one of those days.

sometimes you wake up and you know that youre day is going to be less than fantastic. you generally know this as soon as you open your eyes. often, those days are contigent on a late night and not enough sleep, such is the case of my morning. this, by far, has been one of the worst mornings i've had in a while. my dog decided that he wanted to get up at oh, about 5 am. which puts me at approximately 3 hours of sleep for the day. following the early morning barking extravaganza, someones fucking car alarm went off for about 7 minutes. this is at about 530. if i had any hopes of getting my dog to go back to sleep, they were shattered. AND, not sure if it was my alarm, had to rumage around in the dark for my keys to make sure that i wasnt the asshole who's alarm was plagueing the neighborhood. after i cried about making coffee... yes, i cried over coffee, mainly because i didnt want to drink it because all i wanted to do was go back to sleep, i called my mom and the first words out of my mouth were, "hi mom. i'm so sad today." then cried a little more. after about an hour of talking to my mom, I decided that i would have cigarettes and gatorade for breakfast... its the electrolytes. (stephanie, i know you will know what i'm referring to.) because my morning was so fantastic, you can only imagine how much better seeing a dead body at the bus stop made it. now, i know some of you may ask how i know he was dead, and i'll tell you. because the man, who looked like he couldn't have been older than his late teans or early twenties, was laying on the bus stop bench- NOT MOVING- while a police officer went through his jacket. you could tell he was looking for some sort of identification. i think he probably fell asleep there and suffered from hypothermia? i dunno, but that would be my guess. again, you still may be asking how i am so sure that he was, in fact, dead... when a body doesnt move for about twenty minutes, and the police havent bothered to call the paramedics, you can be pretty sure that the paramedics arent necessary. that they wouldnt have anything to save. when there is a dead body, an ambulance generally does not need to rush to the scene. sure, they'll show up, maybe?, but no need for lights and sirens. in all fairness, i did not see the coroner arrive, because i don't think its my place to stand on a street corner and ogle the corpse of someone's loved one. it just isnt cool. i saw what i saw, and there are some things you are certain of. this is one of those things. so, yeah, so far, my days been shitty. however, in perspective, i didnt fall asleep at a bus stop and never wake up. like, so what i'm sad... so what i'm tired... at least i'm not dead. in situations like this, watching this video cheers me up. this is my little man.

i'm so in love i have to make a second post today.

i am in girl-heterosexual-love with jenny lewis. its true. nicole richie too, but not nearly as much and for no real apparent reason... this will be discussed at a later date. but for now, i love jenny lewis. i think she writes amazing songs, shes cute and sassy and bold and i love her. sometimes i forget about this for a little while, then i'll get a wild hair up my ass to listen to an album of hers and my heart melts... melts, and then pieces itself back together so it can skip a beat. favorite of the day? this:

What are you changing?
Who do you think you're changing?
You can't change things, we're all stuck in our ways
It's like trying to clean the ocean
What do you think you can drain it?
Well it was poison and dry long before you came
But you can wake up younger under the knife
And you can wake up sounder if you get analyzed
And I better wake up
There but for the grace of God,
go hide
It's hard to believe your prophets
When they're asking you to change things
But with their suspect lives
we look the other way
Are you really that pure, Sir?
Thought I saw you in Vegas
It was not pretty, but she was
But she will wake up wealthy
And you will wake up 45
And she will wake up with babies
There but for the grace of God, go i
What am I fighting for?
The cops are at the front door
I can't escape that way, the windows are in flames
And what's that on your ankle?
You say they're not coming for you
But house arrest is really just the same
Like when you wake up behind the bar
Trying to remember where you are
Having crushed all the pretty things
There but for the grace of God, go i
But I still believe
And I will rise up with fists
And I will take what's mine mine mine
There but for the grace of God, go i
There but for the grace of God, go i
There but for the grace of God, go i


sarah silverman is in this video, and i love her too. for those of you are more moved by auditory stimuli, you can watch this and listen:

the word of the day is visceral.

decisions, decisions... hmmmmm.....

for those of you who don't know, i am typically a terrible decision maker. i get very wishy-washy when faced with either/or situations. so i get these shoes or those? do i get this phone or save a few bucks and get this one? which bathing suit do i like better? and so on and so forth. for those of you who do know about my poor decision making abilities and have been through the debate with me about this or that, you know how difficult that can be. when i finally DO make a decision and stick with it, i tend to get applause.

now imagine that if i have trouble making little decisions, how difficult you think it would be to make BIG decisions... what's funny, is that the bigger the dilemma, the more real, or more consequential, the easier it is for me to make a decision. today i made a big, life altering decision. sure, i was back and forth on this issue for about 3 days, but this morning i woke up after a good nights sleep (amazing what those can do for you, by the way...) and knew what i had to do. without question, i knew what was right. this is amazing. it feels good. and really, when you make the right decision, you know. my choice involved making a commitment, and the alternative choice- giving up, quitting, letting him down, just didnt feel right. it made me cry to think about it. it made me sad. it made my stomach churn. nothing about a negative, physiological reaction says, "yes, do this. this is the right thing to do." had i decided to give up just because this was something that would be challenging, it is something i would regret for probably ever. i almost did before and am so glad i didnt. the pros outweigh the cons indefinately. giving up would, in all honesty, be letting myself down. sure, by making this decision i am making a choice to sacrifice some things; i am going to go through some tough times but in the long run, it will be worth it. because after the difficulties subside, or get less difficult, what i will be left with is a best friend and companion, unconditional love and forgiveness, and a reason to smile every day. i made a promise, a commitment to do this and i am keeping my word. no one said it was going to be easy, and it isnt, but sometimes the things that are most important are the things that challenge us, and force us to change for the better.

hindsight

hindsight, as they say, is supposed to be 20/20. but fuck it. hindsight isnt shit. it doesnt correct anything in the past, and really, doesnt correct anything in the future either. this is because hindsight happens after the fact. so even if you've learned from your mistakes and they have become crystal clear due to said hindsight, the height of an argument is probably not when you will remember what you know and instincts kick in. fight or flight. (for those of you who dont know, this is why most dogs bite. if the option to flee is taken away, i.e. being on a leash or tethered up somewhere, then the only instinct they have left is to fight.) so, being that even humans have the same general instincts as dogs, albeit somewhat more sophisticated, when the option to flee is removed (either someone has taken that away or you dont see it as the best option available), you bare your teeth and growl. furthermore, dogs in the wild will generally only engage in aggressive behavior in order to protect something they value, whether it be food, territory, offspring. i think this is why some people in a relationship will choose to engage in a fight or argument. They don't see fleeing as a viable option because it means losing something important. So what they have left is an irrepressable urge to guard whatever they feel is being threatened, which may surface as aggression. For me, I think this is a way of saying, hey, this is important to me and rather than walk away I want to protect it and i think its worth fighting for, literally. this is where that stupid hindsight kicks in... you fight, and then look back, again, and say "fuck. i knew better." i'm not necessarily saying one way is better than the other, and i commend those who are able to walk away when they are really mad but able to come back when they are calm, because ultimately thats the best way to go. nothing productive comes out of a screaming match. so again, fuck hindsight.

yesterday i did something terrible, and i feel like horseshit today about it. i won't discuss it here because it is a private matter between myself and the other party involved, nor do i feel it necessary to discuss it in a public forum. however, i will say i was a pretty shitty human being yesterday. hindsight does me no favors now, but had i had the foresight to think about what i needed to say and how it needed to be said, and what actions were appropriate versus inappropriate, i wouldnt be in the boat i'm in now. that being said, i say we start a new movement of "foresight being 20/20."

hell hath no fury.

this is how i feel today... like a stifled copy of myself.

however, i have come to the conclusion that being last is still better than not being included at all. also, this is my new, old favorite band again.

and the award goes to...

so apparently the academy awards are on tonight. i dont really care. however, i did decide that if i were to receive an oscar for say, best dramatic actress, and had to come up with my list of people to thank, it would be these folks:

these two because, well, they are my mom and my dad and they gave me life. they made sure i had food in my mouth and a roof over my head well beyond 18 years. they continue to support me in all i choose to do, even if they may not always agree with my decisions.

these guys (not including the lady in the middle) have given me so many, yet different, valuable life lessons, tools and unconditional love. its amazing what you can learn from an 8 year old, and its amazing how someone can love you and take you under his wing like his own child even though he didnt meet you until you were 13.

i would also have to thank all these ladies. they make it possible for me to say i have 7 sisters (although there are only 4 here), which is always an interesting conversation topic. and each and every one of my sisters has taught me something, put up with me, trusted me, made me laugh, shared an inside joke and made being part of a family an amazing experience.

this is my aunt wendy. she has continually supported any creative endeavors i might choose. she constantly gives me inspiration for new projects and courage to branch out to experiment with new ideas.

i'd also like to thank my grandma. if anyone else in this world has taught me its never too late to try something new, its this dynamic woman. she has traveled the world, nursed people to health, help people to find comfort in their last days, tap dances, doesnt drive at night, has learned how to use email, and jumped out of an airplane for her 80th birthday. If you don't believe me, feel free to click on the airplane link and watch the video. This actually deserves another photo... yeah, we all did it too.

Furthermore, i would like to thank the following people for being my friends. i know that it is not always an easy job and i commend your dedication and commitment to the cause that is me. First and foremost is Nicole. She has been my confidant for more than 10 years. In dog years, she's been my friend for, like, 70 years or something like that. that is a long ass time. not that any of my friends have had an easy row to hoe, but this lady has seen it all. and still wants to talk to me! my way of thanking her for everything is with laughter. nicole, i will now, and for always, throw farts in your general direction.

this guy to the right... well... just look! how could i not include him in my acceptance speech? viva la slopveds!

And these two fan-fucking-tastic vagina-toters are Sarah and Megan. (sarah's on the left, megan on the right...):
I could not ask for 2 better friends. Sarah will always, always listen when i need to blabber on and on about whatever and Megan always gives me her leftover chips. plus, we all love cats. and cute shoes. and coffee. oh! and wine! we love wine too! really, i could go on and on...

This is stephanie. i like to think of her as my exotic friend... she lives in argentina and is pretty much my hero. she will get her very own post one of these days. she likes to make stuff, and she knows exactly how to take whatever is going on in my head and put it into the most precise words better than anyone else i know.

also, i'd like to thank my cats, white one, wombat and sleepbuddy, for keeping warm on so many cold nights. we think sleepbuddy is going to die soon. shes really old and it makes us sad.

i'd like to thank my hamster, veto, for being a great little spazzoid. he has made me giggle on numerous occasions, and for this he should be recognized... as far as the furry friends category goes, i'd like to wrap up by saying thanks to my dog, linus. everyday is a lesson in patience, compassion and understanding. by helping you to be a happier dog, i am learning how to be a better human.

and last, but by no means least, i'd like to thank this man. his name is erick. he picks up after me, cooks me dinner, makes me laugh, is both my big and little spoon, is the non-biological father of my non-biological dog baby, deals with my moodswings, calms me when i'm anxious, hugs me when i'm sad, does his best to make sure i have everything i need, netflixes movies for me, holds my hand, wears matching halloween costumes with me... not only does he do all this an more, i dont even have to ask! he does it because he wants to. and even though we live together and he has to deal with my moodiness on a daily basis, he still chooses to be around me! that deserves an award in and of itself... best supporting actor? thank you for showing me that practice makes perfect. i love you.


so, thank you all. i love you and am greatful to have every single one of you in my life. without you, and all of the individual things you bring to my life, i have no idea where i'd be. you make this possible. i am bonded to you by blood and by heart. if there is anyone i left out, i'm sorry. it was by no means intentional. if you are one of those who cares about the oscar's, enjoy the show. i hope your faves win.

saturday mornings

morning all! its almost 11 on a saturday morning and instead of watching cartoons, as we all did as a kid- plus, new cartoons suck- i spent my morning cleaning up dog pee and drinking coffee. soooo glad it wasnt the other way around. i love saturdays. mostly because it means no work for me. today's agenda, for those of you who are wondering and for those of you who could give two shits is: go to fedex and pick up my new phone that was SUPPOSED to be delivered to my work yesterday but wasnt. i need to go to the post office and to get mah nails did. i'm having lunch with my LOL friend annette. i also need to find a trashcan with a lid so the dog doesnt eat gross shit out of it. also, when we put him in timeout, i dont feel like putting the garbage in the sink anymore. this has also become a chore- the time out thing- because now hes big enough to jump in the bathtub and likes to rip up the bath mat thingy (the one that helps you not to slip and crack your head open. i think he likes the noise of all the suction cups giving way... that little suck-pop sound.) and now that he has something fun to play with, its almost not like time out. also, last night erick and i gave him peanut butter. and for those of you who dont know, this is THE BEST part of having a dog. seriously.

hmmmmm. what else. this is my new fave blog. i laugh my ass off daily thanks to the ineptitude of cake decorators everywhere and the wonderful lady who decided to chronicle this ineptitude.

i was hoping to get into a teaching program and didnt. which means im at the food whole a little longer NOT making a postive difference in anyone's life.

oh man. this is boring. im boring myself. this is my life? really? talking about dog timeout and trashcans? i need a new hobby. i also need a new bed, new tires, a new pair of shoes, a detail job on my car. additionally, i could use a million bucks, a dog nanny, a house with a yard, a sewing machine, a private office to paint in and make shit in (crafty type things... not "shit" as in fecal matter.) also, a vacation. thats about it.

those magic moments...

update. the vet wasnt bad at all. that being said... this is my dog, linus.



we had a trainer come over on sunday and it was nothing short of amazing. for all of you who may have an unruly puppy, or any dog for that matter, i cannot recommend this woman more highly: http://www.ebdoglistener.com/index.html

fun things to do today.

morning, and happy valentine's day my loves. this is what i'm about to do for the next 3 hours or so... taking my dog to the vet. wish me luck. its about as pleasurable as gouging my tonsils out with a rusted fork.

i hate this morning. but i dont hate this picture.

one of my favorite people ever took this picture. her name is sarah. she took me out to breakfast on my birthday and we chatted about gremlins, drank coffee and ate smoked gouda omelettes... well, i did. she can't eat dairy. anyway, it was the perfect way to start of a near-perfect birthday. she picked me up and gave me flowers because she is a lovely person. AND she bought me breakfast. i love her. really.

i think i've been really lucky. i was thinking about how this was one of the best birthdays ever, and then i realized how almost every birthday i've ever had has been awesome. there was the year with the surprise party that everyone was in on, including my hairdresser. then there was the year that someone flew my sister in from san diego as a birthday surprise. when i was turning 13 maybe... maybe 14... my parents surprised me -again, all my friends knew- with a limo for my birthday. for a 13/14 year old girl, this is amazing. i just walked outside after school and there it was, with a big "happy birthday" banner, and it took me and my posse around town, to the pizza place we all looooooved, probably some other places that i don't remember... sure, i've had some crappy birthdays, as we all have, but i would have to say that the majority have been wonderful. and for those of you who don't know, my birthday is my favorite day of the year. the reason for this, aside from the obvious points of being showered with attention and gifts all day long, is that i have 7 sisters. and i am right smack dab in the middle. so its easy for things to be forgotten or overlooked just because there are so many of us. my birthday is the only day that is just for me. i don't have to share that with anyone. in fact, no one else even has a birthday in september. 3 of my sisters have to share the month of october. 2 of them have to share the same day, and they arent twins.

anyhow, i love my birthday. i love getting the birthday phonecalls, cards, hugs, love and the like from all my friends and family. this year was the first time, though, that i actually decided to get in on the action myself. yes, i participated in the showering of gifts and love to myself! if you've never done this before, you should. its actually a lot more awesome then it sounds. send yourself a birthday card. in the mail. whats particularly rad about this is that by the time you receive it you've forgotten that you sent it and it makes you giggle a little. part two to this is that the older you get, the less cards you tend to receive in the mail for whatever reason... this is assurance that you will receive at least one card in the mail. give yourself the birthday present of not making concrete plans, and go where the day takes you. take a camera when you do this. eat every meal with a different friend, or friends. doll yourself up. get drunk on sangria by 2. buy yourself a gift. in my case, i treated myself to jewelry from tiffany's and lacy underwear. make sure at least ONE person sings you happy birthday, and make sure that you blow out at least ONE candle. if necessary, carry it with you just in case everyone else overlooked this critical element. how the hell are you supposed to make a wish if you don't have a candle to blow out?!? and while it seems a little pathetic, maybe, to bring your own birthday candle, i look at it more as being prepared. know how i know this? because i was NOT prepared this time, and we had to use a table candle for the wish-making extravaganza. it worked fine, but didnt really fit on the cupcake. i wish i could tell you that my wish came true, but i honestly have no idea what i wished for. my life is pretty complete, so i'm not sure what i could've even asked for without being greedy. maybe i wished for a pony.

teeth.

i have been told that when i say certain words, my tongue just barely presses against the back of my front teeth. yes, someone was at one time enamored with me enough to notice this... some might call this love; my dentist would call this a "tongue thrust." yes, that is a real term from the world of dentistry. if you don't believe me, check it out here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tongue_thrust.
anyway, it was worse when i was little. so bad, in fact, that it caused me to have buck teeth. my teeth never got too gnarly though, as they were able to be corrected with a retainer and i never needed braces. (sidenote: when i was a kid and all my friends had braces, i really wanted them. i thought they looked awesome. i thought i would really be able to pull them off in a stylish-like manner. not to mention, you could have different color rubberbands that you could alternate in and out to coordinate with your outfits. this was before retainers could be made to look like watermelons and ladybugs. even then, though, you don't see that because its pressed up against the roof of your mouth. there is nothing about that that is stylish AND accessorizable- not the way rubberbands were. imagine matching your brace rubberbands to the different levels of scrunchie socks you were wearing. genious.) anyhoo, my tongue issue needed to be corrected with a retainer that had these little prong things that stuck out of the roof from the bottom of the retainer, basically a gate to keep my tongue away from my teeth. kind of like a love story... guy from the wrong side of the tracks can't pursue his true love because of the overinvolved dad of the rich girl... like romeo and juliet, or pretty in pink... on more than one occasion, those prongs actually punctured my tongue. honestly, i really tried to find a picture of one of these things so you could see this contraption but to no avail. eventually, i threw the thing away. on accident. i did this three times, actually. i would tuck it in my lunch bag so my friends didnt have to look at this gross retainer/torture device while we were eating our pb&j's and chips and whatnot. then i would forgot all about it, throw my lunchbag into the dumpster on the way out to the playground and about four minutes later come running back in to the lunch area, frantic, and ask the lunch-yard-duty-lady to please help me find it. (my orthodontist told me that if i lost it, i would have to go there on the weekends and sweep the parking lot to pay for a new one. i believed him.) keep in mind, my mom never got me fancy lunch bags. just the standard, yet classic, brown paper variety, and i would expect this woman to dig through an entire elementary school's worth of brown lunch bags and half-eaten lunch remains to find my retainer. and bless her soul, she did. twice. the third time i don't think i thought about my retainer until i got home from school, which of course was too late. i still had the case for it though- a little green turtle. i don't know why i remember this. i don't even know what made me think about my teeth or retainer in the first place. i never did have to go back and sweep the parking lot. i also never needed another retainer. i guess it had done its job and there was no need to stay. i'm also glad that i never needed braces, because i get to be that ONE person in a group of my peers who gets to say "i never had braces" when everyone else has. this conversation, for whatever reason, will always come up eventually within any given group of friends/coworkers/whatever... and i get to be the "lucky" one. so there.

this is what i look like when i eat. and i almost always wear cocktail dresses, diamonds and tiaras while consuming my meals.

"releve"

literally, means "lifted."

i cannot imagine a word more appropriate to describe my life right now than this. in ballet, to releve means to stand on your tip toes. to hold this position for any length of time takes an incredible amount of strength and will. it is this stance that i feel the most centered and the most powerful. it is in this position that i make a commitment to myself to stay focused and to stay balanced for as long as i possibly think i can, and then i do it for a little bit longer.it is in this position i make a vow to do the things that, at first thought, may seem scary or impossible. it is in this position that i am finding a way to walk through life in. my only regret is not finding this sooner. figuratively and literally.

for your reading pleasure.

because i think i am fascinating and that the world wants to hear everything i have to say... i present to you, my faithful readers, my blog. starting now, everything you've ever wanted to know but never thought to ask is at your disposal.