such is life.

some days, it is so hard to believe that its already been two months since i moved here. the time has passed so quickly.

other days, i cant believe i've ONLY been here two months. i feel so comfortable here, so established in my new life, that it seems impossible that everything that i've experienced, everything i've seen, how well i've adapted to my new environment could possibly have occured in just two months. it sometimes takes people years to get to this point. i have several circles of friends, school is AMAZING and i dont know why i didnt do this sooner because it is so clear this is what i should be doing. i know my way around, and if someone came to visit, i could give them a tour of austin as if i've lived here for years. i love how nice people are, i love my apartment, i love how content and hopeful i feel. these are two very new feelings. i love the state of my mental health, and that i feel so strong, so independent, and so free. i love that i have been given a chance at life, and to make it what i want it to be. its amazing what a change of scenery can do for your well-being. oakland was hard on the eyes and hard on the soul. don't get me wrong. i love the bay area. i love the east bay and i love san francisco. it is where my heart is. it is home. but i don't think the bay area is very nice. it has so many sharp corners and hard edges that will bruise you, cut you, and make you bleed. it is a very suit yourself, you're on your own style of living, much is any city. i think living like that for too long makes you cynical, cold, and hard. i don't want to be that way right now. i want to be warm and squishy. i love that last night, instead of hitting a bar on a friday night like most people i know, i stayed home and finished an art project, went for a nice walk with my neighbor, and played catch in my parking lot in a dress, barefoot, and wearing a baseball mitt. at one o'clock in the morning. i have been talking about getting a baseball glove for ages, and this is just one more thing i said i was going to do and finally did. i love my neighbor. he's become this sort-of best friend, little brother, confidant to me. we spend a few evenings a week on my front porch talking about life. he'll tell me about his day, the girls he likes, the girls that like him, his dreams of being a cop even though his dad wants him to be a politician, is about to start playing baseball with a local team and is hoping to make it to the majors like his uncle (i told him when that happens, i get dibs on good seats.) he'll ask me how school went, takes genuine interest in what i am doing with my life, lets me show him my DOLL HEADS and the up-dos and whatever and never begrudgingly, and always encouraging. sometimes we'll sit on the back of my car eating candy. he is seriously the sweetest, most kind-hearted kid. i love him to death.

oh. so. back to the bay. will i go back one day? sure. but not for awhile. i don't know that i will even come back to visit for a long, long time. i like it here. i think if i were to even visit right now, it would be a very sad, very difficult thing for me. i know that getting off that plane would mean picking up old memories, dusting them off, examining them, and maybe tucking them into my pocket to keep them close. and then i'd have to leave them all behind again to get back on that airplane. i like that my life starts now. i am creating new memories every day. i am creating a self, that i haven't known for a long time, if ever. i think part of this is having no one to focus on but myself, and i think a lot of this has to do with school. i had no idea the level of confidence and self-esteem that would come along with school. i just thought, yeah, im going to learn how to do hair. whatevs. but its more. its probably one of the only things i've ever done that is just for me. it has purpose. i have direction, and know where i'm going now. i think many of us twenty-somethings are lacking this. we go to college, get a degree, and then do nothing with it because we can't. so we're just this well-educated, poorly-paid, somewhat lost generation just floating around trying to fiugure out what to do next. maybe we look to others for guidance or ideas, maybe we have no idea who we are so we seek to find ourselves in other people. i dont know. all i know is that i am creating an identity each day i go to class. i feel good about myself. i put myself together, and i show up 100%.

all that being said, i haven't changed that much that i'm not going to throw out a birthday reminder. it is less than two months, and i most likely will be writing up my wish list.

i love you and miss you all.