such is life.

some days, it is so hard to believe that its already been two months since i moved here. the time has passed so quickly.

other days, i cant believe i've ONLY been here two months. i feel so comfortable here, so established in my new life, that it seems impossible that everything that i've experienced, everything i've seen, how well i've adapted to my new environment could possibly have occured in just two months. it sometimes takes people years to get to this point. i have several circles of friends, school is AMAZING and i dont know why i didnt do this sooner because it is so clear this is what i should be doing. i know my way around, and if someone came to visit, i could give them a tour of austin as if i've lived here for years. i love how nice people are, i love my apartment, i love how content and hopeful i feel. these are two very new feelings. i love the state of my mental health, and that i feel so strong, so independent, and so free. i love that i have been given a chance at life, and to make it what i want it to be. its amazing what a change of scenery can do for your well-being. oakland was hard on the eyes and hard on the soul. don't get me wrong. i love the bay area. i love the east bay and i love san francisco. it is where my heart is. it is home. but i don't think the bay area is very nice. it has so many sharp corners and hard edges that will bruise you, cut you, and make you bleed. it is a very suit yourself, you're on your own style of living, much is any city. i think living like that for too long makes you cynical, cold, and hard. i don't want to be that way right now. i want to be warm and squishy. i love that last night, instead of hitting a bar on a friday night like most people i know, i stayed home and finished an art project, went for a nice walk with my neighbor, and played catch in my parking lot in a dress, barefoot, and wearing a baseball mitt. at one o'clock in the morning. i have been talking about getting a baseball glove for ages, and this is just one more thing i said i was going to do and finally did. i love my neighbor. he's become this sort-of best friend, little brother, confidant to me. we spend a few evenings a week on my front porch talking about life. he'll tell me about his day, the girls he likes, the girls that like him, his dreams of being a cop even though his dad wants him to be a politician, is about to start playing baseball with a local team and is hoping to make it to the majors like his uncle (i told him when that happens, i get dibs on good seats.) he'll ask me how school went, takes genuine interest in what i am doing with my life, lets me show him my DOLL HEADS and the up-dos and whatever and never begrudgingly, and always encouraging. sometimes we'll sit on the back of my car eating candy. he is seriously the sweetest, most kind-hearted kid. i love him to death.

oh. so. back to the bay. will i go back one day? sure. but not for awhile. i don't know that i will even come back to visit for a long, long time. i like it here. i think if i were to even visit right now, it would be a very sad, very difficult thing for me. i know that getting off that plane would mean picking up old memories, dusting them off, examining them, and maybe tucking them into my pocket to keep them close. and then i'd have to leave them all behind again to get back on that airplane. i like that my life starts now. i am creating new memories every day. i am creating a self, that i haven't known for a long time, if ever. i think part of this is having no one to focus on but myself, and i think a lot of this has to do with school. i had no idea the level of confidence and self-esteem that would come along with school. i just thought, yeah, im going to learn how to do hair. whatevs. but its more. its probably one of the only things i've ever done that is just for me. it has purpose. i have direction, and know where i'm going now. i think many of us twenty-somethings are lacking this. we go to college, get a degree, and then do nothing with it because we can't. so we're just this well-educated, poorly-paid, somewhat lost generation just floating around trying to fiugure out what to do next. maybe we look to others for guidance or ideas, maybe we have no idea who we are so we seek to find ourselves in other people. i dont know. all i know is that i am creating an identity each day i go to class. i feel good about myself. i put myself together, and i show up 100%.

all that being said, i haven't changed that much that i'm not going to throw out a birthday reminder. it is less than two months, and i most likely will be writing up my wish list.

i love you and miss you all.

hhahahahahahhahahahah

oh, man. i just read what i wrote the other day and man was i angry. i guess i just needed to get that little fire ball of fury out of my belly and into the open, because i feel great today. but i sounded like a raging fucking lunatic for, like, five minutes! hahahahahha i love it. i love that i took a 5 minute pit-stop in crazyville and i love that i can laugh at myself about it now and how ridiculous i sounded. i love that i can take myself lightly and laugh at myself when its necessary. this is new. ive always taken myself and everything else soooo seriously. its lame. so, yeah, it was a fun little detour, and for what its worth, nice to have gotten all that emotional vomit out and away from my beating heart before i was taken prisoner but im glad its over. so whatever, i had a bad day. who doesnt? but fuck im glad i dont live my life every day like that. today my life is pretty much back to awesome.

anyway. back to school shopping!!! woooohooooo!!!!

fuck everything.

so, i pride myself on how honest i am, and today is no different. know how i feel today? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK. fuck everything. fuck you, fuck me, fuck everyone. fuck sobriety and addiction and recovery and withdrawals and this stupid fucking program and the stupid fucking people who tell me to keep coming back. fuck having a fuse the size of a fucking mosquito. fuck feeling anxious and panicky out of nowhere. fuck taking a long, hard look at my life. fuck amends and apologies and forgiveness and fuck liars and thieves and fuck california and fuck texas and fuck this stupid computer that doesnt work for shit even though its brand new and fuck my dog that i dont want to take care of and i cant afford and get no help paying for, even though i was promised help. fuck promises because they all end up broken anyway. fuck getting close to anyone. fuck trusting anyone. fuck making new friends. fuck friends who know you better than you know yourself and fuck feeling hurt and angry and sad and happy and resentful and confused and discouraged and fuck losing hope in everything you had put stock in to. fuck three meals a day. fuck wearing seatbelts. fuck starting school tomorrow and fuck red lights and fuck having to do laundry and fuck not being able to talk to people you want to talk to because you cant get ahold of them. fuck selfish people. fuck pride and stubborness and cockroaches and being broke and not having a bike to ride and a city too hilly to ride it in. fuck commitment and fuck love and fuck strangers who think they have it all figured out and fuck the little kid who wants the 3rd cupcake back in the second row because it has a little more blue in the frosting that doesnt taste any different than the red or the yellow or the purple. fuck feeling this way. fuck never being able to pick a song of the day that i really want because they arent bands that put out music videos. fuck these headaches and not being able to sleep. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

love loud, dont lose loud.

so, aside from cockroaches and flat tires on my bike and no bike pump and being too poor to pay rent (donations and doggy support greatly appreciated), my life is FUCKING AWESOME.




i really cant complain. at all. since ive been in texas, every day gets better and better. i feel like im on vacation. every day. i'm convinced that the reason for this is that it is impossible to feel like life is hard when you wear cut off jean shorts every day. i miss the cold, and sometimes i run my AC way up so that i can get all bundled up and pretend like its cold, but whatever. i GET to live here. i GET to work in a place where people ooh and aaah over all the beautiful bakery items, and i get to stand over them proud-like, as if i'm a curator of a fine art museum. i get to spend my days reading and learning, exploring, growing, getting to know people, etc... i havent been lost in weeks and it feels fabulous. the evenings in austin are what magic is made out of. at dusk, you are pummelled with life from every angle. fireflies, bats overhead, the songs of insects in the trees you dont hear in california, the smell of cooling asphalt, and sunsets that make you stop in your tracks to just stare. i miss california, and i miss my friends and the people that are like friends, but feel lucky as fuck to be here. even when i have a bad day, i am so grateful for this.





seriously. my life is good. i have an austin library card, and am reading a tree grows in brooklyn, and checked out a bunch of old movies which i have never seen before... its a wonderful life, bonnie and clyde, coal miners daughter (im in love with loretta lynn, fyi). ive been reading about addiction and recovery which has been amazing, reading about vampires and contemplating whether or not they actually could exist (and i've concluded that the only beneft to immortality is having enough time to do anything you wanted), reading about true crime, reading about reiki, practicing reiki (which i havent done for awhile and forgot how amazing it is. the healies. i wish i could offer it to every single person in any sort of recovery program.) i get to go on walks and sit by rivers and enjoy the shade. in addition to two jobs and school, which starts monday, i am going to take a french class, a glass blowing class, a tour of famous churches in austin, learn how to shoot a gun, and mmmmaaaaaybe go cave exploring. there is an exhibit at the museum i am really excited to see. i cant find a ballet class i can afford, but im still looking. also, i want to find a band i can sing for. i cant sing great, but i think i can get by. megan says i have gumption, and that gets a person far. you know, cuz once school starts i have so much free time.





i am trying to go to nashville for my birthday, and a road trip to memphis is in the works. i remember a time not so long ago, where i was so plagued with tunnel vision that i thought i only had one thing to look forward to, and now i know thats crazy talk. school starts in 2 days. im going to see the only metal band i like, which happens to be from oakland on monday night. my mom is coming on friday, i have two friends coming in august, trips in september, another fabulous show to go to in august with yet another band from the bay area and polar bear club, which i hear is a fabulous band to see. i have places to see, people to meet (including myself), life to live, love to give. i have so many things to look forward to its ridiculous. i get to go to school and learn something new, and something i will be able to give to people. i get to think about where i'd like to live after texas, if i ever decide to leave, and if i'm still in school its a toss up between SF and Orange County. If I'm out of school, its a toss up between SF and somewhere that snows on Christmas. i'm not worried about where to go next, but its fun to think about. also fun to think about is my kids. i will save that topic for another blog, because its a good topic and i think it deserves its own space. i've realized that living one day at a time doesnt mean i cant think about the future, but that i cant worry about it. its still important to think ahead, and to have goals, and dreams, and hope for what may come. i just need to be less rigid in how i get there, and a little more flexible in my planning. oh my god. you mean the world doesnt revolve around me? damn straight. its cool. it still revolves, and amazing things happen, and everything always ends up ok in the end anyway, even if its not always on my schedule.



new glasses. new song.

posts to look forward to: my life as a mom, movie magic time, and my favorite moments of the last year the photo edition (july to july).

morgan does dallas.

going to the library. be back with the 3rd installment of today's series shortly.

ok. so i guess shortly was a lie and its a few days later. whatevs. its a long story involving shitty internet and shitty brand new computers. anyway.

last weekend i went to dallas to visit my good friend sarah and had a fucking blast. i love that A) we hardly know eachother, yet know eachother well enough to share the same thoughts and B) that she loves doing geeky shit like i do. also i love her because shes awesome, straight-forward, funny and gets me. this is me on my way out of town. the shirt? got it the last time me and sarah were together. we got matching shirts. it has a panda on it and says "wtf." i realized after that taking this picture, we get another famous acronym of FTW. awesome. also awesome? its a band t-shirt for a band that is called "someday parish." nothing to do with pandas, but a good band.

so, i got there last friday after dilly-dallying at texas truck stops (my newest favorite thing about texas, also where i scored this beauty... yeah, its the state of texas around my pretty lil neck. why not? when in rome...): and ross where i got a new bag that was essential to my livelihood and best buy, where i finally got the paramore album. yeah, i cant pay rent but fuck it. so i got to dallas around seven and we just hung out around her house, catching up and whatnot. i dunno, around 11 we drove out to fort worth and went to the stockyards, which is this amazing little cowboy haven where cattle roam the cobblestone streets, and had a few drinks at this great place called the white elephant and i met some of sarah's texas friends.

saturday was awweeeesooomme though. we went downtown and i saw where JKF was shot, and the book depository he was shot from. we meandered through the streets, decided that next time i was in town we would take the bonnie and clyde tour, played in the fountains and had sparkle hour and shared fabulous tacos. we ate empanadas at this little cafe in this artsy district in dallas and in case you were wondering, this is what happiness looks like...

we watched jazz in the park, saturday night we went out, and dallas is waaayyy different than austin. we went to a bar where there is a gigantic jenga game out back, then went dancing at this place called the slip in and had so much fucking fun it was ridiculous. while waiting for our car to arrive from valet, we asked someone to take a picture of us and some random guys jumped in creating for us, the "random dude in picture" shot. then we decided we were hungry and that since I had never had sonic burger before, that was our destination. so, yes, i finally had sonic. are there are pictures to prove it. because as we all know, for whatever reason i have tons of pictures of me eating. i dont know why this is. sarah asked the lady at the window how she felt about popping my sonic cherry. and no weekend would be complete without about 700 rounds of shaking it. so did we have fun? i think a picture says a thousand words.

you can see the rest of our weekend here, which is also where i will be posting most of my photos since i take a lot of them.

song of the day, even though i have been AWFUL about this. not all my fault.

post no. 2.

so, i have a lot to write about today, and LOTS of pictures to post, but i am going to post several different blogs because not a whole lot of what i have to say is related. so here is number two.

so, the other night i was looking through some photos and realized two things: one, that i did not write anything about my cross country adventure and two, how awesome my last few weeks in california were.

i'm not actually going to write a whole lot about the drive out here. it was just a lot of time in the car with my dad and my dog, a lot of beautiful landscapes to take in, incredible sunrises and sunsets, and some great memories. linus got to see the beach for the first time ever.

what i really wanted to write about was how awesome my last few weeks at home were, and there is nothing i would have done differently. i spent some amazing time with amazing people. i explored san francisco in a way i have never done before. i spent time with people that i've known for years, but really got to know them and how awesome they are as i was leaving. i was more relaxed than i've felt in years, laughed more, cried less, spent time at the lake, picnic'ed, barbequed, ate burritos, let go of old things, faced my fears, saw my strength, went to baseball games, had a fantastic going away party, made mix cd's for my friends, took pictures, received the only hug in my life that literally moved me in every way imaginable, trusted my gut, started to forgive, started to face myself, was vulnerable and happy and sad and then happy again. i danced, i sang, i loved. and was able to walk away from everything comfortable and predictable and safe, and did so without a heavy heart. i realized that the people i have chosen to be part of my life are amazing, loyal, and genuine friends. from the day i decided to move here, until the day i pulled out of my driveway with tears spilling down my face, everything was perfect. i would not change any of that for the world.

the great debate. post no. 1 of the day. 3 more coming...

some time ago, me and this guy i know had this on going debate between which was worse- bakery or front end. neither of us, of course, had ever worked in the other department so we really didnt have any sort of vantage point on which to draw any conclusions. he always said he hated hearing about people on the front end bitch about how shitty their jobs were, or how hard it was or whatever. his claim was that he would take front end over bakery any day. i, on the other hand, being a front-ender, looked at other departments as if they were cakewalks and that the front end was, in fact, awful.

so now, i have done both. front end and bakery. and i'll tell you what. i will take bakery over the front end ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. seriously. its chill, the time goes by quickly, i get to move around... people give me hugs and tell me nice things like how i am "prettier than all the cakes." and at the end of the day, i smell like sweet, delicious baked goods. i smell good enough to eat. it reminds me of this movie "micheal" that came out forever ago, and john travolta was in it and he was an angel, and he smelled like fresh baked cookies which made women flock to him. i like to think it does the same thing for me, and even if it doesnt i can pretend. i like to think that my bakery scent now matches my sweet disposition. i match.

also, i got to decorate my first cake the other day. i was all alone in the department and this guy wanted happy birthday or something written on the cake and i was all, fuck. ok. so i told him that i would write on his cake IF he promised not to laugh at me and not to be mad because it was my first time. he agreed, and it turned out ok. i wish i had taken a picture.

thats all about this. i win. bakery is way better than the front end.