hi. me again.

so, i know i was already here today, but i was rushed and i dont like that. now, i have some free time before i go to work, and thought i'd finish my earlier thoughts.

so, dinner was good, and not having to pay for it because my friend's cousin works at the tucson location and she is visiting right now, is even better. i have a clean apartment and clean clothes. i have, as one lady put it today, the cutest dog in the park and that he should be in advertisements, so, i'm feeling pretty lucky.

that doesnt mean that i am not angry. in fact, i am furious right now. something happened today that left me so mad all i could do was shake and cry. but this is what i am glad about: i didnt do what i normally do, which is to attack. dont get me wrong, the instinct was there but i fought it. even now, its hard not to unleash all my demons here on this page, to explain everything from start to finish and say everything i really want to say. but i'm glad that i'm not. there is no resolution in that. my immediate instinct was to really lay into this person, tell them how awful they were, how mad i am at them, make them feel guilty, shun them from my life, etc, etc. but this goes back to what i was saying yesterday, about doing my best to live my life in a way that i dont have to apologize for my behavior later.

i think one of my biggest motivators in life is doubt. this may or may not be healthy, and probably isnt, but its the truth. when someone doubts me, says i cant do something, or wont, or whatever, i will put every ounce of my being into proving them wrong. now, saying that, it sounds pretty shitty. so im going to rephrase and say this, when someone doubts me, if that affects me, that means i actually doubt myself and my capabilities to some degree. THAT is my drive. To prove myself wrong. Generally, if someone tells me i can do something if i just put my mind to it, my response is, yeah, i know. this is different. so, i have to hand it to myself. once i've commited myself to something, i'm pretty dedicated to making that change. almost everything in my life, once i've decided to do it, i do it well... So, that i made a commitment to myself to change the way i deal with my anger, and am actually doing it and will continue doing it, makes me feel proud.

also, in this angry frenzy from earlier, in addition to wanting to lash out at the person whom made me mad, my second thought was, ok, now what do i do now? forgive them? forget them? all of the above? none of the above? and just over the course of a few hours, and talking to the right people, i decided that i dont need to make that decision now, and not only that, any decision i make right now is going to be anger-based and most likely not the most rational. no one told me these things... i pretty much came to these conclusions on my own and by listening. wow. what a novel idea. listening. this is not something i've done well, as i've always waited for my turn to speak, and not been such a good listener. well, to borrow some corny phrase from somewhere else, the tides, they are a changin... by listening and not reacting immediately, i actually saved myself from a further argument that would have made myself feel worse and then would have spent the rest of the day beating myself up over it and waiting for my turn to apologize. thats amazing. and so fucking simple. i dont know why i didnt do this sooner. is this what patience feels like?

so, i can be mad. ive reasoned that for now, thats ok. the rest will work itself out. someone said something amazing today: i can finally stop hoping for a better past. it is so true, and something i will probably think about long and hard the next few days. it can be so hard to let go of old anger or hurt or resentments. at this point, i'm not very good at that. at all. but i'm willing to learn. and what he said reminded me of something else i read, which resonates throughout my head all day:

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end."

i have not been very fair. i have held so many things over so many peoples' heads. i do not need to crucify myself for every shitty thing i've ever done, either to myself or the people i love. nor do i need to crucify them for what they've done to me. i can forgive, and start from now and create the kind of relationships i want to have with the people closest to me, without having to find them buried under all the shit i may have put them through over the years or vice versa. if i ask for forgiveness, i should be willing to offer the same forgiveness in return. fresh starts. no one is perfect, and i am far from it. i make mistakes. sometimes i forget to do the right thing. but i do keep trying. and i will make more mistakes, that i know for sure. right now i am trying to learn, and grow, and be the best morgan i can be. just saying that, or writing that, feels like such an acknowledgement to myself, and because of that i know i can do this, and i can do this well.