dudes outnumber the ladies across the board in this store, which also seems strange to me.) and as funny as it sounds, i really enjoyed working. not just going to work, but doing actual work. lifting and moving and sweeping and whatever else. it made me feel productive and good about what i was doing. also, what really took me by surprise, is how much i enjoy the customer service aspect of it. i am really a people person, which makes me think i am really going to enjoy doing hair, and am super excited for school to start. i just wish it was sooner. so, work was good, and i think it will continue to be good. a bunch of coworkers invited me out after work last night and it felt good to be included and to do stuff that makes me feel like i really live here, and am not just visiting. i have another invite out on thursday; i guess a group of people go out to this place called the jackelope on thursdays and someone was all, you should go. so i'm going. again, feeling like i live here. the more friends i make here, the less lonely i will feel and the more independent i will feel. its pretty much a win-win. also, i'm sure my friends back at home will be glad when i start making friends because i'm sure this transition has been really hard on them too, with my much-more-frequent phone calls and texts at any given hour of the day. and friends- thank you for being so supportive and letting me whine and cry to you fromthis far away. you have no idea what it means. it can be hard to feel alienated, and what i'm realizing is that when you are this far from everyone you know, you end of feeling alienated from both sideas. like, your friends at home have their own things going on and can't just drop anything they're doing to take your call and because you arent there to know when they are free or busy, you arent sure if it is a good time to call so you feel a little isolated from your old comfort zone. and in your new city, you havent had enough time to create a comfort zone here yet, and so you are just sort of floating around in the middle feeling really lost. i'm doing my best, but it gets hard. so hard that i almost booked a flight home for the weekend, but was talked out of it by several good friends. not to mention, since i've only been working a few days a week (and not until about 3), and i'm up for two hours generally before anyone at home, i have a lot of free time just sitting around wishing i had someone to talk to. i keep pretty busy, but still... also, its scary to think your friends will forget about you since you arent there anymore, and so there is this need to maintain constant contact. so friends out there; if you get random texts about what i had for lunch, or whatever else, this is why. so this is why, this morning, instead of taking the dog to the park in the normal fashion, i decided to come to the coffee shop and be around other humans. because human interaction is impoortant, and it makes me feel better just hearing other people talking, even if it isnt to me per se. we will go to the park later, but i needed this morning for myself.

so, a few other observations about texas: sarcasm is not at all the free flowing medium of communication here as it is on california. i am no less clumsy or accident prone in texas thanb i am in california. at the park the other day, i plowed head first into a gigantic tree limb. and still trip on everything, and am covered in bruises from head to toe. also, the freeways here are fucked. you pretty much have to know where you want to go before you get there, because you cant backtrack the way you can in california. if you see something off the side of the freeway and try to get off at the next exit, it is close to impossible to just simply loop around. hmmm. other observations... well, its hot (duh) but i havent found it to be too unbearable yet. there are cockroaches and beetles here far more than in the bay, but again, not unbearable. i dunno. its just pretty great.

also, i like receiveing mail. so if you want to send me care packages or love letters or notes just saying hi and letting me know you havent forgotten about me, i would love to receive those. if you havent sent these things yet because you dont have my address, just ask me for it. also, if you have any pictures you'd like me to hang on my fridge, hand drawn or otherwise, send them and i will put them up. because even though i may be 1800 miles away, i will never forget you guys and i will always make time for you, even if things get hectic here in texas. or just bring them to me in person. i love visitors. love you and miss you.

ok, and song of the day...

moving from sea to land, dancing

thanks a latte...

so, a few days ago a really good friend of mine came to visit and it was awesome. the two of us havent been in this city together since the weekend we met. other cities, yes, but not the starting point. we met, ohhh, maybe 7 or so years ago, so this was a long time coming. first let me say how much i love spending time with this guy, and i wish we could see each other more often. and of course, now that i'm leaving he is planning on moving here. anyhoo, the last time we saw eachother, we laughed so hard about so many silly things that i almost peed my pants. he makes me smile, and i am so glad that i got to see him before i go-go. instead of going to some shitty bar and grabbing some shitty drink, we drove around taking the most amazing trip down memory lane. in honor of that, the song of the day is dedicated to mike, and it is also a trip down MML. (that's music memory lane for those of you abbreviationally-challenged.) this whole album makes me think of you, but i remember this song the best...

shitty, but true

hot child in the 78704.

song of the day. get me out of here. now.



song of the day for yesterday, in 2 versions:





i put in my notice yesterday and lemme tell you, it felt absolutely fucking awesome. For clarification, I love just about everyone I work with, and my immediated bosses are amazing. and i love working about 7 feet from one of my best friends. but i am so over this job and am counting down the 15 days i have left at this shitty desk.

better late than never.

i have been so ridiculously busy, in both my work and personal life, that I havent updated my songs of the day for the last week... not to mention, without the internet at home, my resources are scarce. so here's the catch-up. believe it or not, i dont just pick random songs with no real pertinent meaning. they all have something to say that maybe i cant, or maybe they just do it better:

for monday, song of the day. the actual video has some sort of copyright issues and has no audio, so this is the best i could do. but i DO want the dress she's wearing:


tuesday has a tie, both of which cannot be embedded, so here's the link. i tried to decide between both of these for so long, and just decided to say fuck it and go with both:

heartless

love lockdown

for wednesday, a healthy dose of pop, also unable to be embedded. lame.

thanks for the memories

and friday's pick, flippin the switch a little with the country jams... country songs just seem to do such a good job at saying the rights things.