badge of honor and a purple heart

i have two doggy dates set up for this week and next, which should be really fun for linus to have other dogs to play with. its going to be interesting for me, being that we've never been out of the backyard really. wish me luck! its great to have friends that have dogs, though. they understand. my fish was sick, but is slowly returning to health. last night was my second night on point (i dont know why i havent written about this yet...) and it went really well. my legs are actually pretty damn strong. my arms should be stronger, so the next time i get in a bar fight and decide to punch someone, i can actually do some damage.

quick word about apologies. they are supposed to make things better, but they don't. im never doing anything again that i may have to apologize for later. or im going to try REALLY hard not to. it shouldnt be that bad... last time i had some serious issues i worked through those with flying colors, so not being a jerk should be pretty easy. i really just need to think before i speak. whoever made that up is a genious. also, i need to not talk to ANYONE when i've been drinking. this just results in ridiculousness.

some things i would like to have:
a time machine
a pony
a clean car
a well behaved dog
a sugar daddy (not really, but the idea is appealing.)
a new computer
a big brother to kick people's asses

i also realized something really bizarre today. people always ask "why do you love me..." or "how do you know you love me.?" i've always given this pretty standard answers. never unsincere, but standard. you know, you make me laugh, you make me happy, when i'm with you i feel fantastic, your hand fits perfectly in mine, etc... explaining love is hard to do... i don't know that i've ever had an a-ha moment about when i knew i loved someone, or one of those moments where you knew "this was it." someone had one about me, and i'll never forget it. we were in my living room, and i was standing in the doorway in my pajamas. i did something silly, he smiled and i asked him why he was smiling and he said, "well, that was the moment. it was that (thing you just did) that made me realize that i want to spend the rest of my life with you." maybe his a-ha moment was mine, too. but love has always just kinda crept up on me, usually when i'm underprepared and looking the other way. one day i wasnt in it, the next day i was buried six feet under it. when i love you, i will love you forever. i will wear "being in love" like a badge of honor and will never shy away from letting the world know. but like i said, today i realized something bizarre. something that had just slipped right past me, without eliciting a second glance. but now i realize that i did have an a-ha moment, it just wasnt in my face. it was back hair.

this all came up in a conversation with my sister today. my whole life, i thought back hair, chest hair, hairy necks, etc were absolutley disgusting. i never wanted to have anything to do with any hairy guy. it freaked me out, i wouldnt touch it, and would avert my eyes from looking at it. seriously. it creeped me out. i have actually NOT dated guys because of this. so its funny when you step back and look at things. sure, having someone's hand feel so soft and perfect in your hand is amazing... theres nothing like it. and finding someone to sleep next to who fits around your body like perfect science is irreplaceable. lord knows i've spent many a night trying to get comfortable next to someone who i was never going to be comfortable next to. but its the things you never thought would EVER happen that are the real eye-openers... like, when you go "fuck! i really love this person." like sticking your belly out all fat without the fear of being judged. or being able to pass someone the butter before they even ask. or still wanting to put make-up on to look nice for them when you go out even after the honeymoon period has subsided. or not giving a shit (no pun intended) whether or not the toilet seat is up or down. or when the thought of sharing a toothbrush doesnt gross you out. or rushing into the house from your car because you cant wait to say hello. or buying the expensive pasta sauce even if you hate spending the money because you know they hate the cheap shit. its things like this. and even more, its not even noticing you do those things because your lives just work like this. your lives become a 3-legged race that you're winning because you are so in sync. every movement is an extension of the previous one. in fact, it becomes harder and harder to NOT do these things as a team because it feels so natural to do it together. its when you take a step back and look at your relationship and think, "oh my god. this is better than ANY love story i'd pay $12 bucks to see in a movie theater." and its real. its not a script and there are no actors. its just you and that other person giving it everything you've got for whatever time you've got, and learning what each other needs because you cant figure it all out at once. and its about back hair. (yeah... i came back to it...) at one point this was the biggest turn OFF for me(insert squinty face here). then one day, i was so in love with someone that it didnt matter anymore. i didnt notice it. i didnt secretly wish to nair it off in the middle of the night or beg him to let me shave it. i didnt offer him a gift certificate to a salon to have it waxed. (let me interject here: this wasnt, like, use-a-lawn-mower-to-get-through-it kind of back hair. it was minimal. but even that, at one point, was too much for me...) because i was in love with him, i loved every folicle, pore, wrinkle and gray hair. if he had toe hair or knuckle hair, i would love that too. and every night, i would press my face against his back as we fell asleep, never thinking any thing other than how much i loved this person... holding you we make two spoons beneath an April moon... does this mean that now hairy men are back in the game? no. thats the point. it wasnt one person making way for hairy guys everywhere, it was this one person specifically and how perfect i thought he was regardless of how much or how little hair he had.

i know i've bitched and moaned about having a terrible relationship history, but when i get down to it and am honest about it, i've been very lucky in love. i've had more great times than bad, and i'd rather have it all- good and bad- than to not have anything at all. i have loved and been loved, and i know that not everyone can say that. in fact, i have been loved by some of the greatest people i know. how lucky can you be? its one thing to love someone, but to have them love you back? and to think they are one of the greatest people you know? wow. incredible. this is what keeps me going through the day sometimes. the thought that there are STILL people out there who love me, some who will tell me without any reservation or any expectation for me to love them back, makes me need to catch my breath a little. i can be really good at loving. but i am not good at fighting, and i have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable. relationships are fragile things, and what generally happens is that i will walk ever so carefully across an entire room holding my relationship in my hands, protecting it with every breath, wearing gloves as to not smudge it, only to trip on the threshold of something so wonderful, so fantastic, so life-altering and i drop it. and it cracks like a fucking egg. maybe i've been too careful. maybe its time for the gloves to come off. love is for experiencing, not for keeping on display in a safe case like an autographed baseball or rare artifact. its like the quilt my great-grandmother made for me. it was presented to me on my 21st birthday, and i was afraid to touch it. i said i was going to fold it up and put it in a safe place so it never got stained or damaged, since so much time and care went into it. this is what my grandmother told me after i said that: "don't be silly. she made it for you to use. enjoy it." and now its stained, and worn, and some of the stitching is coming undone, and it has become my favorite blanket and it still gets the job done. so this is what i plan to do with love: wrap it around me. let it keep me warm and enjoy its warmth. if it gets a little worn or stained, and is no longer perfect, it will still be ok because every imperfection tells a story, and if it gets a stain, or two or 70, i probably still wont need a new one.