hhahahahahahhahahahah

oh, man. i just read what i wrote the other day and man was i angry. i guess i just needed to get that little fire ball of fury out of my belly and into the open, because i feel great today. but i sounded like a raging fucking lunatic for, like, five minutes! hahahahahha i love it. i love that i took a 5 minute pit-stop in crazyville and i love that i can laugh at myself about it now and how ridiculous i sounded. i love that i can take myself lightly and laugh at myself when its necessary. this is new. ive always taken myself and everything else soooo seriously. its lame. so, yeah, it was a fun little detour, and for what its worth, nice to have gotten all that emotional vomit out and away from my beating heart before i was taken prisoner but im glad its over. so whatever, i had a bad day. who doesnt? but fuck im glad i dont live my life every day like that. today my life is pretty much back to awesome.

anyway. back to school shopping!!! woooohooooo!!!!

fuck everything.

so, i pride myself on how honest i am, and today is no different. know how i feel today? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK. fuck everything. fuck you, fuck me, fuck everyone. fuck sobriety and addiction and recovery and withdrawals and this stupid fucking program and the stupid fucking people who tell me to keep coming back. fuck having a fuse the size of a fucking mosquito. fuck feeling anxious and panicky out of nowhere. fuck taking a long, hard look at my life. fuck amends and apologies and forgiveness and fuck liars and thieves and fuck california and fuck texas and fuck this stupid computer that doesnt work for shit even though its brand new and fuck my dog that i dont want to take care of and i cant afford and get no help paying for, even though i was promised help. fuck promises because they all end up broken anyway. fuck getting close to anyone. fuck trusting anyone. fuck making new friends. fuck friends who know you better than you know yourself and fuck feeling hurt and angry and sad and happy and resentful and confused and discouraged and fuck losing hope in everything you had put stock in to. fuck three meals a day. fuck wearing seatbelts. fuck starting school tomorrow and fuck red lights and fuck having to do laundry and fuck not being able to talk to people you want to talk to because you cant get ahold of them. fuck selfish people. fuck pride and stubborness and cockroaches and being broke and not having a bike to ride and a city too hilly to ride it in. fuck commitment and fuck love and fuck strangers who think they have it all figured out and fuck the little kid who wants the 3rd cupcake back in the second row because it has a little more blue in the frosting that doesnt taste any different than the red or the yellow or the purple. fuck feeling this way. fuck never being able to pick a song of the day that i really want because they arent bands that put out music videos. fuck these headaches and not being able to sleep. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

love loud, dont lose loud.

so, aside from cockroaches and flat tires on my bike and no bike pump and being too poor to pay rent (donations and doggy support greatly appreciated), my life is FUCKING AWESOME.




i really cant complain. at all. since ive been in texas, every day gets better and better. i feel like im on vacation. every day. i'm convinced that the reason for this is that it is impossible to feel like life is hard when you wear cut off jean shorts every day. i miss the cold, and sometimes i run my AC way up so that i can get all bundled up and pretend like its cold, but whatever. i GET to live here. i GET to work in a place where people ooh and aaah over all the beautiful bakery items, and i get to stand over them proud-like, as if i'm a curator of a fine art museum. i get to spend my days reading and learning, exploring, growing, getting to know people, etc... i havent been lost in weeks and it feels fabulous. the evenings in austin are what magic is made out of. at dusk, you are pummelled with life from every angle. fireflies, bats overhead, the songs of insects in the trees you dont hear in california, the smell of cooling asphalt, and sunsets that make you stop in your tracks to just stare. i miss california, and i miss my friends and the people that are like friends, but feel lucky as fuck to be here. even when i have a bad day, i am so grateful for this.





seriously. my life is good. i have an austin library card, and am reading a tree grows in brooklyn, and checked out a bunch of old movies which i have never seen before... its a wonderful life, bonnie and clyde, coal miners daughter (im in love with loretta lynn, fyi). ive been reading about addiction and recovery which has been amazing, reading about vampires and contemplating whether or not they actually could exist (and i've concluded that the only beneft to immortality is having enough time to do anything you wanted), reading about true crime, reading about reiki, practicing reiki (which i havent done for awhile and forgot how amazing it is. the healies. i wish i could offer it to every single person in any sort of recovery program.) i get to go on walks and sit by rivers and enjoy the shade. in addition to two jobs and school, which starts monday, i am going to take a french class, a glass blowing class, a tour of famous churches in austin, learn how to shoot a gun, and mmmmaaaaaybe go cave exploring. there is an exhibit at the museum i am really excited to see. i cant find a ballet class i can afford, but im still looking. also, i want to find a band i can sing for. i cant sing great, but i think i can get by. megan says i have gumption, and that gets a person far. you know, cuz once school starts i have so much free time.





i am trying to go to nashville for my birthday, and a road trip to memphis is in the works. i remember a time not so long ago, where i was so plagued with tunnel vision that i thought i only had one thing to look forward to, and now i know thats crazy talk. school starts in 2 days. im going to see the only metal band i like, which happens to be from oakland on monday night. my mom is coming on friday, i have two friends coming in august, trips in september, another fabulous show to go to in august with yet another band from the bay area and polar bear club, which i hear is a fabulous band to see. i have places to see, people to meet (including myself), life to live, love to give. i have so many things to look forward to its ridiculous. i get to go to school and learn something new, and something i will be able to give to people. i get to think about where i'd like to live after texas, if i ever decide to leave, and if i'm still in school its a toss up between SF and Orange County. If I'm out of school, its a toss up between SF and somewhere that snows on Christmas. i'm not worried about where to go next, but its fun to think about. also fun to think about is my kids. i will save that topic for another blog, because its a good topic and i think it deserves its own space. i've realized that living one day at a time doesnt mean i cant think about the future, but that i cant worry about it. its still important to think ahead, and to have goals, and dreams, and hope for what may come. i just need to be less rigid in how i get there, and a little more flexible in my planning. oh my god. you mean the world doesnt revolve around me? damn straight. its cool. it still revolves, and amazing things happen, and everything always ends up ok in the end anyway, even if its not always on my schedule.



new glasses. new song.

posts to look forward to: my life as a mom, movie magic time, and my favorite moments of the last year the photo edition (july to july).

morgan does dallas.

going to the library. be back with the 3rd installment of today's series shortly.

ok. so i guess shortly was a lie and its a few days later. whatevs. its a long story involving shitty internet and shitty brand new computers. anyway.

last weekend i went to dallas to visit my good friend sarah and had a fucking blast. i love that A) we hardly know eachother, yet know eachother well enough to share the same thoughts and B) that she loves doing geeky shit like i do. also i love her because shes awesome, straight-forward, funny and gets me. this is me on my way out of town. the shirt? got it the last time me and sarah were together. we got matching shirts. it has a panda on it and says "wtf." i realized after that taking this picture, we get another famous acronym of FTW. awesome. also awesome? its a band t-shirt for a band that is called "someday parish." nothing to do with pandas, but a good band.

so, i got there last friday after dilly-dallying at texas truck stops (my newest favorite thing about texas, also where i scored this beauty... yeah, its the state of texas around my pretty lil neck. why not? when in rome...): and ross where i got a new bag that was essential to my livelihood and best buy, where i finally got the paramore album. yeah, i cant pay rent but fuck it. so i got to dallas around seven and we just hung out around her house, catching up and whatnot. i dunno, around 11 we drove out to fort worth and went to the stockyards, which is this amazing little cowboy haven where cattle roam the cobblestone streets, and had a few drinks at this great place called the white elephant and i met some of sarah's texas friends.

saturday was awweeeesooomme though. we went downtown and i saw where JKF was shot, and the book depository he was shot from. we meandered through the streets, decided that next time i was in town we would take the bonnie and clyde tour, played in the fountains and had sparkle hour and shared fabulous tacos. we ate empanadas at this little cafe in this artsy district in dallas and in case you were wondering, this is what happiness looks like...

we watched jazz in the park, saturday night we went out, and dallas is waaayyy different than austin. we went to a bar where there is a gigantic jenga game out back, then went dancing at this place called the slip in and had so much fucking fun it was ridiculous. while waiting for our car to arrive from valet, we asked someone to take a picture of us and some random guys jumped in creating for us, the "random dude in picture" shot. then we decided we were hungry and that since I had never had sonic burger before, that was our destination. so, yes, i finally had sonic. are there are pictures to prove it. because as we all know, for whatever reason i have tons of pictures of me eating. i dont know why this is. sarah asked the lady at the window how she felt about popping my sonic cherry. and no weekend would be complete without about 700 rounds of shaking it. so did we have fun? i think a picture says a thousand words.

you can see the rest of our weekend here, which is also where i will be posting most of my photos since i take a lot of them.

song of the day, even though i have been AWFUL about this. not all my fault.

post no. 2.

so, i have a lot to write about today, and LOTS of pictures to post, but i am going to post several different blogs because not a whole lot of what i have to say is related. so here is number two.

so, the other night i was looking through some photos and realized two things: one, that i did not write anything about my cross country adventure and two, how awesome my last few weeks in california were.

i'm not actually going to write a whole lot about the drive out here. it was just a lot of time in the car with my dad and my dog, a lot of beautiful landscapes to take in, incredible sunrises and sunsets, and some great memories. linus got to see the beach for the first time ever.

what i really wanted to write about was how awesome my last few weeks at home were, and there is nothing i would have done differently. i spent some amazing time with amazing people. i explored san francisco in a way i have never done before. i spent time with people that i've known for years, but really got to know them and how awesome they are as i was leaving. i was more relaxed than i've felt in years, laughed more, cried less, spent time at the lake, picnic'ed, barbequed, ate burritos, let go of old things, faced my fears, saw my strength, went to baseball games, had a fantastic going away party, made mix cd's for my friends, took pictures, received the only hug in my life that literally moved me in every way imaginable, trusted my gut, started to forgive, started to face myself, was vulnerable and happy and sad and then happy again. i danced, i sang, i loved. and was able to walk away from everything comfortable and predictable and safe, and did so without a heavy heart. i realized that the people i have chosen to be part of my life are amazing, loyal, and genuine friends. from the day i decided to move here, until the day i pulled out of my driveway with tears spilling down my face, everything was perfect. i would not change any of that for the world.

the great debate. post no. 1 of the day. 3 more coming...

some time ago, me and this guy i know had this on going debate between which was worse- bakery or front end. neither of us, of course, had ever worked in the other department so we really didnt have any sort of vantage point on which to draw any conclusions. he always said he hated hearing about people on the front end bitch about how shitty their jobs were, or how hard it was or whatever. his claim was that he would take front end over bakery any day. i, on the other hand, being a front-ender, looked at other departments as if they were cakewalks and that the front end was, in fact, awful.

so now, i have done both. front end and bakery. and i'll tell you what. i will take bakery over the front end ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. seriously. its chill, the time goes by quickly, i get to move around... people give me hugs and tell me nice things like how i am "prettier than all the cakes." and at the end of the day, i smell like sweet, delicious baked goods. i smell good enough to eat. it reminds me of this movie "micheal" that came out forever ago, and john travolta was in it and he was an angel, and he smelled like fresh baked cookies which made women flock to him. i like to think it does the same thing for me, and even if it doesnt i can pretend. i like to think that my bakery scent now matches my sweet disposition. i match.

also, i got to decorate my first cake the other day. i was all alone in the department and this guy wanted happy birthday or something written on the cake and i was all, fuck. ok. so i told him that i would write on his cake IF he promised not to laugh at me and not to be mad because it was my first time. he agreed, and it turned out ok. i wish i had taken a picture.

thats all about this. i win. bakery is way better than the front end.

never never never AGAIN. or at least, for now.

alright, ladies and gents. buckle your seatbelts, grab a cup of coffee, and get comfy. this is going to be a long one.



its been awhile since i last visited the interwebz. seriously. awhile. without having a 9-5 where i sit around and do nothing except look at the internet, i have very little interest in coming here. but something brought me back today, and the only reason i can determine for coming here today is release. my friend penny says my chakras are blocked and that she can feel it all the way in new york. take it or leave it, but i believe her. i have been writing in my journal but not here, and like i mentioned before this is a different sort of release for me. its far more a creative process for me here than it is in my journal. so, without quite knowing where to start or where i'm going, i'm just diving in head first. fuck looking ahead.



so. in many ways, the last two weeks have been some of the most amazing two weeks of my life. and truth be told, some of the worst days i've had in a long time have fallen within this last two weeks, which makes it that much more amazing, because i'm still standing. a year ago, i don't know that i could say the same thing. i am still very much in one piece, unscathed, unharmed, and optimistic. everyone i meet says austin is an amazing place for healing, and i feel it. i am grateful for this gift... of having me time in this city.

First things first: Every thing that I am doing right now is for me. Me. Wow. This program I am working through is for me, and for the first time in my life I don't care what anyone else thinks. I am not doing this for approval or accolades. Having support in what I'm doing is nice, but its not my driving force. I am not ashamed of what I am doing, and I am in no way trying to hide from something that makes me a better person. If you don't agree with my choices, fine. I don't really care. I don't mean that in a bitter or hostile way, just, fine. I don't care. You can think what you want and its not my job to convince you to see my side. Do what you want with it. Also, when people say "it'll get better," I'm like, yeah. I know. I'm not worried about it because I know it will. Also in this is saying, yeah, i don't like my current situation but deal with it. No one else put you here except for you. EVERYTHING that i am unhappy about in my life is MY OWN DOING. being in texas, not knowing anyone, having a dog i am unable to care for right now, my resentments, my angers and frustrations, the 23 dollars in my bank account... all. me. and I think when I first came to this realization it was an incredibly crushing blow to my psyche. i stayed in bed all day. but the nice thing about realizing this is, as someone told me yesterday, is the relief that comes with knowing that if i put myself here i can get myself out of here. i accept that responsibility in both directions, good and bad. also in realizing this is, i am not responsible for anyone else. whatsoever. and that takes a million pounds off my shoulders. all i can do is what is right for me, and as harsh or as cold as it may sound, never expect anything from anyone else. this leads me to my next point, and my next first, and my next realization.



a few weeks ago, i did not handle a situation well. i thought i did, but looking back i realize that there are things i said that were not in line with how i would've preferred to conduct myself. and i sat on this for the last few days, trying to decide what to do. i came to the conclusion that what i needed to do was apologize for MY PART in it, and acknowledge what was wrong about what i had said, and so i reached out. I did so without expecting anything in return. it would have been nice for my apology to be acknowledged, but i didnt expect it. nor did i not expect immediate forgiveness. and knowing that, i was able to reach out that olive branch and do my part, and not feel responsible for the outcome. i hope that makes sense. i don't know that there have been many things I've done in life that I haven't done without expecting something in return, so this was a first. and i turned it over to god, or the universe, or whatever. i apologized, did my part, and the rest is completely out of my hands.



hmmm. what else. well, i've finally come up with a solution to what to do with Linus. Those of you who read this regularly know what an issue this has been for me. While i was meditating on something else last night, the answer to my linus dilemma came to me as loud as bells, and it is a decision that benefits the both of us, and seems exactly like the right solution, and so I can proceed with clarity and confidence. I don't know what the long-term outcome will be, and that's fine. I figure I'll know that as well when the time comes. but for now, he will be able to get what he needs, and i will be able to get what i need and its seems perfectly win-win. i wish the other decision i need to make was as crystal clear.

and lastly, and maybe most importantly, i've been thinking about this : "you teach people how to treat you." and i've spent hours thinking about this, and it is completely true. i HAVE taught people how to treat me, and then i blame them for not treating me the way i want. it is not their fault. and in thinking about this, i sort of took an inventory of what it is that ive taught people exactly, and i came down to this. i have taught people that they don't have to respect me, and that they can walk all over me. I have taught people that they can take advantage of me, and take advantage of my kindness and forgiving nature, and i have taught people that no matter what they have done in the past, that i would let it slide and be willing to forgive. now, i dont think forgiveness is a negative thing because it isnt, but when you are willing to forgive in order to set your own happiness aside, it is. i have taught people that my opinions and feelings dont matter much, and that i am here to be taken for granted. i have taught people that i would rather make them happy than myself. i have not stood up for myself because i was afraid of making someone else upset. i have taught people that i am willing to accept blame for things i may or may not have done wrong. i have taught people to treat me like i am fragile, that i am incapable of muddling through the truth, and that its ok to lie to me. i havent been very good about teaching people to treat me with respect, honesty, reciprocation, love, boundaries, and forgiveness for my faults or defects. i have taught people that i take a victim's stance, and because of that, its easier for me to be kept there by words or actions. i've done this my whole life. when i had to choose which parent to live with, i tried to kill myself because i would rather do that, sacrifice my own life, in order to not hurt either of their feelings. BUT its not all bad. i have taught people that i am sincere and loyal and loving and trustworthy and compassionate. i have taught people that whatever story comes out of my mouth won't be one-sided, and that i am willing to admit when i have been wrong. i have taught people that i am a good friend, funny, warm, thoughtful, graceful, supportive, smart, brave, and give people the benefit of the doubt (sometimes to a fault.) So I've made my mind up. I am changing my curriculum, and my tolerance for what i've put up with in the past has decreased by at least half. I am worth more than that shit. I am worth more than what I have allowed people to treat me as. and again, i dont blame them, for it was me who set the groundwork of what i thought was acceptable, but i can change that now. i deserve people in my life who are willing to forgive me for my faults, who are willing to see both sides of the fence even when they may not agree, who are willing to reciprocate love and respect, who are willing to put their anger aside long enough to admit their wrongs so I dont feel the need to take all the blame to make any given situation better. I deserve people in my life who encourage me and my well being and not mock it, who recognize what a strong, kind-hearted person I am. I deserve people who will listen to what I have to say and respect my opinions. I deserve two-sided relationships, reciprocity, people who are interested in what i have to say and people who take interest in what i am doing in my life. i deserve to have people in my life i can trust. so yeah, i guess i'm learning to stand up for myself, and take what i deserve and leave the rest. i've reached my breaking point of being not only a peacemaker, but a martyr. i'm putting my foot down and saying if you can't give me the respect i deserve, i dont want you around. i will no longer engage in conversations or interactions with people who end up making me feel bad about myself. i guess this is rising up with fists. i've been accepting of so many things that are far less than what i deserve and im done. doesnt mean that my love for these people isnt there anymore, but that i'm setting new limits of what is ok and what isnt. i'm not getting what i want out of life, and i blame myself. i'm fine with that. i've rewritten my job description. if you havent done this, its a fun exercise. write your current job description (in life, not your actual job.) is that a job you want? now rewrite it. i quit my old job. im sick of being everyone's caretaker and decision maker. it sucks. its not fun. its a lot of work, and no one listens to you anyway. i also believe that once people see these changes in me, that my interactions will improve with everyone around me. i think its impossible for that NOT to happen. let me be clear. i am in no way throwing blame or guilt or fault around, so please try not to misunderstand my points.

i feel healthier than i have felt in ages. there are a lot of things that point to this, and for those of you who know me well know what i mean when i say i look at myself now and think, fuck, you are REALLY skinny. eat some fucking food. i have never been able to do that. ever. its been awhile since i was in the practice of praying. and journaling. and creating. and exercising. and just doing things for me. i was so quick to drop whatever i was doing because i was worried someone wouldnt approve, or understand, or get upset, or.... so fuck it. you do what you do, i'll do what i do. my white flag is up. i surrender. i give up. if i could make people do what i wanted them to do, i wouldve done it a long time ago. its a waste of my time. so yeah, maybe things arent exactly what i imagined for myself, or what i would like them to be, and maybe i would like things to be different. i can make a list of things i would like, including conversations i would like to have with different people, but it is what it is. i can paint a perfect little picture of how i would like things to be as can all of us, and i can be disappointed and thats just being human. there isnt anything wrong with that.

and a special note: i am not, nor did i ever say i was throwing in the towel. i stand by that. but i am throwing it into the washing machine. its filthy. in this condition, it is of no use to anyone until it is clean. once it has been thoroughly washed and dried, i would like to have it professionally monogrammed.