life is like a bacon cheeseburger...

sometimes thats what you order, but when its put on the plate in front of you it kind of makes you sick. that being said, lately my life has been a series of bacon cheeseburgers. literally and figuratively. after waffling back and forth between the bacon cheeseburger and the baja burger at barney's last night, i opted for the former. what it was was gross. where it was lacking in toppings such as tomatos and pickles, was certainly made up for with enormous mounds of bacon. too much bacon. and you know what? the baja burger was my first choice and i blew it. what i've learned from this experience is to always go with your first choice. the baja would have made my life better.

also on the menu of crappy entrees is losing twenty bucks between the ATM and Barney's. Its a matter of like, a block and a half. But when I opened my wallet and it wasnt there, i was like, "of course its not... why would it be?" with the way things are going i will be surprised if i dont get hit by a bus tomorrow. it would just make sense. my dog sloshed around in his poop again today, which is awesome. especially when he decided to wake up at 5:59 am. which, as my dad informed me today, is the same time bill murray wakes up every morning in the movie groundhog day. he rolls over, looks at his clock at 5:59, just before the number rolls over to 6 and sonny and cher come on the radio. my life is groundhog day. oh. my. god. but remember what happens in groundhog day? he keeps blowing it and blowing it and thats what keeps him stuck in the same day. BUT he finally gets it right (with andie macdowell, i believe). its a love story. so, he finally gets it right... maybe tells her he loves her? i dont remember exactly, but whatever it is he finally gets it right and he gets to start a new day. i do NOT want to keep making the same mistakes. i want to learn from them and get it right, so that i dont keep waking up every day to "i got you babe." i love that song and all, but that would be hell. i also think he knew all along what he needed to do, but was too stubborn to do it. then he gives up control.

maybe that is what life is really about... we spend so much of it trying to gain and maintain control, but maybe its really about just letting it go. i know that from past experiences, the less control need, the happier i am because i just get to go with the flow. i think its often when i try to gain control that shit falls apart. i'm not saying to give up control completely and let someone run your life for you, but that being out of a place of control isnt always necessarily a terrible thing. fuck. i'm not sure that this is coming out the way its supposed to. its like, when people feel out of control, or need to control something, it generally ends in an unhealthy manner. for example, it is scientifically documented that most people that suffer from eating disorders do it out of a need to gain control. food and weight are the only things they feel they have control over, and it gives them something they might not otherwise have. but here's the problem: one, its unhealthy to weigh, like, nothing. two, if that strong drive for power or feeling out of control wasnt so inherent, they'd eat. another example, people often get violent or aggressive when they feel out of control of a situation. again, this never ends well. i'm afraid of flying because i feel so out of control... like, if the plane is going down, there is nothing i can do, but i want so desperately to save that plane and everyone on board, even when i know i can't. maybe if i was a superhero, and megan sometimes thinks i am, but alas, i am not. if i just gave up that need to have control, i'd be able to fly wherever i wanted and do it without tears streaming down my face and clenched jaws. it would be so much easier to just be like, well, if my plane goes down theres nothing i can do about it, and thats a bummer, but whatareyagonnado... i've always had a hard time being in these situations. i like to fix things. so when things are broken or in disrepair, i want to fix it. and when i cant, thats when i feel out of control. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that if you feel out of control, so what. its not a big deal. not to mention, its a lot of responsibility to be in control all the time. its like my puppy, linus. he gets anxious and aggressive when he feels he has to be in charge, because thats not his job and he isnt equipped to handle it. so it stresses him out. what we learned from the trainer is to basically take that responsibility away from him so he can just relax and be a puppy. this is my goal. maybe i'm trying to live like an alpha all the time, when there is really someone who is more equipped for the job. again, i'm not saying i'm just going to roll over and let the world have its way with me, but if you want pasta for dinner and i dont, but i dont know what i'd rather have so i get wound up about dinner, and all it really is is dinner, then maybe i should just eat the pasta. big fucking deal. it really wont matter tomorrow or next week or next year. you dont want to see this movie, and i do? ok. lets see what you want to see. it isnt a big deal, and certainly not worth throwing a tantrum over. see where this is going?

however, while we are on the topic of eating disorders and weight loss, i have now lost approximatelly 16 pounds in less than two weeks. i didnt even realize this was possible. seriously. but it is, and i'm living proof. so i decided it was time to be a grown up and buy some groceries, because swiss miss hot chocolate and a can of beets weren't cutting it. i didnt buy much to cook with, and i explained my disinterest in cooking for myself in the last blog, but i bought some food to snack on nonetheless. i also hate buying groceries because it just seems like such a waste of money. a new shirt or some fabulous new shoes, you can wear again and again. food, you only get to enjoy it once. you cook it up, chew it, swallow it, then shit it out. however, i will spend money on a nice meal that someone cooks for me, because i feel like i am paying more for the service rather than the actual food. i know, this doesnt make a whole lot of sense, and its stuff like this that drives people crazy, but i like to think of it more as, oh.... i dunno.... a quirk? what makes me great? one of those cute little things my friends and family will remember about me when i'm dead? hey, at least i'm not a collector. it could be so much worse, when you get down to it. so i have a weird thing about money. so what. and honestly, i'm getting better. although it is good for me to be with someone who really doesnt care about money. one of the best lessons i've learned from someone is, if you like it, just buy it. it seems so simple, yet its taken awhile for me to grasp. but i did just make a fantastic purchase, one that i could by no means afford, but did it anyway because i couldnt think of anything more enjoyable to have. so sure, i'm making progress on my weird little hang ups, thank you very much. i'm growing up.

so... to bring it back to where this all began- bacon cheeseburgers and how they apply to life- is this. i ordered the stupid shitty thing, and it made me gag while i was eating it, because thats what i ordered. (this also plays into why i have a hard time making decisions.) and part of life, and growing up, is eating whatever the fuck it is you decided to order. should i have gone with the usual? the classic? the go-to burger? yep. thats a given. but i didnt. i took a chance and got what i got and didnt like it very much. i could have, and maybe should have, played it safe and go with what i know. but thats not living. living is trying new things, and taking risks, and failing at some things and winning at others. but thats all part of it. you dont have to win all the time. in fact, winning all the time would be boring. i like someone who will challenge me, someone who will call me out on my bullshit. i think thats why the people in my life are so important to me, and why i have chosen them to be part of my life- because they will all do that. i think thats the best kind of friend/significant other- one that will call you out, who will tell you you are being ridiculous, and who will make you apologize when you've done something stupid. you never learn anything from a silver platter and sugar coating. how do you learn from your mistakes if someone who cares about you isnt there to point them out when maybe you are having a hard time seeing them? and who knows? i could've gotten the best thing ever when i ordered the bacon cheeseburger. i didnt, but i could have. but i would never know unless i try. so i took a chance, made a mistake, and learned from it. i will never order that bacon cheeseburger ever again. wait. never? actually, i might order it again because who knows, maybe the cook was having a crappy night and maybe next time it will be better. but would i go back to barney's? of course. i'm not writing off the whole damn restaurant because i made a shitty selection. i mean, look at rihanna and chris brown! he pretty much beat the shit out of her (not that i condone that) and now they're (according to celebrity gossip sources everywhere) MARRIED!!! i dont know how i feel about her going back to him because it was pretty brutal what he did to her face, and if he does it again i would hope she would take the first train to splitsville, but he must have made his apology pretty damn sincerely. so yeah, maybe rihanna ordered a shitty cheeseburger like me, but still went back to the restaurant. (sidenote: i am currently so impressed with my analogy making skills and i wish someone would pay me to do this.)

i know, i know... who gets all this from one burger? well, i do. and i also havent learned all of this from my burger. ive mentioned it before, and i feel totally fine mentioning it again, how much i have learned about my life from my dog. i've had him for six, maybe seven weeks, and have gained so much from the experience of raising a puppy. sometimes i get so mad and so frustrated with him. when i first got him, i would lose my mind. i would shout and cry and give up. at some points, i was downright afraid of him, not to mention completely out of my element as i never, ever had a dog. then, something happened. i got my head together. i realized that i would never have a good relationship with him, and that he would never respect me if i was a loose cannon. this is a lesson in composure, and has evolved into a lesson in trust. trust, like money, is one of those things i little hang ups with. as soon as he learned to trust me, i learned to trust him. i can now reach into his mouth if he is chewing on something without the fear of him biting me, and he will allow me to reach into his mouth to get whatever is in there out. in this small action, there is such an element of trust that goes both ways. this is also apparent when he lets me pet the back of his neck. for a dog, this is the most vulnerable place on his body. and he lets me pet him without flinching or tensing up. and i have to say, now that we are developing an understanding of each other, as well as a mutual respect and trust for each other, our relationship is strengthening. we are learning what we need from each other and a bond is being created that wont be broken. it is a process of trial and error. every once and a while, i may get short with him, and in turn, he gets snippy with me. so we take a few minutes apart, recollect ourselves, and come together again. its this process of trial and error that makes one of the best parts of my day sitting on the porch, smoking a cigarette, drinking a cup of coffee with linus sitting right next to me, looking at me from time to time to see what happens next. and you know what happens next? the next 12 or so years. if he lives for 12 years, he will continue to look to me to see what happens next until i am about 40. this is crazy to me, being 40 and still having linus by my side. its crazy to think that no matter what happens in my life, he will be here to greet me after work and to keep me company on my walks. its crazy to think that no matter how mad i may get at him, or exasperated, or even at times question my decision to get him and take on this responsibility, that in the end, every bark and every bite was worth it.

so, those are todays lessons: you can learn a lot about life from cheeseburgers and dogs, and maybe a sitcom or two. but i'll save that for another day.