second thoughts, or maybe clearer thoughts... maybe both.

so, the other day i wrote about wanting a date. i don't know that that's true. maybe its a little true, but not for the right reasons. i want company, and its been in my nature to look for company in men. this is not what i came to austin to do. i came here to grow, and to learn some things about myself. i've also learned that i came to austin for the wrong reasons as well, and i dont want to be here, but i'm here for at least 5 months until my lease is up and there isnt anything i can do about it other than make the most of it. so, i retract my earlier statement about wanting a date. i dont. all it would be is a distraction from what i need to do.

i want to be content in my alone time. right now this is hard because its not my choice. all i have is alone time and i'm sick of it... but i used to be content with myself and somewhere along the line i stopped taking care of myself, or liking myself, and started turning all my energy outwards. i guess thats my second goal, to find a way to do both. i dont have to stop taking care of myself in order to be of service to others. i dont have to put my needs last to appease someone else. i can do both. i have a tendancy to see black and white, even though i flounder around in the gray area of not knowing until i make a decision. whoa. i just figured something out. thats what i do. when i cant see one way or another, one outcome or another, an outcome or plan or decision, i just pick something instead of waiting to see what happens, because that gray area is uncomfortable for me. i guess its that feeling of powerlessness. when i dont know whats going to happen, i try to make something happen instead of just letting it be. i have conflicting feelings about this, because things in life DO require work. no one wins the lotto without buying a ticket, so i guess i just have a hard time knowing when to take action and when to sit back and relax.

about, oh, close to a year ago now, i was doing really well with this. i made a lit of things i needed to do everyday and did them; not a laundry list of errands, but a list of spiritual and moral to-do's. and even if my day started out crappy, i did what i could to turn it around. i was a much brighter, happier, easy-going person at that time, and i guess it was because i was taking care of me. then i gave up. wait. no. i stopped doing the things that made me feel good because i felt good, but once you stop, you stop feeling the benefits as well. maybe not right away, but soon. and then i gave up, and gave in to feeling destined to a life of sadness and lonliness, neediness, etc. i would stop taking care of myself, but that caregiver in me would still need a job, so i would then concern myself with other people who may need my help. so today, i am grateful that i have already laid the foundation for myself and the work i need to do, i know what works and what doesnt, so now that i am getting back on track i am not totally starting from scratch. i like myself better when i take care of myself, so does everyone around me. and, i am far more useful to others when i'm not wallowing in my own self pity.

i started journaling again, and started blogging again. i know this may seem like two of the same things, but for whatever reason, for me, it isnt. i get a different sense of clarification from both tasks. i write differently. my journal is more of an intense looking inwards, where as this is more objective? im not sure thats the right word. whatever. it works. i get what i need from both, so why not... and the alone time, at least for now i am able to look at alone time from afar and say i would like to enjoy that. thats a step. and im doing the best i can to keep myself so busy that alone time is going to seem like a gift at some point. i am starting to find comfort and support in a place that seemed so unlikely to me, and with people i never wouldve known otherwise. And through them, i am hoping to let my friends just be friends and not therapists, my eventual boyfriend to just be my boyfriend and not my entire life, and let these women be my support for the things they understand because they've been through as well. Everyone has a role, but not one person should be expected to fulfill all those roles... not my mom, my sister, my best friend. sometimes you do just want to talk, and sometimes you want to talk to a specific person, and sometimes you just want to have someone listen to you, and sometimes you want advice and sometimes not. and i dont have to give any of these things up, but my goal is to direct the appropriate conversations to the appropriate people. more importantly, i need to learn when to not talk and to just deal with a crisis on my own. in 100% honesty, i don't know that i've ever done that, because its hard and it sucks and you want to cry to someone and share your problems and have someone offer you sympathy and thats what friends are for, right? see- this is why i love blogging. because i write differently here than i do in a journal, i come to different conclusions, or a-ha moments here than i do in a journal. i just got it that maybe one of my biggest weaknesses is not containing my own sorrow or grief to myself from time to time, because it seems less toxic to get it out- but maybe thats the problem. maybe if i make it through JUST ONE crisis without turning outward, and managing that crisis myself, AND in a productive, healthy manner that doesnt involve booze or starving, i will find that source of inner strength i have been missing for so long. i do not mean keeping it inside, but to learn how to manage it on my own and being less dependent on other people to fix whatevers wrong. to sit with my feelings, acknowledge them, experience whatever they bring up, and then move forward. only i can do that.

this confuses me a little, because again, isnt that what friends are for? for insight or support or a shoulder to cry on? and sometimes, the source of our anxiety or worry is maybe something that was said to someone else, and wanting to apologize or clarify because having someone mad at you doesnt feel good. the other day, i was a really shitty friend to several people all in one day, including myself, and i am grateful that i have chosen friends who are so understanding and forgiving, and that the next day when i said i was sorry and didnt mean the things i said, they understood that i was just having a shitty day. this was also difficult for me, putting my pride aside and stepping up to the plate. i cant say that i wouldve done the same thing so soon a year ago. but what if they didnt? what if they took what i meant to heart and didnt welcome me back? i wouldve then had to deal with the pain i put on myself by being mean and losing those who are closest to me. that is the lesson i've learned from that. choose wisely. i have a tendancy to be intentionally mean when i'm feeling bad and that needs to stop right. now. and i am getting a WHOLE LOT better about this too. it comes from a place of defensiveness i'd i'd like to visit that place as little as possible. for example, about 4 months ago my sister and i had a fight and i said a lot of awful things that i wish i could take back. but when we got into an argument the other day, even though i was fuming and all those mean and hateful things were at the tip of my tongue, i didnt say them. this was a lot harder than just saying them, but a lot easier afterwards because then i didnt feel bad or feel the need to apologize. i want to do things that i dont want to have to apologize for later. this is how i want to live my life. this can be difficult because sometimes i think i HAVE chosen my words carefully and sometimes they still get misinterpreted, and then i feel the need to explain or fix it because that wasnt what i meant, but that can often make things worse. if i said something, and it wasnt taken the way i meant it, it is going to take a lot to convince the other person otherwise once they've already decided to believe what they believe, and then an argument errupts. so again, another lesson. take a step back. i know that i didnt mean it the way it was taken, and i should be able to go on with my day knowing that i wasnt trying to be cruel. it is really difficult to know that someone took something out of context, or the wrong way, and to not dwell on it, like THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOURE TWISTING MY WORDS! how do you not want to forge full speed ahead into making someone understand what you really did mean? i dunno. there are a lot of things i'm learning, and one of them is that i am not going to have all the answers today (and thats hard too, with my personality being so solution-oriented) and i'm still working a lot of things out, and i'm sure the answers will come. one day at a time.