just a quickie.

right before i moved to texas, he said "you can't get pregnant right after your period."

quote of the day: "ovulation. not the only time to get pregnant." nice.



also, weird. my pictures below posted in a totally different order than i uplaoded them. dont get it...

kick me while i'm down. please.

just as i start feeling pretty good about myself, god decides to throw me for another loop. testing me? i dunno. whatever it is, it sucks. i read this great thing that said "for every finger you point, remember three are pointing back at you." so, that being said, i've had about a million insults and judgements of character thrown my direction over the last week or so that bruised my sense of self pretty badly and made me feel pretty crappy about myself. i mean, i guess i'm dealing with them far better than i would have in the past in that instead of getting defensive or hurtful or saying fuck it and sitting around being depressed, i've decided to take these things with a grain of salt, but take them nonetheless and look at them. add them to my inventory. maybe if people feel this way about me, it is worth a real honest look at what these people have to say and take a real honest look at myself. i mean, yeah, someone tells you something shitty it sucks. maybe i did sit around for a day or two having a pity-party. these things definately made me question myself. for a minute, i felt like saying fuck it to all the work i've been doing because if i'm that shitty of a person then why the fuck bother. i guess the point is, if any of you have something to say about me, nows the time. i'm receptive to whatever you have to say, and i am willing to add this to my list of defects and look at them and address them and figure out what to do to change them to be a better person. sometimes i can't see something about myself that others can, so i'm asking for help. i need it.

as it stands.

so, fuck. after thinking long and hard about this i've decided that i pretty much have to go back to california to see the lawrence arms. both nights. maybe 3, if i have time to go to SLO. i thought about how much fun it was the last time they came to the bay and that pretty much, that was the best weekend of my life. then i looked at my pictures from last time and further decided i have to go. i know this time wont be exactly the same as last, but i do know that i heart TLA, that there are a ton of old friends i generally only see when the lawrence arms play, my friend ethan said he would go with me, like last time, and since he doesnt drink that also means that in addition to having his company, i also have a sober ride home. so. fuck it.

the lawrence arms are ruining my life.

so, i have some time to kill before work, also some catching up to do, and since i will be out a computer for an indefinate amount of time to have it repaired, this is going to be a big one.

first, let me start by saying that the lawrence arms hate me and they are ruining my life. so, anyone who knows me knows that this is like, one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE bands. also, anyone who knows me well knows that i've been bitching about how they havent been on tour for years and that its about fucking time. last show they played was november of 2007, and it was pretty much the best weekend ever. anyway. so they are about to go on tour again... and NOT to texas. at all. where are they going? thats right. california. 2 nights in san francisco, one night in SLO, a few nights in orange county and LA. what this means to me: i'd prefer to see them in orange county for several reasons but can't because it conflicts with fun, fun, fun fest, so looks like i'm coming back to the bay much sooner than i anticipated, and much sooner than i would like to. the good news is that bottom of the hill is probably my favorite venue in san francisco, not to mention my favorite place to see TLA, so if i have to go back to san francisco at least this will be worth it. of course, it would all just be a shit-ton easier if they would just play in texas dammit, especially since it is so much closer to chicago.

another few notes about bands. TONS of good shows are coming up, and the line up for fun fun fun is being released in 3 days. so far, i know lucero is playing which is enough for me. the jesus lizard, les savy fav, GZA, and 7 seconds also playing. its a 2 day show, so i can't imagine how many more bands will be scheduled, but i know it should be awesome. also, i saw set your goals on thursday and that was awesome for a million reasons, including how nice it was to see a familiar face in texas, and knowing that familiar face will be back in fall. i also realized there are no rules pertaining to shows in austin. honestly, it made me a little nervous, like, omg someone is going to die here. but no girls were choked in the making of this show...


linus has no balls now and walked around in a cone for a week. the first day home he was so drugged up i couldnt stop laughing. he would just stand in one place staring at nothing for incredible lengths of time. i decided i like him much better all drugged up, and if i could give him doggie valium every day i totally would. what was even funnier than that was watching him poop with this cone around his head. i took a picture, and i could imagine in his head he was thinking, "oh my god this is so embarassing."


hmmm. what else is new. i've scored 100% or above on every test in school so far and start cutting on monday. given that i've done so well at everything in school so far, i'm sure i'll do well at this too. this is so fucking exciting for me, much more exciting than color. i need some real live people for haircuts, which is going to be a small problem right now so maybe i'll put an ad on craigslist. maybe i'll meet my future husband this way, which we will talk about in a minute. i am so excited about cutting that i'm already looking waaaaay ahead at this 5 day advanced academy cutting class at the Paul Mitchell in Costa Mesa, so if anyone has an extra thousand bucks they'd like to shoot my way i'll take it. oh. this is my amazing set up, and its not even all of what i get!!!
also, i think i've mentioned it before, but i love love love getting dressed up for school.

ok. now we will take a little trip back in time about the statement i made about my future husband. no idea about who this dude is, but thats fine. what i do know is that i saw the cake i want for my wedding. it was at work, and just kind of staring at me like it knew. at first i thought, no WAY am i getting a wedding cake from whole foods. but i couldnt get it out of my head, so whatevs, i know what my cake looks like. it is all white. no frills, no fondant, no floral patterns. nothing. just simple and white and modest. i think thats what i'm looking for, or rather, not looking for but waiting for it to present itself. a love, a relationship, a companionship that is as simple and modest as this cake. i know, out of all the things i take pictures of, i didnt take a picture of this. i have no explanation for this. of course, seeing this cake made me think of other things. like weddings. and how along with a simple fucking cake i want a simple fucking wedding. no bells and whistles. a backyard, a beach in jamaica, or a barn out in the country. i dont really care. just simple. just love. just the few people closest. just "i do's" and being so in love i never let go of their hand throughout the night. all i want is to hold someone's hand softly with mine, and not hold them prisoner with my insecurities. i can't imagine anything better than this. ok. before i get ahead of myself with someday marriage, and how i will raise my children, i'm gonna get back to cakes for a second. i made this one!
so far, my favorite cake i've decorated said simply, "i love you, terri." i want a cake like that. so. bad. also, another one of my favorite cakes that i did NOT make is this one:
which, looks a lot like this favorite picture of mine:
this picture of the owls also happens to be one of the next tattoos i'm getting. i think it should say "tweethearts" underneath.... but it will probably say "lucky in love."
this one also reminds me of a tattoo i've seen, just not as gory...
ok. enough of cake pictures. back to husbands and children. so, i finally saw a movie alone. in my 28, almost 29 years, i have never done this. so, i thought since i'm in texas and doing a whole lot of new things, i needed to do this. and to be honest, it made me a little sad. but the movie was amazing, and it really made me think of what kind of life i want for my children. i want to raise them close enough to a city so that they experience real life and culture and crazy people and ethiopian food and children's museums, etc. but i want to raise them far enough away from a city so that they can catch tadpoles in a creek and built forts and treehouses and play games and just be kids. i do not agree with modern parenting, where it seems like nobody allows their kids to be kids. its always this and that structured activity, scheduled play time, clubs and classes and basically building 7 year old CEOs. Instead, I want to wheel my daughter Annette or Olivia or Carolina or maybe Boxcar down to the farmers market in her red wagon on friday mornings to get fresh flowers, and paint eachother's faces, and bake cookies, and cut her hair in the backyard and ask her what it is she wants to do, and if she wants to dig in the dirt, we will dig in the dirt. if she wants to build a castle out of clay, we'll build. I want to play catch with my son Connor or Aaron or Jake in the backyard, or play spies, or race snails we catch in the garden. I just want to be present for my kids. I want to be there to nurture them when they need nurturing, or to be available to them when they need to know why the sky is blue. And I want them to play so hard they scrape their knees and elbows, but I want to be there to clean the wounds and kiss them better. And I want to be with someone who wants the same kind of life for their children, but also someone who at the end of the day, when I've kissed all my kids' boo boos to make them better, will kiss me on the top of the forehead for security and who will tell me its all going to be ok when I'm afraid it won't be, and who will stand by my side through hard times, who will defend my character to other people who may talk poorly about me when I'm not there to defend my own character. I want someone who will stick up for me, who believes in me, who isn't afraid of how fucking scary loving someone can be, and that every relationship has incredibly hard shit to get through together and some times it may seem like the bad shit will never pass even though it always does, but I want to be with someone who will be there once the storm passes. I'm not asking for a partner who will move mountains, and I certainly know that there are no perfect partners or people. I just am looking for someone who will put me in my place in a constructive manner if i'm out of line, who will see my side even though they don't agree with it, and will just be honest and loving and thoughtful. In every relationship I've been in, each person has had some of these things. Every relationship teaches me a little more about what I'm looking for as well as what I'm not. Some more than others. And it also seems that as I become more clear about what I want, that every relationship is closer to what I imagine. As I'm growing up, I'm starting to understand that while there is no perfect person out there, that there is someone who is going to possess most of these things, and i will love them even for the things they aren't, as well as for the things they are, and they will love me the same way. i have a lot of work to do on myself before any of this is possible. im not stupid. but that doesnt mean there isnt someone out there who will just hold me when i'm having a bad day and understands that even working on yourself, no matter how far along you are, will always be a work in progress. There will always be an obstacle to overcome or a challenge to face. A little compassion goes a long way, and sometimes life is a little less scary when there is a lasagna waiting for you in the oven.

I dunno. Strange things are happening here in Texas. Things I really cant explain or understand. Not necessarily bad or good. Some bad and some good. Some things are just things. I'm still waiting on my Jordan Catolano moment- megan, you know what I'm talking about- but I'm sure that it will happen someday. I feel good. Maybe still a long way from happiness, but closer. I've also realized that I am missing a shit ton of movies and CDs, and also weird, that I am listening to Morrissey and the Smiths a lot. Things are good. I can't complain. All of this is happening for a reason, and I jst have to have faith and trust in that, and remember that when I am sad, or having a bad day, or a tougher time than normal that everything will be alright because it always is, sometime's in the least expected of ways. The people I love know they are loved, and that's the best I can do today. I'll admit that I've made a mess of my life and the lives of those around me. My birthday present to myself is mending what I can, in myself and to the ones closest to me... maybe even more so, those who are that much further west. Stay safe, be well.

Two songs for today. The first is more or less a result of how I've treated people, the second is, well, it is what it is.




My birthday wish list will be next.... And I still owe my readers my favorite moments of the last year.

my red right ankle

some days, this

makes me really fucking sad.

such is life.

some days, it is so hard to believe that its already been two months since i moved here. the time has passed so quickly.

other days, i cant believe i've ONLY been here two months. i feel so comfortable here, so established in my new life, that it seems impossible that everything that i've experienced, everything i've seen, how well i've adapted to my new environment could possibly have occured in just two months. it sometimes takes people years to get to this point. i have several circles of friends, school is AMAZING and i dont know why i didnt do this sooner because it is so clear this is what i should be doing. i know my way around, and if someone came to visit, i could give them a tour of austin as if i've lived here for years. i love how nice people are, i love my apartment, i love how content and hopeful i feel. these are two very new feelings. i love the state of my mental health, and that i feel so strong, so independent, and so free. i love that i have been given a chance at life, and to make it what i want it to be. its amazing what a change of scenery can do for your well-being. oakland was hard on the eyes and hard on the soul. don't get me wrong. i love the bay area. i love the east bay and i love san francisco. it is where my heart is. it is home. but i don't think the bay area is very nice. it has so many sharp corners and hard edges that will bruise you, cut you, and make you bleed. it is a very suit yourself, you're on your own style of living, much is any city. i think living like that for too long makes you cynical, cold, and hard. i don't want to be that way right now. i want to be warm and squishy. i love that last night, instead of hitting a bar on a friday night like most people i know, i stayed home and finished an art project, went for a nice walk with my neighbor, and played catch in my parking lot in a dress, barefoot, and wearing a baseball mitt. at one o'clock in the morning. i have been talking about getting a baseball glove for ages, and this is just one more thing i said i was going to do and finally did. i love my neighbor. he's become this sort-of best friend, little brother, confidant to me. we spend a few evenings a week on my front porch talking about life. he'll tell me about his day, the girls he likes, the girls that like him, his dreams of being a cop even though his dad wants him to be a politician, is about to start playing baseball with a local team and is hoping to make it to the majors like his uncle (i told him when that happens, i get dibs on good seats.) he'll ask me how school went, takes genuine interest in what i am doing with my life, lets me show him my DOLL HEADS and the up-dos and whatever and never begrudgingly, and always encouraging. sometimes we'll sit on the back of my car eating candy. he is seriously the sweetest, most kind-hearted kid. i love him to death.

oh. so. back to the bay. will i go back one day? sure. but not for awhile. i don't know that i will even come back to visit for a long, long time. i like it here. i think if i were to even visit right now, it would be a very sad, very difficult thing for me. i know that getting off that plane would mean picking up old memories, dusting them off, examining them, and maybe tucking them into my pocket to keep them close. and then i'd have to leave them all behind again to get back on that airplane. i like that my life starts now. i am creating new memories every day. i am creating a self, that i haven't known for a long time, if ever. i think part of this is having no one to focus on but myself, and i think a lot of this has to do with school. i had no idea the level of confidence and self-esteem that would come along with school. i just thought, yeah, im going to learn how to do hair. whatevs. but its more. its probably one of the only things i've ever done that is just for me. it has purpose. i have direction, and know where i'm going now. i think many of us twenty-somethings are lacking this. we go to college, get a degree, and then do nothing with it because we can't. so we're just this well-educated, poorly-paid, somewhat lost generation just floating around trying to fiugure out what to do next. maybe we look to others for guidance or ideas, maybe we have no idea who we are so we seek to find ourselves in other people. i dont know. all i know is that i am creating an identity each day i go to class. i feel good about myself. i put myself together, and i show up 100%.

all that being said, i haven't changed that much that i'm not going to throw out a birthday reminder. it is less than two months, and i most likely will be writing up my wish list.

i love you and miss you all.