never never never AGAIN. or at least, for now.

alright, ladies and gents. buckle your seatbelts, grab a cup of coffee, and get comfy. this is going to be a long one.



its been awhile since i last visited the interwebz. seriously. awhile. without having a 9-5 where i sit around and do nothing except look at the internet, i have very little interest in coming here. but something brought me back today, and the only reason i can determine for coming here today is release. my friend penny says my chakras are blocked and that she can feel it all the way in new york. take it or leave it, but i believe her. i have been writing in my journal but not here, and like i mentioned before this is a different sort of release for me. its far more a creative process for me here than it is in my journal. so, without quite knowing where to start or where i'm going, i'm just diving in head first. fuck looking ahead.



so. in many ways, the last two weeks have been some of the most amazing two weeks of my life. and truth be told, some of the worst days i've had in a long time have fallen within this last two weeks, which makes it that much more amazing, because i'm still standing. a year ago, i don't know that i could say the same thing. i am still very much in one piece, unscathed, unharmed, and optimistic. everyone i meet says austin is an amazing place for healing, and i feel it. i am grateful for this gift... of having me time in this city.

First things first: Every thing that I am doing right now is for me. Me. Wow. This program I am working through is for me, and for the first time in my life I don't care what anyone else thinks. I am not doing this for approval or accolades. Having support in what I'm doing is nice, but its not my driving force. I am not ashamed of what I am doing, and I am in no way trying to hide from something that makes me a better person. If you don't agree with my choices, fine. I don't really care. I don't mean that in a bitter or hostile way, just, fine. I don't care. You can think what you want and its not my job to convince you to see my side. Do what you want with it. Also, when people say "it'll get better," I'm like, yeah. I know. I'm not worried about it because I know it will. Also in this is saying, yeah, i don't like my current situation but deal with it. No one else put you here except for you. EVERYTHING that i am unhappy about in my life is MY OWN DOING. being in texas, not knowing anyone, having a dog i am unable to care for right now, my resentments, my angers and frustrations, the 23 dollars in my bank account... all. me. and I think when I first came to this realization it was an incredibly crushing blow to my psyche. i stayed in bed all day. but the nice thing about realizing this is, as someone told me yesterday, is the relief that comes with knowing that if i put myself here i can get myself out of here. i accept that responsibility in both directions, good and bad. also in realizing this is, i am not responsible for anyone else. whatsoever. and that takes a million pounds off my shoulders. all i can do is what is right for me, and as harsh or as cold as it may sound, never expect anything from anyone else. this leads me to my next point, and my next first, and my next realization.



a few weeks ago, i did not handle a situation well. i thought i did, but looking back i realize that there are things i said that were not in line with how i would've preferred to conduct myself. and i sat on this for the last few days, trying to decide what to do. i came to the conclusion that what i needed to do was apologize for MY PART in it, and acknowledge what was wrong about what i had said, and so i reached out. I did so without expecting anything in return. it would have been nice for my apology to be acknowledged, but i didnt expect it. nor did i not expect immediate forgiveness. and knowing that, i was able to reach out that olive branch and do my part, and not feel responsible for the outcome. i hope that makes sense. i don't know that there have been many things I've done in life that I haven't done without expecting something in return, so this was a first. and i turned it over to god, or the universe, or whatever. i apologized, did my part, and the rest is completely out of my hands.



hmmm. what else. well, i've finally come up with a solution to what to do with Linus. Those of you who read this regularly know what an issue this has been for me. While i was meditating on something else last night, the answer to my linus dilemma came to me as loud as bells, and it is a decision that benefits the both of us, and seems exactly like the right solution, and so I can proceed with clarity and confidence. I don't know what the long-term outcome will be, and that's fine. I figure I'll know that as well when the time comes. but for now, he will be able to get what he needs, and i will be able to get what i need and its seems perfectly win-win. i wish the other decision i need to make was as crystal clear.

and lastly, and maybe most importantly, i've been thinking about this : "you teach people how to treat you." and i've spent hours thinking about this, and it is completely true. i HAVE taught people how to treat me, and then i blame them for not treating me the way i want. it is not their fault. and in thinking about this, i sort of took an inventory of what it is that ive taught people exactly, and i came down to this. i have taught people that they don't have to respect me, and that they can walk all over me. I have taught people that they can take advantage of me, and take advantage of my kindness and forgiving nature, and i have taught people that no matter what they have done in the past, that i would let it slide and be willing to forgive. now, i dont think forgiveness is a negative thing because it isnt, but when you are willing to forgive in order to set your own happiness aside, it is. i have taught people that my opinions and feelings dont matter much, and that i am here to be taken for granted. i have taught people that i would rather make them happy than myself. i have not stood up for myself because i was afraid of making someone else upset. i have taught people that i am willing to accept blame for things i may or may not have done wrong. i have taught people to treat me like i am fragile, that i am incapable of muddling through the truth, and that its ok to lie to me. i havent been very good about teaching people to treat me with respect, honesty, reciprocation, love, boundaries, and forgiveness for my faults or defects. i have taught people that i take a victim's stance, and because of that, its easier for me to be kept there by words or actions. i've done this my whole life. when i had to choose which parent to live with, i tried to kill myself because i would rather do that, sacrifice my own life, in order to not hurt either of their feelings. BUT its not all bad. i have taught people that i am sincere and loyal and loving and trustworthy and compassionate. i have taught people that whatever story comes out of my mouth won't be one-sided, and that i am willing to admit when i have been wrong. i have taught people that i am a good friend, funny, warm, thoughtful, graceful, supportive, smart, brave, and give people the benefit of the doubt (sometimes to a fault.) So I've made my mind up. I am changing my curriculum, and my tolerance for what i've put up with in the past has decreased by at least half. I am worth more than that shit. I am worth more than what I have allowed people to treat me as. and again, i dont blame them, for it was me who set the groundwork of what i thought was acceptable, but i can change that now. i deserve people in my life who are willing to forgive me for my faults, who are willing to see both sides of the fence even when they may not agree, who are willing to reciprocate love and respect, who are willing to put their anger aside long enough to admit their wrongs so I dont feel the need to take all the blame to make any given situation better. I deserve people in my life who encourage me and my well being and not mock it, who recognize what a strong, kind-hearted person I am. I deserve people who will listen to what I have to say and respect my opinions. I deserve two-sided relationships, reciprocity, people who are interested in what i have to say and people who take interest in what i am doing in my life. i deserve to have people in my life i can trust. so yeah, i guess i'm learning to stand up for myself, and take what i deserve and leave the rest. i've reached my breaking point of being not only a peacemaker, but a martyr. i'm putting my foot down and saying if you can't give me the respect i deserve, i dont want you around. i will no longer engage in conversations or interactions with people who end up making me feel bad about myself. i guess this is rising up with fists. i've been accepting of so many things that are far less than what i deserve and im done. doesnt mean that my love for these people isnt there anymore, but that i'm setting new limits of what is ok and what isnt. i'm not getting what i want out of life, and i blame myself. i'm fine with that. i've rewritten my job description. if you havent done this, its a fun exercise. write your current job description (in life, not your actual job.) is that a job you want? now rewrite it. i quit my old job. im sick of being everyone's caretaker and decision maker. it sucks. its not fun. its a lot of work, and no one listens to you anyway. i also believe that once people see these changes in me, that my interactions will improve with everyone around me. i think its impossible for that NOT to happen. let me be clear. i am in no way throwing blame or guilt or fault around, so please try not to misunderstand my points.

i feel healthier than i have felt in ages. there are a lot of things that point to this, and for those of you who know me well know what i mean when i say i look at myself now and think, fuck, you are REALLY skinny. eat some fucking food. i have never been able to do that. ever. its been awhile since i was in the practice of praying. and journaling. and creating. and exercising. and just doing things for me. i was so quick to drop whatever i was doing because i was worried someone wouldnt approve, or understand, or get upset, or.... so fuck it. you do what you do, i'll do what i do. my white flag is up. i surrender. i give up. if i could make people do what i wanted them to do, i wouldve done it a long time ago. its a waste of my time. so yeah, maybe things arent exactly what i imagined for myself, or what i would like them to be, and maybe i would like things to be different. i can make a list of things i would like, including conversations i would like to have with different people, but it is what it is. i can paint a perfect little picture of how i would like things to be as can all of us, and i can be disappointed and thats just being human. there isnt anything wrong with that.

and a special note: i am not, nor did i ever say i was throwing in the towel. i stand by that. but i am throwing it into the washing machine. its filthy. in this condition, it is of no use to anyone until it is clean. once it has been thoroughly washed and dried, i would like to have it professionally monogrammed.