smells like poo

so.....

first things first. let me make one thing clear: i DO NOT like irish soda bread. i think it is pretty disgusting.

secondly, i had a pretty horrific realization the other day. i was going around the backyard picking up the million piles of my dog's shit, not really thinking anything of it, other than "i hope i don't get anything under my nails again." this has happened once or twice before- getting dog poop under my nails- and the first time i almost vomited from the gross factor. second time, not so bad, but regardless, still nothing i enjoy. especially since i keep my nails pretty perfectly manicured, no matter how broke i am. anyhoo, i'm on my lunch break and out back picking up all these cute little piles of puppy poop, some that look like hearts (don't judge me): and i notice a really big pile. i remember thinking, "holy crap, linus, thats a lotta poo." so i pick it up, whatever... then LATER, i'm like, oh my god. there is no way that poo came from my dog. it must have come from some stray dog that got into my yard and instead of picking up puppy poo, i had handled unknown mangy dog poop. some of you may be thinking dog poo is dog poo, but its not. when its your own dog's its ok. but when its another dog's its just gross. like wiping your ass. wiping your own ass is fine, but (and i've never done this) wiping someone else's? not so much. then, being the nervous mama that i am, became really concerned that my under-vaccinated puppy may have come into contact, via poo because thats how they get it, with distemper or parvo or whatever other dog diseases are out there, and is now going to get sick and die. seriously, i get really nervous about this. i can't tell you how many times he's hiccupped, or was sleepy, or the ONE TIME he puked and i was all, "do you think he has parvo? do you think he has parvo?" someone got me really worried about this and it just kind of stuck. so back to the poo. gross. i picked up stray dog shit. then maaaayybbe a day, two days later i get hit with an even worse thought. that maybe it wasnt dog poo at all. that maybe this pile of shit i picked up was, in fact, human-man-poo. do you have any idea how disturbing this is? that i very may well have picked up feces from a human's ass? IN MY OWN BACKYARD?!? if i lived in the suburbs, this thought would probably never have crossed my mind. but i don't. i live in the ghetto. and at any given time on my street, you can bare witness to a real, live crackhead. maybe if you're lucky, a whole crew. and you know what crackheads do? they shit. anywhere. there is no discretion involved (although commendable to shit in someone's backyard given that there is privacy more or less). i've never done crack, but this is what i understand: that when you have to shit you have to shit. point being, that while i was trying to be a good, courteous neighbor by cleaning up my dog's poo, that i may have actually picked up some disease-ridden, crack-ladden, human. shit. and now i am going to die from e-bola or e-coli or salmonella or whatever. nice to know ya.

on a lighter note, i heard something really sweet today. my roommate has been home sick for the last few days, so she can tell me if my dog barks or whatever during the day because she's been here. so i walk in the door today and she says "i knew you would be home soon." i ask, "really? why?" and this is the sweet part: apparently, my dog knows when i will be home soon because he starts barking about five minutes before i get in the door. just to make sure i asked if he barks during the day, and she said "nope! only a few minutes before you get home." i don't know why i thought this was the sweetest thing, but i did. the strange part is that i don't always come home at the same time... maybe i work late, have some errands to run, come home early... but she says for the last week since she's been home, that about five minutes before i even walk through the door, he knows i will be home soon. i think that's amazing. like, fuck! how does he know? either way, its nice to know there's a reason to come home.

one more thing about the dog, and then i'll move on to bigger and more important topics like mashed potatos and being sold into guatemaulan slavery for a few thousand bucks... and as always, a little life lesson. tomorrow may very well be the first day of the rest of my life. i have been looking forward to this day for, oh, i dunno, six weeks? seven? my dog can finally. go. outside. i've talked to several people who raised puppies about this and they all said the same thing, that the day it was safe to take their dogs outside was one of the best days ever and how the first eight weeks are so emotionally taxing, for both you and the dog, because you are so confined. its kind of like being on house arrest AND having a curfew. i think i have been a bigger jerk in the last few weeks than i have ever been in my life. like, i can go to work, and he and i can go in the backyard, and sure, i can go out for a few hours, but then its back to the house and back to the kitchen. and i feel so guilty for leaving him in a crate for 8 hours a day while i'm at work, that on week nights, i don't want to go out because i feel i owe him that much, that i should be able to give him from the time i get home from work until the time i go to bed to run and play and stretch. but tomorrow, that all changes. i'm free. there are several bars in the immediate vicinity that allow dogs to come inside and keep you company while you're boozin' it up. there are also a few coffee shops with patios that i can take him to. i can take him to the lake and around the block and to the beach and to the park and wherever. if we walk around lake merritt, and thats about 2.5 miles, i dont have to feel guilty about going out because he was able to get exercise and burn off some of that energy. i cannot tell you how hard the last two months have been, and i'm so glad its over. for the most part, i prefer to be at home. i'd take a night of lounging around eating pizza over partying it up almost any day of the week. but i like having the choice, you know? before, it was my choice to stay in or go out, and now its kind of like the dog's choice. its like having a baby. if i dont have a sitter, i can't go. or if i do go, i have to calculate how long i can be gone so that he doesnt end up pissing in his crate and having to lay around in his own pee. i'm finally at a place where i don't regret my decision to bring linus home and make him part of my family (i'll be honest with you, there were a few times i stopped and asked myself WTF?), but i am so grateful that now i actually get to "have a dog" and do all the things that people with dogs do, and go back to being my cheerful, pleasant self. it feels like i've been waiting for this day for.ev.er. hallelujah. what this means to you all, all my friends and family and strangers who may stumble across this blog, is that it isnt going to be as thorough and entertaining or as frequently updated as it has been because now i have better things to do with my time than sit in my kitchen in front of my computer. there are lakes to be walked and pints to be swallowed. perhaps this is why this one is so long... that this is my last night uninterrupted in the blogosphere. there will be more, i assure you, as i have a million random and pointless things to write about, but that they will be fewer and farther between. if they arent, i really need someone to show up at my door and drag me out for a night on the town. i dont want to waste all my pretty years in front of my laptop.

ok, i know i promised grandious stories of mashed potatos and guatemalan slavery and life lessons, but i'm bored. maybe i'll do that tomorrow while drinking my morning coffee and before the dog and i have our first real adventure. wish us luck... its a jungle out there.