Sunday, March 15, 2009

so sad

today my puppy's one and only friend of the canine variety had to be put to sleep. this was my aunt's dog. no one even knew she was sick. in fact, just last night the two of them played together. linus followed burly around, burly was just all, "leave me alone little one..." and today she's gone. everyone is really sad about this.

i guess the point is, it couldve been any of us... family, friends, pets. you never know how much time you have with those you love. so please, take a minute and hug your pets, and take another minute to tell the people you love that you love them and let them know how much every day with them means to you. m, n, s, m, s, d, j, g, m, s, e, e, w, d... all you guys. i love you and you mean the world to me.

Friday, March 13, 2009

smells like poo

so.....
first things first. let me make one thing clear: i DO NOT like irish soda bread. i think it is pretty disgusting.

secondly, i had a pretty horrific realization the other day. i was going around the backyard picking up the million piles of my dog's shit, not really thinking anything of it, other than "i hope i don't get anything under my nails again." this has happened once or twice before- getting dog poop under my nails- and the first time i almost vomited from the gross factor. second time, not so bad, but regardless, still nothing i enjoy. especially since i keep my nails pretty perfectly manicured, no matter how broke i am. anyhoo, i'm on my lunch break and out back picking up all these cute little piles of puppy poop, some that look like hearts (don't judge me): and i notice a really big pile. i remember thinking, "holy crap, linus, thats a lotta poo." so i pick it up, whatever... then LATER, i'm like, oh my god. there is no way that poo came from my dog. it must have come from some stray dog that got into my yard and instead of picking up puppy poo, i had handled unknown mangy dog poop. some of you may be thinking dog poo is dog poo, but its not. when its your own dog's its ok. but when its another dog's its just gross. like wiping your ass. wiping your own ass is fine, but (and i've never done this) wiping someone else's? not so much. then, being the nervous mama that i am, became really concerned that my under-vaccinated puppy may have come into contact, via poo because thats how they get it, with distemper or parvo or whatever other dog diseases are out there, and is now going to get sick and die. seriously, i get really nervous about this. i can't tell you how many times he's hiccupped, or was sleepy, or the ONE TIME he puked and i was all, "do you think he has parvo? do you think he has parvo?" someone got me really worried about this and it just kind of stuck. so back to the poo. gross. i picked up stray dog shit. then maaaayybbe a day, two days later i get hit with an even worse thought. that maybe it wasnt dog poo at all. that maybe this pile of shit i picked up was, in fact, human-man-poo. do you have any idea how disturbing this is? that i very may well have picked up feces from a human's ass? IN MY OWN BACKYARD?!? if i lived in the suburbs, this thought would probably never have crossed my mind. but i don't. i live in the ghetto. and at any given time on my street, you can bare witness to a real, live crackhead. maybe if you're lucky, a whole crew. and you know what crackheads do? they shit. anywhere. there is no discretion involved (although commendable to shit in someone's backyard given that there is privacy more or less). i've never done crack, but this is what i understand: that when you have to shit you have to shit. point being, that while i was trying to be a good, courteous neighbor by cleaning up my dog's poo, that i may have actually picked up some disease-ridden, crack-ladden, human. shit. and now i am going to die from e-bola or e-coli or salmonella or whatever. nice to know ya.
on a lighter note, i heard something really sweet today. my roommate has been home sick for the last few days, so she can tell me if my dog barks or whatever during the day because she's been here. so i walk in the door today and she says "i knew you would be home soon." i ask, "really? why?" and this is the sweet part: apparently, my dog knows when i will be home soon because he starts barking about five minutes before i get in the door. just to make sure i asked if he barks during the day, and she said "nope! only a few minutes before you get home." i don't know why i thought this was the sweetest thing, but i did. the strange part is that i don't always come home at the same time... maybe i work late, have some errands to run, come home early... but she says for the last week since she's been home, that about five minutes before i even walk through the door, he knows i will be home soon. i think that's amazing. like, fuck! how does he know? either way, its nice to know there's a reason to come home.
one more thing about the dog, and then i'll move on to bigger and more important topics like mashed potatos and being sold into guatemaulan slavery for a few thousand bucks... and as always, a little life lesson. tomorrow may very well be the first day of the rest of my life. i have been looking forward to this day for, oh, i dunno, six weeks? seven? my dog can finally. go. outside. i've talked to several people who raised puppies about this and they all said the same thing, that the day it was safe to take their dogs outside was one of the best days ever and how the first eight weeks are so emotionally taxing, for both you and the dog, because you are so confined. its kind of like being on house arrest AND having a curfew. i think i have been a bigger jerk in the last few weeks than i have ever been in my life. like, i can go to work, and he and i can go in the backyard, and sure, i can go out for a few hours, but then its back to the house and back to the kitchen. and i feel so guilty for leaving him in a crate for 8 hours a day while i'm at work, that on week nights, i don't want to go out because i feel i owe him that much, that i should be able to give him from the time i get home from work until the time i go to bed to run and play and stretch. but tomorrow, that all changes. i'm free. there are several bars in the immediate vicinity that allow dogs to come inside and keep you company while you're boozin' it up. there are also a few coffee shops with patios that i can take him to. i can take him to the lake and around the block and to the beach and to the park and wherever. if we walk around lake merritt, and thats about 2.5 miles, i dont have to feel guilty about going out because he was able to get exercise and burn off some of that energy. i cannot tell you how hard the last two months have been, and i'm so glad its over. for the most part, i prefer to be at home. i'd take a night of lounging around eating pizza over partying it up almost any day of the week. but i like having the choice, you know? before, it was my choice to stay in or go out, and now its kind of like the dog's choice. its like having a baby. if i dont have a sitter, i can't go. or if i do go, i have to calculate how long i can be gone so that he doesnt end up pissing in his crate and having to lay around in his own pee. i'm finally at a place where i don't regret my decision to bring linus home and make him part of my family (i'll be honest with you, there were a few times i stopped and asked myself WTF?), but i am so grateful that now i actually get to "have a dog" and do all the things that people with dogs do, and go back to being my cheerful, pleasant self. it feels like i've been waiting for this day for.ev.er. hallelujah. what this means to you all, all my friends and family and strangers who may stumble across this blog, is that it isnt going to be as thorough and entertaining or as frequently updated as it has been because now i have better things to do with my time than sit in my kitchen in front of my computer. there are lakes to be walked and pints to be swallowed. perhaps this is why this one is so long... that this is my last night uninterrupted in the blogosphere. there will be more, i assure you, as i have a million random and pointless things to write about, but that they will be fewer and farther between. if they arent, i really need someone to show up at my door and drag me out for a night on the town. i dont want to waste all my pretty years in front of my laptop.
ok, i know i promised grandious stories of mashed potatos and guatemalan slavery and life lessons, but i'm bored. maybe i'll do that tomorrow while drinking my morning coffee and before the dog and i have our first real adventure. wish us luck... its a jungle out there.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

quote of the day, and it isnt mine:

“I am confused enough about why the onslaught of hormones every month, like clockwork, still takes me by surprise (the next day when she gets her period, I’m like, Oh! We got into a fight because she was hormonal!), but why does that fact take her by surprise? Shouldn’t she kind of realize it and be like, ‘Don’t listen to me—I’m hormonal’?”

this, and 10 other things guys don't understand about women, can be found here.

addendum

i feel i need to clarify something. the post about back hair and chest hair and whatnot? it was NOTHING like this:

sunny... when you say "long hair, hard body" is it anything like this???

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

something for all the ladies...

what. the fuck. is this?

oh yes. its a cake. of a man's torso. an oddly shaped, ill-proportioned, lumpy-as-hell man torso. and its what i'm getting for every single one of my lady friends for their birthdays... this year, next year, pretty much for the rest of their lives... i'm not even sure what occasion would require such a hunka- hunka burnin love type of cake, but whatever. i'm going to learn how to make it and you all will be receiving one. any of you pastry afficianados care to wager a guess as to what sort of occasion this could pertain to? its so weird. i think my favorite part are the pepperoni-like nipples on what look far more like female breasts than man-pecs.

so, i promised something for all the ladies, and megan, while you are included in the aformentioned promise (it'll be vegan), this is especially for you, because you and i both know how much you and i love this movie. now we can watch it about 1,440 times in. one. day.




and holy crap. my dog is getting huge. picture on the left? the night before i brought him home. picture on the right? how big he's grown in just a few weeks.

















Tuesday, March 10, 2009

anyone???

does anyone know of a good dog-sitter or kennel or boarding facility? im trying to get away for the weekend, and cant take linus with me. i need someone i can trust to watch him. preferably someone he knows, but if it has to be a stranger, i want it to be a good stranger. someone who i would trust my first born to. someone that will be like a dad to him, even for just a few days. someone that will feed him and play with him and give him the attention he needs. any suggestions?

badge of honor and a purple heart

i have two doggy dates set up for this week and next, which should be really fun for linus to have other dogs to play with. its going to be interesting for me, being that we've never been out of the backyard really. wish me luck! its great to have friends that have dogs, though. they understand. my fish was sick, but is slowly returning to health. last night was my second night on point (i dont know why i havent written about this yet...) and it went really well. my legs are actually pretty damn strong. my arms should be stronger, so the next time i get in a bar fight and decide to punch someone, i can actually do some damage.

quick word about apologies. they are supposed to make things better, but they don't. im never doing anything again that i may have to apologize for later. or im going to try REALLY hard not to. it shouldnt be that bad... last time i had some serious issues i worked through those with flying colors, so not being a jerk should be pretty easy. i really just need to think before i speak. whoever made that up is a genious. also, i need to not talk to ANYONE when i've been drinking. this just results in ridiculousness.

some things i would like to have:
a time machine
a pony
a clean car
a well behaved dog
a sugar daddy (not really, but the idea is appealing.)
a new computer
a big brother to kick people's asses

i also realized something really bizarre today. people always ask "why do you love me..." or "how do you know you love me.?" i've always given this pretty standard answers. never unsincere, but standard. you know, you make me laugh, you make me happy, when i'm with you i feel fantastic, your hand fits perfectly in mine, etc... explaining love is hard to do... i don't know that i've ever had an a-ha moment about when i knew i loved someone, or one of those moments where you knew "this was it." someone had one about me, and i'll never forget it. we were in my living room, and i was standing in the doorway in my pajamas. i did something silly, he smiled and i asked him why he was smiling and he said, "well, that was the moment. it was that (thing you just did) that made me realize that i want to spend the rest of my life with you." maybe his a-ha moment was mine, too. but love has always just kinda crept up on me, usually when i'm underprepared and looking the other way. one day i wasnt in it, the next day i was buried six feet under it. when i love you, i will love you forever. i will wear "being in love" like a badge of honor and will never shy away from letting the world know. but like i said, today i realized something bizarre. something that had just slipped right past me, without eliciting a second glance. but now i realize that i did have an a-ha moment, it just wasnt in my face. it was back hair.

this all came up in a conversation with my sister today. my whole life, i thought back hair, chest hair, hairy necks, etc were absolutley disgusting. i never wanted to have anything to do with any hairy guy. it freaked me out, i wouldnt touch it, and would avert my eyes from looking at it. seriously. it creeped me out. i have actually NOT dated guys because of this. so its funny when you step back and look at things. sure, having someone's hand feel so soft and perfect in your hand is amazing... theres nothing like it. and finding someone to sleep next to who fits around your body like perfect science is irreplaceable. lord knows i've spent many a night trying to get comfortable next to someone who i was never going to be comfortable next to. but its the things you never thought would EVER happen that are the real eye-openers... like, when you go "fuck! i really love this person." like sticking your belly out all fat without the fear of being judged. or being able to pass someone the butter before they even ask. or still wanting to put make-up on to look nice for them when you go out even after the honeymoon period has subsided. or not giving a shit (no pun intended) whether or not the toilet seat is up or down. or when the thought of sharing a toothbrush doesnt gross you out. or rushing into the house from your car because you cant wait to say hello. or buying the expensive pasta sauce even if you hate spending the money because you know they hate the cheap shit. its things like this. and even more, its not even noticing you do those things because your lives just work like this. your lives become a 3-legged race that you're winning because you are so in sync. every movement is an extension of the previous one. in fact, it becomes harder and harder to NOT do these things as a team because it feels so natural to do it together. its when you take a step back and look at your relationship and think, "oh my god. this is better than ANY love story i'd pay $12 bucks to see in a movie theater." and its real. its not a script and there are no actors. its just you and that other person giving it everything you've got for whatever time you've got, and learning what each other needs because you cant figure it all out at once. and its about back hair. (yeah... i came back to it...) at one point this was the biggest turn OFF for me(insert squinty face here). then one day, i was so in love with someone that it didnt matter anymore. i didnt notice it. i didnt secretly wish to nair it off in the middle of the night or beg him to let me shave it. i didnt offer him a gift certificate to a salon to have it waxed. (let me interject here: this wasnt, like, use-a-lawn-mower-to-get-through-it kind of back hair. it was minimal. but even that, at one point, was too much for me...) because i was in love with him, i loved every folicle, pore, wrinkle and gray hair. if he had toe hair or knuckle hair, i would love that too. and every night, i would press my face against his back as we fell asleep, never thinking any thing other than how much i loved this person... holding you we make two spoons beneath an April moon... does this mean that now hairy men are back in the game? no. thats the point. it wasnt one person making way for hairy guys everywhere, it was this one person specifically and how perfect i thought he was regardless of how much or how little hair he had.

i know i've bitched and moaned about having a terrible relationship history, but when i get down to it and am honest about it, i've been very lucky in love. i've had more great times than bad, and i'd rather have it all- good and bad- than to not have anything at all. i have loved and been loved, and i know that not everyone can say that. in fact, i have been loved by some of the greatest people i know. how lucky can you be? its one thing to love someone, but to have them love you back? and to think they are one of the greatest people you know? wow. incredible. this is what keeps me going through the day sometimes. the thought that there are STILL people out there who love me, some who will tell me without any reservation or any expectation for me to love them back, makes me need to catch my breath a little. i can be really good at loving. but i am not good at fighting, and i have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable. relationships are fragile things, and what generally happens is that i will walk ever so carefully across an entire room holding my relationship in my hands, protecting it with every breath, wearing gloves as to not smudge it, only to trip on the threshold of something so wonderful, so fantastic, so life-altering and i drop it. and it cracks like a fucking egg. maybe i've been too careful. maybe its time for the gloves to come off. love is for experiencing, not for keeping on display in a safe case like an autographed baseball or rare artifact. its like the quilt my great-grandmother made for me. it was presented to me on my 21st birthday, and i was afraid to touch it. i said i was going to fold it up and put it in a safe place so it never got stained or damaged, since so much time and care went into it. this is what my grandmother told me after i said that: "don't be silly. she made it for you to use. enjoy it." and now its stained, and worn, and some of the stitching is coming undone, and it has become my favorite blanket and it still gets the job done. so this is what i plan to do with love: wrap it around me. let it keep me warm and enjoy its warmth. if it gets a little worn or stained, and is no longer perfect, it will still be ok because every imperfection tells a story, and if it gets a stain, or two or 70, i probably still wont need a new one.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

a note from linus:

i got vaccinated today!!!


i'm not sure what that means, exactly, other than that in about a week, i can go anywhere i want to! This makes me so happy. I know it also makes my mom really happy, because she's been having a really hard time. She gets a little stir-crazy never getting to leave her kitchen, and it makes her a little grouchy and stressed sometimes. now we get to explore the world, not to mention a few local bars, together! i'm really excited to go visit my grandpa. he lives on 10 acres and i can just run and run and run. i've also heard that there are sheep at his house that i get to chase. this will be fun for me because i am part cattle dog, but never get to herd anything!!! my mom said i did such a good job at the vet today. i sat so still all morning! it was hard, but i did it. i just chewed on my stick and watched all the other dogs play. mom says that next time, i get to play too and that it just wasnt quite safe enough for me to play today. she looked like she was going to cry a little, and i'm not sure exactly why, but i think i have a pretty good idea... cuz i get sad too sometimes. i miss having my dad around all the time. he's the best guy ever. he would roll around on the floor with me, and feed me peanut butter, and wake up at 3 in the morning with me so i could pee and so that mom could sleep. she really likes sleeping. probably even more than i like my stick. oh, also! the vet lady said i weigh 15 lbs, 13 ounces. thats almost 16 whole pounds! when i first came home, i only weighed a little over 4 pounds so im growing really fast... everyone keeps telling me how big i'm going to be. they also tell me how much they love my ears. i have to agree with them. i think my ears are my best feature, but i try to stay humble. ok world! naptime! i'll see you all next week!



Saturday, March 7, 2009

first time for everything

look, i know i already posted today, but this is sooooo worth the additional post. this is my first time giving a dog a bath- ever- and the first time linus has had a bath. i think we both did really well, actually.


ok... this video isnt loading well... you can also watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvyGrnqtoA8

life is like a bacon cheeseburger...

sometimes thats what you order, but when its put on the plate in front of you it kind of makes you sick. that being said, lately my life has been a series of bacon cheeseburgers. literally and figuratively. after waffling back and forth between the bacon cheeseburger and the baja burger at barney's last night, i opted for the former. what it was was gross. where it was lacking in toppings such as tomatos and pickles, was certainly made up for with enormous mounds of bacon. too much bacon. and you know what? the baja burger was my first choice and i blew it. what i've learned from this experience is to always go with your first choice. the baja would have made my life better.

also on the menu of crappy entrees is losing twenty bucks between the ATM and Barney's. Its a matter of like, a block and a half. But when I opened my wallet and it wasnt there, i was like, "of course its not... why would it be?" with the way things are going i will be surprised if i dont get hit by a bus tomorrow. it would just make sense. my dog sloshed around in his poop again today, which is awesome. especially when he decided to wake up at 5:59 am. which, as my dad informed me today, is the same time bill murray wakes up every morning in the movie groundhog day. he rolls over, looks at his clock at 5:59, just before the number rolls over to 6 and sonny and cher come on the radio. my life is groundhog day. oh. my. god. but remember what happens in groundhog day? he keeps blowing it and blowing it and thats what keeps him stuck in the same day. BUT he finally gets it right (with andie macdowell, i believe). its a love story. so, he finally gets it right... maybe tells her he loves her? i dont remember exactly, but whatever it is he finally gets it right and he gets to start a new day. i do NOT want to keep making the same mistakes. i want to learn from them and get it right, so that i dont keep waking up every day to "i got you babe." i love that song and all, but that would be hell. i also think he knew all along what he needed to do, but was too stubborn to do it. then he gives up control.

maybe that is what life is really about... we spend so much of it trying to gain and maintain control, but maybe its really about just letting it go. i know that from past experiences, the less control need, the happier i am because i just get to go with the flow. i think its often when i try to gain control that shit falls apart. i'm not saying to give up control completely and let someone run your life for you, but that being out of a place of control isnt always necessarily a terrible thing. fuck. i'm not sure that this is coming out the way its supposed to. its like, when people feel out of control, or need to control something, it generally ends in an unhealthy manner. for example, it is scientifically documented that most people that suffer from eating disorders do it out of a need to gain control. food and weight are the only things they feel they have control over, and it gives them something they might not otherwise have. but here's the problem: one, its unhealthy to weigh, like, nothing. two, if that strong drive for power or feeling out of control wasnt so inherent, they'd eat. another example, people often get violent or aggressive when they feel out of control of a situation. again, this never ends well. i'm afraid of flying because i feel so out of control... like, if the plane is going down, there is nothing i can do, but i want so desperately to save that plane and everyone on board, even when i know i can't. maybe if i was a superhero, and megan sometimes thinks i am, but alas, i am not. if i just gave up that need to have control, i'd be able to fly wherever i wanted and do it without tears streaming down my face and clenched jaws. it would be so much easier to just be like, well, if my plane goes down theres nothing i can do about it, and thats a bummer, but whatareyagonnado... i've always had a hard time being in these situations. i like to fix things. so when things are broken or in disrepair, i want to fix it. and when i cant, thats when i feel out of control. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that if you feel out of control, so what. its not a big deal. not to mention, its a lot of responsibility to be in control all the time. its like my puppy, linus. he gets anxious and aggressive when he feels he has to be in charge, because thats not his job and he isnt equipped to handle it. so it stresses him out. what we learned from the trainer is to basically take that responsibility away from him so he can just relax and be a puppy. this is my goal. maybe i'm trying to live like an alpha all the time, when there is really someone who is more equipped for the job. again, i'm not saying i'm just going to roll over and let the world have its way with me, but if you want pasta for dinner and i dont, but i dont know what i'd rather have so i get wound up about dinner, and all it really is is dinner, then maybe i should just eat the pasta. big fucking deal. it really wont matter tomorrow or next week or next year. you dont want to see this movie, and i do? ok. lets see what you want to see. it isnt a big deal, and certainly not worth throwing a tantrum over. see where this is going?

however, while we are on the topic of eating disorders and weight loss, i have now lost approximatelly 16 pounds in less than two weeks. i didnt even realize this was possible. seriously. but it is, and i'm living proof. so i decided it was time to be a grown up and buy some groceries, because swiss miss hot chocolate and a can of beets weren't cutting it. i didnt buy much to cook with, and i explained my disinterest in cooking for myself in the last blog, but i bought some food to snack on nonetheless. i also hate buying groceries because it just seems like such a waste of money. a new shirt or some fabulous new shoes, you can wear again and again. food, you only get to enjoy it once. you cook it up, chew it, swallow it, then shit it out. however, i will spend money on a nice meal that someone cooks for me, because i feel like i am paying more for the service rather than the actual food. i know, this doesnt make a whole lot of sense, and its stuff like this that drives people crazy, but i like to think of it more as, oh.... i dunno.... a quirk? what makes me great? one of those cute little things my friends and family will remember about me when i'm dead? hey, at least i'm not a collector. it could be so much worse, when you get down to it. so i have a weird thing about money. so what. and honestly, i'm getting better. although it is good for me to be with someone who really doesnt care about money. one of the best lessons i've learned from someone is, if you like it, just buy it. it seems so simple, yet its taken awhile for me to grasp. but i did just make a fantastic purchase, one that i could by no means afford, but did it anyway because i couldnt think of anything more enjoyable to have. so sure, i'm making progress on my weird little hang ups, thank you very much. i'm growing up.

so... to bring it back to where this all began- bacon cheeseburgers and how they apply to life- is this. i ordered the stupid shitty thing, and it made me gag while i was eating it, because thats what i ordered. (this also plays into why i have a hard time making decisions.) and part of life, and growing up, is eating whatever the fuck it is you decided to order. should i have gone with the usual? the classic? the go-to burger? yep. thats a given. but i didnt. i took a chance and got what i got and didnt like it very much. i could have, and maybe should have, played it safe and go with what i know. but thats not living. living is trying new things, and taking risks, and failing at some things and winning at others. but thats all part of it. you dont have to win all the time. in fact, winning all the time would be boring. i like someone who will challenge me, someone who will call me out on my bullshit. i think thats why the people in my life are so important to me, and why i have chosen them to be part of my life- because they will all do that. i think thats the best kind of friend/significant other- one that will call you out, who will tell you you are being ridiculous, and who will make you apologize when you've done something stupid. you never learn anything from a silver platter and sugar coating. how do you learn from your mistakes if someone who cares about you isnt there to point them out when maybe you are having a hard time seeing them? and who knows? i could've gotten the best thing ever when i ordered the bacon cheeseburger. i didnt, but i could have. but i would never know unless i try. so i took a chance, made a mistake, and learned from it. i will never order that bacon cheeseburger ever again. wait. never? actually, i might order it again because who knows, maybe the cook was having a crappy night and maybe next time it will be better. but would i go back to barney's? of course. i'm not writing off the whole damn restaurant because i made a shitty selection. i mean, look at rihanna and chris brown! he pretty much beat the shit out of her (not that i condone that) and now they're (according to celebrity gossip sources everywhere) MARRIED!!! i dont know how i feel about her going back to him because it was pretty brutal what he did to her face, and if he does it again i would hope she would take the first train to splitsville, but he must have made his apology pretty damn sincerely. so yeah, maybe rihanna ordered a shitty cheeseburger like me, but still went back to the restaurant. (sidenote: i am currently so impressed with my analogy making skills and i wish someone would pay me to do this.)

i know, i know... who gets all this from one burger? well, i do. and i also havent learned all of this from my burger. ive mentioned it before, and i feel totally fine mentioning it again, how much i have learned about my life from my dog. i've had him for six, maybe seven weeks, and have gained so much from the experience of raising a puppy. sometimes i get so mad and so frustrated with him. when i first got him, i would lose my mind. i would shout and cry and give up. at some points, i was downright afraid of him, not to mention completely out of my element as i never, ever had a dog. then, something happened. i got my head together. i realized that i would never have a good relationship with him, and that he would never respect me if i was a loose cannon. this is a lesson in composure, and has evolved into a lesson in trust. trust, like money, is one of those things i little hang ups with. as soon as he learned to trust me, i learned to trust him. i can now reach into his mouth if he is chewing on something without the fear of him biting me, and he will allow me to reach into his mouth to get whatever is in there out. in this small action, there is such an element of trust that goes both ways. this is also apparent when he lets me pet the back of his neck. for a dog, this is the most vulnerable place on his body. and he lets me pet him without flinching or tensing up. and i have to say, now that we are developing an understanding of each other, as well as a mutual respect and trust for each other, our relationship is strengthening. we are learning what we need from each other and a bond is being created that wont be broken. it is a process of trial and error. every once and a while, i may get short with him, and in turn, he gets snippy with me. so we take a few minutes apart, recollect ourselves, and come together again. its this process of trial and error that makes one of the best parts of my day sitting on the porch, smoking a cigarette, drinking a cup of coffee with linus sitting right next to me, looking at me from time to time to see what happens next. and you know what happens next? the next 12 or so years. if he lives for 12 years, he will continue to look to me to see what happens next until i am about 40. this is crazy to me, being 40 and still having linus by my side. its crazy to think that no matter what happens in my life, he will be here to greet me after work and to keep me company on my walks. its crazy to think that no matter how mad i may get at him, or exasperated, or even at times question my decision to get him and take on this responsibility, that in the end, every bark and every bite was worth it.

so, those are todays lessons: you can learn a lot about life from cheeseburgers and dogs, and maybe a sitcom or two. but i'll save that for another day.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

if you don't know, now you know...

havent written for a few days, so just a little check in.

1st, my dog's little lipstick weiner popped out for the first time today and it TOTALLY freaked me out. i can only imagine that this means he is not far off from humping inanimate objects, which i am totally not prepared to handle at this time. i didnt think this would start happening yet. the worst part is that we cant get him fixed for another two months... so im guessing that for the next two months, Linus' slimy little pink friend will be making random appearances at innappropriate times. also, weighed him tonight and he is a wopping 15.5 pounds. he isnt even 4 months yet. the dog that i got thinking was a beagle, and therefore would be relatively small, is going to be somewhere between 40 and 50 pounds as an adult. and he dug a gigantic whole in the bathroom wall that i dont know how to fix. awesome. i will spare you all the details of the morning poop-in-the-bath incident. currently, he is having one of his "puppy time" moments, aka spazz out time. this is where, out of nowhere, he starts bolting through the house, back and forth, at top speed, for no apparent reason at all. i love it when he does this because A) i think its hilarious and B) it means he will sleep well tonight. regardless of anything he does though, i love that little fucker.

2nd, i think i am going to write a book.

3rd, i've had a low-grade fever for the last 8 days. it feels crappy. i just get all hot and flushed, which then makes me cold and i have to pile on the jackets. i'm hoping this will go away soon. i've been drinking plenty of non-alcoholic, non-caffinated beverages and have getting plenty of sleep, so i'm hoping its just some weird thing that will end soon. i cannot even imagine what menopause must be like. i am so. tired.

4th, pretty much everything i own smells like dog pee. so attractive, i know. how i will ever get a date smelling like dog urine is beyond me. fuck dating anyways, i guess... i dont even think my boyfriend would want to date me smelling like dog pee.

5th, i've dropped approximately 13 pounds over the last week and a half, or so. mainly this is due to the fact that i never know what i want to eat, and rather than just picking something because i'm hungry, i pass. if nothing sounds good, i would much rather eat nothing than eat something i never really wanted in the first place. on this note, however, i must say that my "go-to" food is macaroni and cheese. if i am absolutely starving and i can't decide on anything, mac and cheese will usually do the trick. but i only get the kind i can microwave because i only like cooking for other people. its boring to cook for myself. i already know what a great cook i am, so there is no reason to impress myself. i find cooking a fabulous meal for someone to be one of the best gifts you can give. lately, the mac and cheese from walgreens has been somewhat disappointing. the price went up and it seems like there is an awful lot less cheese. will someone please cook me dinner? thanks.