so, i know i was already here today, but i was rushed and i dont like that. now, i have some free time before i go to work, and thought i'd finish my earlier thoughts.
so, dinner was good, and not having to pay for it because my friend's cousin works at the tucson location and she is visiting right now, is even better. i have a clean apartment and clean clothes. i have, as one lady put it today, the cutest dog in the park and that he should be in advertisements, so, i'm feeling pretty lucky.
that doesnt mean that i am not angry. in fact, i am furious right now. something happened today that left me so mad all i could do was shake and cry. but this is what i am glad about: i didnt do what i normally do, which is to attack. dont get me wrong, the instinct was there but i fought it. even now, its hard not to unleash all my demons here on this page, to explain everything from start to finish and say everything i really want to say. but i'm glad that i'm not. there is no resolution in that. my immediate instinct was to really lay into this person, tell them how awful they were, how mad i am at them, make them feel guilty, shun them from my life, etc, etc. but this goes back to what i was saying yesterday, about doing my best to live my life in a way that i dont have to apologize for my behavior later.
i think one of my biggest motivators in life is doubt. this may or may not be healthy, and probably isnt, but its the truth. when someone doubts me, says i cant do something, or wont, or whatever, i will put every ounce of my being into proving them wrong. now, saying that, it sounds pretty shitty. so im going to rephrase and say this, when someone doubts me, if that affects me, that means i actually doubt myself and my capabilities to some degree. THAT is my drive. To prove myself wrong. Generally, if someone tells me i can do something if i just put my mind to it, my response is, yeah, i know. this is different. so, i have to hand it to myself. once i've commited myself to something, i'm pretty dedicated to making that change. almost everything in my life, once i've decided to do it, i do it well... So, that i made a commitment to myself to change the way i deal with my anger, and am actually doing it and will continue doing it, makes me feel proud.
also, in this angry frenzy from earlier, in addition to wanting to lash out at the person whom made me mad, my second thought was, ok, now what do i do now? forgive them? forget them? all of the above? none of the above? and just over the course of a few hours, and talking to the right people, i decided that i dont need to make that decision now, and not only that, any decision i make right now is going to be anger-based and most likely not the most rational. no one told me these things... i pretty much came to these conclusions on my own and by listening. wow. what a novel idea. listening. this is not something i've done well, as i've always waited for my turn to speak, and not been such a good listener. well, to borrow some corny phrase from somewhere else, the tides, they are a changin... by listening and not reacting immediately, i actually saved myself from a further argument that would have made myself feel worse and then would have spent the rest of the day beating myself up over it and waiting for my turn to apologize. thats amazing. and so fucking simple. i dont know why i didnt do this sooner. is this what patience feels like?
so, i can be mad. ive reasoned that for now, thats ok. the rest will work itself out. someone said something amazing today: i can finally stop hoping for a better past. it is so true, and something i will probably think about long and hard the next few days. it can be so hard to let go of old anger or hurt or resentments. at this point, i'm not very good at that. at all. but i'm willing to learn. and what he said reminded me of something else i read, which resonates throughout my head all day:
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end."
i have not been very fair. i have held so many things over so many peoples' heads. i do not need to crucify myself for every shitty thing i've ever done, either to myself or the people i love. nor do i need to crucify them for what they've done to me. i can forgive, and start from now and create the kind of relationships i want to have with the people closest to me, without having to find them buried under all the shit i may have put them through over the years or vice versa. if i ask for forgiveness, i should be willing to offer the same forgiveness in return. fresh starts. no one is perfect, and i am far from it. i make mistakes. sometimes i forget to do the right thing. but i do keep trying. and i will make more mistakes, that i know for sure. right now i am trying to learn, and grow, and be the best morgan i can be. just saying that, or writing that, feels like such an acknowledgement to myself, and because of that i know i can do this, and i can do this well.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
48 hours
a lot can happen in just 48 hours. or not a whole lot, depending on how you look at it. i have made it two days. today is my third. and its hard not to look ahead and feel like the next 27 will be daunting, but when i start to think like that, i remind myself what someone told me, and that is all i have to do is get through today. all i have to do is take care of myself today. it is 11 am now, so all i have to do is make it through the next 13 hours. and when you look at it like that, 13 hours is a whole lot more manageable than 27 days. thats it. just 13 hours. i can do that. there are times where my gut guts turned into knots and i feel overwhelmed, but i just try to remember that that feeling passes too, and it will be ok. not everything is easy, and thats ok.
i woke up thinking, ok, today will be alright. i will take the dog to the park, write in my journal, do some blogging, keep my commitment to myself, and go to work. by the time i am done with work, my day is over. then i will go to sleep and not think about tomorrow until that comes.
i went out to dinner last night, like, really out to dinner. to a nice restaurant with prices that made my eyes bulge. and i enjoyed it. i enjoyed getting dressed up and going out and having a good meal. i've only been to this restaurant one other time, a long time ago, with my ex-boyfriend and his grandparents. and i remember feeling really uncomfortable with them spending that kind of money on me, so all i had was french onion soup and shared a caeser salad with his grandma. its funny the things you remember. this time, i had a spinach salad, snap peas, macaroni and cheese, filet mignon, and a trio of desserts. it was delightful.
ok, gotta run. things to do. ciao.
i woke up thinking, ok, today will be alright. i will take the dog to the park, write in my journal, do some blogging, keep my commitment to myself, and go to work. by the time i am done with work, my day is over. then i will go to sleep and not think about tomorrow until that comes.
i went out to dinner last night, like, really out to dinner. to a nice restaurant with prices that made my eyes bulge. and i enjoyed it. i enjoyed getting dressed up and going out and having a good meal. i've only been to this restaurant one other time, a long time ago, with my ex-boyfriend and his grandparents. and i remember feeling really uncomfortable with them spending that kind of money on me, so all i had was french onion soup and shared a caeser salad with his grandma. its funny the things you remember. this time, i had a spinach salad, snap peas, macaroni and cheese, filet mignon, and a trio of desserts. it was delightful.
ok, gotta run. things to do. ciao.
Friday, June 26, 2009
second thoughts, or maybe clearer thoughts... maybe both.
so, the other day i wrote about wanting a date. i don't know that that's true. maybe its a little true, but not for the right reasons. i want company, and its been in my nature to look for company in men. this is not what i came to austin to do. i came here to grow, and to learn some things about myself. i've also learned that i came to austin for the wrong reasons as well, and i dont want to be here, but i'm here for at least 5 months until my lease is up and there isnt anything i can do about it other than make the most of it. so, i retract my earlier statement about wanting a date. i dont. all it would be is a distraction from what i need to do.
i want to be content in my alone time. right now this is hard because its not my choice. all i have is alone time and i'm sick of it... but i used to be content with myself and somewhere along the line i stopped taking care of myself, or liking myself, and started turning all my energy outwards. i guess thats my second goal, to find a way to do both. i dont have to stop taking care of myself in order to be of service to others. i dont have to put my needs last to appease someone else. i can do both. i have a tendancy to see black and white, even though i flounder around in the gray area of not knowing until i make a decision. whoa. i just figured something out. thats what i do. when i cant see one way or another, one outcome or another, an outcome or plan or decision, i just pick something instead of waiting to see what happens, because that gray area is uncomfortable for me. i guess its that feeling of powerlessness. when i dont know whats going to happen, i try to make something happen instead of just letting it be. i have conflicting feelings about this, because things in life DO require work. no one wins the lotto without buying a ticket, so i guess i just have a hard time knowing when to take action and when to sit back and relax.
about, oh, close to a year ago now, i was doing really well with this. i made a lit of things i needed to do everyday and did them; not a laundry list of errands, but a list of spiritual and moral to-do's. and even if my day started out crappy, i did what i could to turn it around. i was a much brighter, happier, easy-going person at that time, and i guess it was because i was taking care of me. then i gave up. wait. no. i stopped doing the things that made me feel good because i felt good, but once you stop, you stop feeling the benefits as well. maybe not right away, but soon. and then i gave up, and gave in to feeling destined to a life of sadness and lonliness, neediness, etc. i would stop taking care of myself, but that caregiver in me would still need a job, so i would then concern myself with other people who may need my help. so today, i am grateful that i have already laid the foundation for myself and the work i need to do, i know what works and what doesnt, so now that i am getting back on track i am not totally starting from scratch. i like myself better when i take care of myself, so does everyone around me. and, i am far more useful to others when i'm not wallowing in my own self pity.
i started journaling again, and started blogging again. i know this may seem like two of the same things, but for whatever reason, for me, it isnt. i get a different sense of clarification from both tasks. i write differently. my journal is more of an intense looking inwards, where as this is more objective? im not sure thats the right word. whatever. it works. i get what i need from both, so why not... and the alone time, at least for now i am able to look at alone time from afar and say i would like to enjoy that. thats a step. and im doing the best i can to keep myself so busy that alone time is going to seem like a gift at some point. i am starting to find comfort and support in a place that seemed so unlikely to me, and with people i never wouldve known otherwise. And through them, i am hoping to let my friends just be friends and not therapists, my eventual boyfriend to just be my boyfriend and not my entire life, and let these women be my support for the things they understand because they've been through as well. Everyone has a role, but not one person should be expected to fulfill all those roles... not my mom, my sister, my best friend. sometimes you do just want to talk, and sometimes you want to talk to a specific person, and sometimes you just want to have someone listen to you, and sometimes you want advice and sometimes not. and i dont have to give any of these things up, but my goal is to direct the appropriate conversations to the appropriate people. more importantly, i need to learn when to not talk and to just deal with a crisis on my own. in 100% honesty, i don't know that i've ever done that, because its hard and it sucks and you want to cry to someone and share your problems and have someone offer you sympathy and thats what friends are for, right? see- this is why i love blogging. because i write differently here than i do in a journal, i come to different conclusions, or a-ha moments here than i do in a journal. i just got it that maybe one of my biggest weaknesses is not containing my own sorrow or grief to myself from time to time, because it seems less toxic to get it out- but maybe thats the problem. maybe if i make it through JUST ONE crisis without turning outward, and managing that crisis myself, AND in a productive, healthy manner that doesnt involve booze or starving, i will find that source of inner strength i have been missing for so long. i do not mean keeping it inside, but to learn how to manage it on my own and being less dependent on other people to fix whatevers wrong. to sit with my feelings, acknowledge them, experience whatever they bring up, and then move forward. only i can do that.
this confuses me a little, because again, isnt that what friends are for? for insight or support or a shoulder to cry on? and sometimes, the source of our anxiety or worry is maybe something that was said to someone else, and wanting to apologize or clarify because having someone mad at you doesnt feel good. the other day, i was a really shitty friend to several people all in one day, including myself, and i am grateful that i have chosen friends who are so understanding and forgiving, and that the next day when i said i was sorry and didnt mean the things i said, they understood that i was just having a shitty day. this was also difficult for me, putting my pride aside and stepping up to the plate. i cant say that i wouldve done the same thing so soon a year ago. but what if they didnt? what if they took what i meant to heart and didnt welcome me back? i wouldve then had to deal with the pain i put on myself by being mean and losing those who are closest to me. that is the lesson i've learned from that. choose wisely. i have a tendancy to be intentionally mean when i'm feeling bad and that needs to stop right. now. and i am getting a WHOLE LOT better about this too. it comes from a place of defensiveness i'd i'd like to visit that place as little as possible. for example, about 4 months ago my sister and i had a fight and i said a lot of awful things that i wish i could take back. but when we got into an argument the other day, even though i was fuming and all those mean and hateful things were at the tip of my tongue, i didnt say them. this was a lot harder than just saying them, but a lot easier afterwards because then i didnt feel bad or feel the need to apologize. i want to do things that i dont want to have to apologize for later. this is how i want to live my life. this can be difficult because sometimes i think i HAVE chosen my words carefully and sometimes they still get misinterpreted, and then i feel the need to explain or fix it because that wasnt what i meant, but that can often make things worse. if i said something, and it wasnt taken the way i meant it, it is going to take a lot to convince the other person otherwise once they've already decided to believe what they believe, and then an argument errupts. so again, another lesson. take a step back. i know that i didnt mean it the way it was taken, and i should be able to go on with my day knowing that i wasnt trying to be cruel. it is really difficult to know that someone took something out of context, or the wrong way, and to not dwell on it, like THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOURE TWISTING MY WORDS! how do you not want to forge full speed ahead into making someone understand what you really did mean? i dunno. there are a lot of things i'm learning, and one of them is that i am not going to have all the answers today (and thats hard too, with my personality being so solution-oriented) and i'm still working a lot of things out, and i'm sure the answers will come. one day at a time.
i want to be content in my alone time. right now this is hard because its not my choice. all i have is alone time and i'm sick of it... but i used to be content with myself and somewhere along the line i stopped taking care of myself, or liking myself, and started turning all my energy outwards. i guess thats my second goal, to find a way to do both. i dont have to stop taking care of myself in order to be of service to others. i dont have to put my needs last to appease someone else. i can do both. i have a tendancy to see black and white, even though i flounder around in the gray area of not knowing until i make a decision. whoa. i just figured something out. thats what i do. when i cant see one way or another, one outcome or another, an outcome or plan or decision, i just pick something instead of waiting to see what happens, because that gray area is uncomfortable for me. i guess its that feeling of powerlessness. when i dont know whats going to happen, i try to make something happen instead of just letting it be. i have conflicting feelings about this, because things in life DO require work. no one wins the lotto without buying a ticket, so i guess i just have a hard time knowing when to take action and when to sit back and relax.
about, oh, close to a year ago now, i was doing really well with this. i made a lit of things i needed to do everyday and did them; not a laundry list of errands, but a list of spiritual and moral to-do's. and even if my day started out crappy, i did what i could to turn it around. i was a much brighter, happier, easy-going person at that time, and i guess it was because i was taking care of me. then i gave up. wait. no. i stopped doing the things that made me feel good because i felt good, but once you stop, you stop feeling the benefits as well. maybe not right away, but soon. and then i gave up, and gave in to feeling destined to a life of sadness and lonliness, neediness, etc. i would stop taking care of myself, but that caregiver in me would still need a job, so i would then concern myself with other people who may need my help. so today, i am grateful that i have already laid the foundation for myself and the work i need to do, i know what works and what doesnt, so now that i am getting back on track i am not totally starting from scratch. i like myself better when i take care of myself, so does everyone around me. and, i am far more useful to others when i'm not wallowing in my own self pity.
i started journaling again, and started blogging again. i know this may seem like two of the same things, but for whatever reason, for me, it isnt. i get a different sense of clarification from both tasks. i write differently. my journal is more of an intense looking inwards, where as this is more objective? im not sure thats the right word. whatever. it works. i get what i need from both, so why not... and the alone time, at least for now i am able to look at alone time from afar and say i would like to enjoy that. thats a step. and im doing the best i can to keep myself so busy that alone time is going to seem like a gift at some point. i am starting to find comfort and support in a place that seemed so unlikely to me, and with people i never wouldve known otherwise. And through them, i am hoping to let my friends just be friends and not therapists, my eventual boyfriend to just be my boyfriend and not my entire life, and let these women be my support for the things they understand because they've been through as well. Everyone has a role, but not one person should be expected to fulfill all those roles... not my mom, my sister, my best friend. sometimes you do just want to talk, and sometimes you want to talk to a specific person, and sometimes you just want to have someone listen to you, and sometimes you want advice and sometimes not. and i dont have to give any of these things up, but my goal is to direct the appropriate conversations to the appropriate people. more importantly, i need to learn when to not talk and to just deal with a crisis on my own. in 100% honesty, i don't know that i've ever done that, because its hard and it sucks and you want to cry to someone and share your problems and have someone offer you sympathy and thats what friends are for, right? see- this is why i love blogging. because i write differently here than i do in a journal, i come to different conclusions, or a-ha moments here than i do in a journal. i just got it that maybe one of my biggest weaknesses is not containing my own sorrow or grief to myself from time to time, because it seems less toxic to get it out- but maybe thats the problem. maybe if i make it through JUST ONE crisis without turning outward, and managing that crisis myself, AND in a productive, healthy manner that doesnt involve booze or starving, i will find that source of inner strength i have been missing for so long. i do not mean keeping it inside, but to learn how to manage it on my own and being less dependent on other people to fix whatevers wrong. to sit with my feelings, acknowledge them, experience whatever they bring up, and then move forward. only i can do that.
this confuses me a little, because again, isnt that what friends are for? for insight or support or a shoulder to cry on? and sometimes, the source of our anxiety or worry is maybe something that was said to someone else, and wanting to apologize or clarify because having someone mad at you doesnt feel good. the other day, i was a really shitty friend to several people all in one day, including myself, and i am grateful that i have chosen friends who are so understanding and forgiving, and that the next day when i said i was sorry and didnt mean the things i said, they understood that i was just having a shitty day. this was also difficult for me, putting my pride aside and stepping up to the plate. i cant say that i wouldve done the same thing so soon a year ago. but what if they didnt? what if they took what i meant to heart and didnt welcome me back? i wouldve then had to deal with the pain i put on myself by being mean and losing those who are closest to me. that is the lesson i've learned from that. choose wisely. i have a tendancy to be intentionally mean when i'm feeling bad and that needs to stop right. now. and i am getting a WHOLE LOT better about this too. it comes from a place of defensiveness i'd i'd like to visit that place as little as possible. for example, about 4 months ago my sister and i had a fight and i said a lot of awful things that i wish i could take back. but when we got into an argument the other day, even though i was fuming and all those mean and hateful things were at the tip of my tongue, i didnt say them. this was a lot harder than just saying them, but a lot easier afterwards because then i didnt feel bad or feel the need to apologize. i want to do things that i dont want to have to apologize for later. this is how i want to live my life. this can be difficult because sometimes i think i HAVE chosen my words carefully and sometimes they still get misinterpreted, and then i feel the need to explain or fix it because that wasnt what i meant, but that can often make things worse. if i said something, and it wasnt taken the way i meant it, it is going to take a lot to convince the other person otherwise once they've already decided to believe what they believe, and then an argument errupts. so again, another lesson. take a step back. i know that i didnt mean it the way it was taken, and i should be able to go on with my day knowing that i wasnt trying to be cruel. it is really difficult to know that someone took something out of context, or the wrong way, and to not dwell on it, like THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOURE TWISTING MY WORDS! how do you not want to forge full speed ahead into making someone understand what you really did mean? i dunno. there are a lot of things i'm learning, and one of them is that i am not going to have all the answers today (and thats hard too, with my personality being so solution-oriented) and i'm still working a lot of things out, and i'm sure the answers will come. one day at a time.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
What does it take...
for a girl to get a date in this town??? Austin is supposed to be one of the best cities for singles, which I took to meant, a great place to meet other single people. This is NOT the case. It was a lie. Almost every single person I've met here has a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. There are no single people here. Maybe it WAS a great city for singles, then they all met, fell in love, got married and had babies. Now there are no singles left, and its hotter than shit, and my dog is driving me crazy. All I want is a date. I want someone to ask me out, take me out to dinner, have a few drinks, maybe go to a movie and then talk about it afterwards. Maybe even tell me I'm pretty. I don't want a boyfriend, just a date, a band-aid, something to help me forget. I don't think that's asking too much.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
dance pants
so, this is going to be a quick one because there's a meeting i want to go to this morning, but just wanted to give a quick update...
so, i went to the broken spoke last night. and i did NOT find myself a rich man from the oil industry or otherwise. but i DID have tons of fun. this place was great, although at first it made me a little nervous... it was very thelma and louise- the dancehall- and i kept hoping to not get raped out in the back parking lot because i am really not prepared for a crime spree and to drive off a cliff. but it wasnt anything like that. this place is like, REAL texas. with people from texas, and not at all the downtown kind of folk you find on 6th street. no, ma'am. this place was full of cowboy boots and bolo ties and button up shirts. and every single person that i met was so incredibly nice. one gentlemen asked if i knew anyone in austin and i told him no, so he introduced me to half the place. the gentlemen (and i say this in all sincerity- they were all real, live gentlemen) complimented my dancing and asked how i learned to dance that well way out in california.
and i realized something last night about country music. it is just nice. the people are nice. there is nothing about it that is about being too cool, or aloof, or pretentious. there was nothing about looking great on the dance floor. i know this because not a single person in there knew how well or how poorly i dance, and yet they asked anyway, although at one point, someone told me i'd have no problem keeping up with anyone in that room. i walked in during the last half of the song the band was playing (the band was really good, by the way) and was asked to dance for just about every single song that was played from that point on. i two-stepped, i jitterbugged, i swing danced my little heart to contentment. and aside from concentrating on my footwork, a smile never lefdt my face. the second realization i made last night, though, is that for whatever reason, as far as country dancing goes, there is nothing weird or creepy about dancing with a man old enough to be your dad, if not older. i think out of the entire night, i danced with one, ONE, person that wasnt old enough to have been my dad and it was totally great. seriously. almost everyone in there was well into their middle ages, and maybe its just the honesty of country music, or being in a real, old country music bar, but i felt totally comfortable and at home for the few hours i was there. so i may still have to figure out a way to pay my rent, but i still did not leave empty handed.
*************************************************************************************Sidenote: as I'm writing this, a homeless man sitting at the coffee shop next to me struck up a conversation, first about my earrings. we got to talking a little more, he told me he was on his way to church, i told him where i was on my way to (and cried a little, because thats what i do) and he said something that for whatever reason, really touched me (which of course made me cry a little more) and i want to remember it always.
so, i went to the broken spoke last night. and i did NOT find myself a rich man from the oil industry or otherwise. but i DID have tons of fun. this place was great, although at first it made me a little nervous... it was very thelma and louise- the dancehall- and i kept hoping to not get raped out in the back parking lot because i am really not prepared for a crime spree and to drive off a cliff. but it wasnt anything like that. this place is like, REAL texas. with people from texas, and not at all the downtown kind of folk you find on 6th street. no, ma'am. this place was full of cowboy boots and bolo ties and button up shirts. and every single person that i met was so incredibly nice. one gentlemen asked if i knew anyone in austin and i told him no, so he introduced me to half the place. the gentlemen (and i say this in all sincerity- they were all real, live gentlemen) complimented my dancing and asked how i learned to dance that well way out in california.
and i realized something last night about country music. it is just nice. the people are nice. there is nothing about it that is about being too cool, or aloof, or pretentious. there was nothing about looking great on the dance floor. i know this because not a single person in there knew how well or how poorly i dance, and yet they asked anyway, although at one point, someone told me i'd have no problem keeping up with anyone in that room. i walked in during the last half of the song the band was playing (the band was really good, by the way) and was asked to dance for just about every single song that was played from that point on. i two-stepped, i jitterbugged, i swing danced my little heart to contentment. and aside from concentrating on my footwork, a smile never lefdt my face. the second realization i made last night, though, is that for whatever reason, as far as country dancing goes, there is nothing weird or creepy about dancing with a man old enough to be your dad, if not older. i think out of the entire night, i danced with one, ONE, person that wasnt old enough to have been my dad and it was totally great. seriously. almost everyone in there was well into their middle ages, and maybe its just the honesty of country music, or being in a real, old country music bar, but i felt totally comfortable and at home for the few hours i was there. so i may still have to figure out a way to pay my rent, but i still did not leave empty handed.
*************************************************************************************Sidenote: as I'm writing this, a homeless man sitting at the coffee shop next to me struck up a conversation, first about my earrings. we got to talking a little more, he told me he was on his way to church, i told him where i was on my way to (and cried a little, because thats what i do) and he said something that for whatever reason, really touched me (which of course made me cry a little more) and i want to remember it always.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
plan b.
the last few days the weather here has been pretty muggy, but a lot cooler. this morning there is a breeze that feels soooo good... so i havent been hitting the pool. but everyone has told me about this place called barton springs, so i think i will go today. apparently there are two parts: one, you pay to get in to and its people only. the other part is the runoff from the springs, and its free, and you can take your dog and have them splash around in the water. so that is what linus and i are going to do today, instead of the usual park. everyone says its a great place to meet people, so i figure its about time i check it out.
secondly, before i left for austin, i created a plan. well, two, but plan A is falling apart, so plan B was to find myself a rich oil tycoon, or heir to one, to marry and have babies with or whatever, but i really just wanted his money (shallow, i know, but whatever) and to be taken care of financially, while still having the freedom to do whatever (let me be clear: i am not looking for a boyfriend or someone to love, at least not at this point. my heart still belongs elsewhere. also, i am on boyfriend restriction until i am 30, so i have to find a way to do this and that). i think it was more something silly i said, and being that it IS texas, feasible. but i think it is time to put operation oil daddy into effect, and here's why: I worked Thursday, and it was fine, i'm really enjoying the bakery, and finally got to work with girls and one of them invited me to her knitting group on wednesday and even though i don't knit i think i will go and maybe cross-stitch instead, and I checked my schedule for next week just to make sure I was off early enough to go to Jenny Lewis, and thats when I realized I was going to go broke and homeless. I dont work again until NEXT saturday. yes, 8 days from the last time i worked. so, yes, i am looking for a second job to help pay the bills, and i've considered the obvious choice of being a stripper (which even as only is a consideration, most likely something i will NEVER do. i dont do drugs, and would like to not start again, and this is just not really a viable option.) I can't wait tables or bartend in texas until i get a certification, which i plan on doing, but until then i'm just looking at whatever will pay the bills. of course, i could move home and live with my parents and so adios to this big state, but that doesnt seem like a viable option either. i cant donate eggs, because you have to be a non-smoker for a year, and also my eggs are getting old and no one wants them anyway. i dont have belongings to sell, so thats out the door, and i have no savings. which leaves me back at square one: rich oil tycoon. it seems like the answer to all my problems. i could go to school full-time, and not actually even need to work; he could give me money to take the dog to daycare while i'm gone so that i dont need to find him a new home (also an issue i'm being faced with. i realized that once i start school, on days that i work and go to class, i am going to be gone about 15 hours a day and i'm just not sure if thats fair to linus to have to be home alone that much. its sad. i do not want to give him away. i love the little guy so much and he is one of the best parts of my day, but i'm just not sure if staying with me is best for him. i'm going to try for awhile, see how it works out, but if he seems unhappy i want whats best for him. if i could find someone to walk him during the day that would be different, but dog walkers arent free and i dont know anyone here yet who would. but like i said, i have some time, so maybe by then i will. its just something i've started thinking about.) so, you can see where the oil tycoon really solves all of my problems, from rent to doggie daycare and being able to keep linus AND feed him, to being able to focus on school.
so, this morning, operation pay rent is in full effect. i am at the coffee shop and actually have my hair and make-up done, and am dressed in something other than a tank top and ratty cut-off shorts, because i imagine oil tycoons like a girl with class. i am going to this country bar called the broken spoke tonight, and plan on two-stepping my way into wealth, literally. it seems like oil tycoons might hang out in country bars (i dunno, its a theory.) i first heard about this place from my ex-boyfriend's brother, and he said it was a great place to go, then a bunch of girls at work mentioned it as well. i figure if nothing else, i get to have a night of fun dancing and meeting people. this should be easy. a cute girl alone at a bar is pretty much the same thing as wearing a sign that says "ask me to dance." people are really friendly here, like i've mentioned, and alcohol tends to make people even more friendly, and cowboys are just friendly across the board. from what i've heard, it isnt strictly cowboy folk that go there. much like everything else in austin, everyone fits in everywhere, and there is so much to do, you could roll with a different crowd every night. i was going to go last night, but decided to stay in with a pizza and hang out with ross and rachel and monica and joey and chandler and phoebe.
god bless my mom for buying me a new tv. i've never been much of a tv watcher, but i cant tell you how much nicer it is to have around right now and to not sit alone in silence in my empty apartment. music is ok, but is definatley not the same thing as being able to watch a movie. and i finally bought amelie, which is something i've talked about doing for awhile and always forget to do. also, i bought groundhog day for $3.99 and watched that (sort of) while i rehung some paintings that were off-center and played fetch with the dog. i reference this movie in a really early post, and thought it would be nice to see it. oh! so some things i've recently learned about linus: one, he loves mud which we've covered. two, he likes to bark at other dogs when they are running past them and he chases them from afar, and i think that he thinks he's actually chasing them away even if they were going away anyways. three, he likes to chase birds until they fly away, but not aggressively. and four, he likes to put things in piles. sticks, toys, whatever. he gathers things and then puts them into piles. oh, my little weirdo OCD dog.
i went out thursday night after work to this bar called the jackelope and ran into some work people there, ate a delicious burger, and charmed the pants off of just about everyone i met, girls and guys alike. again, alcohol makes this pretty easy. i dont have to be drunk to do this, but it helps when they are. for example, i just sat there eating my burger, and this girl came up to the table to talk to the people i was with and i introduced myself, and she went on to say how she's had bad experiences with people named morgan, but that she thought i was awesome. also, one of the guys i work with has an english bulldog who is still a puppy herself (about 1) and we go to the same dog park, so i think we are going to take the dogs together. he's also in the same boat, about not being sure if he has enough time for his dog and that he may need to find her a new home. my first response was "i'll take her!!!" (because, and those of you who know me know this, before i got linus i wanted a bulldog and still do.) and then i realized that if i'm not sure if i can keep one dog, what the fuck would i do with two? i've tried to rationalize it, thinking that maybe if linus had a friend, the long days wouldnt be so bad for him. aside from my eventual lack of time, i can't imagine that one more dog would be that much more work than what i already put in. i guess its like kids. most people dont stop at one, and a big reason for this is so their kid has someone to grow up with. so, we'll see. if this oil tycoon thing pans out, i will totally take the bulldog. unless any of you want, or know someone who wants an english bulldog. then we can just have playdates. its funny, cuz i actually thought i'd meet more people at the dog park. everyone says they are such great places to meet people, and yet nothing. maybe this is my lesson. i've never been good at being patient. i've always expected immediate results and when i don't get them, i get irritated. i've always taken on projects that i can see progress with right away. even moving here, once i decided to go, it took less than 2 months to get here. i have a hard time waiting. so maybe this is my lesson to be learned. to be more patient, in all things. good things come to those who wait, right? maybe that's what i should tell my apartment manager when she asks for rent on the 1st.
secondly, before i left for austin, i created a plan. well, two, but plan A is falling apart, so plan B was to find myself a rich oil tycoon, or heir to one, to marry and have babies with or whatever, but i really just wanted his money (shallow, i know, but whatever) and to be taken care of financially, while still having the freedom to do whatever (let me be clear: i am not looking for a boyfriend or someone to love, at least not at this point. my heart still belongs elsewhere. also, i am on boyfriend restriction until i am 30, so i have to find a way to do this and that). i think it was more something silly i said, and being that it IS texas, feasible. but i think it is time to put operation oil daddy into effect, and here's why: I worked Thursday, and it was fine, i'm really enjoying the bakery, and finally got to work with girls and one of them invited me to her knitting group on wednesday and even though i don't knit i think i will go and maybe cross-stitch instead, and I checked my schedule for next week just to make sure I was off early enough to go to Jenny Lewis, and thats when I realized I was going to go broke and homeless. I dont work again until NEXT saturday. yes, 8 days from the last time i worked. so, yes, i am looking for a second job to help pay the bills, and i've considered the obvious choice of being a stripper (which even as only is a consideration, most likely something i will NEVER do. i dont do drugs, and would like to not start again, and this is just not really a viable option.) I can't wait tables or bartend in texas until i get a certification, which i plan on doing, but until then i'm just looking at whatever will pay the bills. of course, i could move home and live with my parents and so adios to this big state, but that doesnt seem like a viable option either. i cant donate eggs, because you have to be a non-smoker for a year, and also my eggs are getting old and no one wants them anyway. i dont have belongings to sell, so thats out the door, and i have no savings. which leaves me back at square one: rich oil tycoon. it seems like the answer to all my problems. i could go to school full-time, and not actually even need to work; he could give me money to take the dog to daycare while i'm gone so that i dont need to find him a new home (also an issue i'm being faced with. i realized that once i start school, on days that i work and go to class, i am going to be gone about 15 hours a day and i'm just not sure if thats fair to linus to have to be home alone that much. its sad. i do not want to give him away. i love the little guy so much and he is one of the best parts of my day, but i'm just not sure if staying with me is best for him. i'm going to try for awhile, see how it works out, but if he seems unhappy i want whats best for him. if i could find someone to walk him during the day that would be different, but dog walkers arent free and i dont know anyone here yet who would. but like i said, i have some time, so maybe by then i will. its just something i've started thinking about.) so, you can see where the oil tycoon really solves all of my problems, from rent to doggie daycare and being able to keep linus AND feed him, to being able to focus on school.
so, this morning, operation pay rent is in full effect. i am at the coffee shop and actually have my hair and make-up done, and am dressed in something other than a tank top and ratty cut-off shorts, because i imagine oil tycoons like a girl with class. i am going to this country bar called the broken spoke tonight, and plan on two-stepping my way into wealth, literally. it seems like oil tycoons might hang out in country bars (i dunno, its a theory.) i first heard about this place from my ex-boyfriend's brother, and he said it was a great place to go, then a bunch of girls at work mentioned it as well. i figure if nothing else, i get to have a night of fun dancing and meeting people. this should be easy. a cute girl alone at a bar is pretty much the same thing as wearing a sign that says "ask me to dance." people are really friendly here, like i've mentioned, and alcohol tends to make people even more friendly, and cowboys are just friendly across the board. from what i've heard, it isnt strictly cowboy folk that go there. much like everything else in austin, everyone fits in everywhere, and there is so much to do, you could roll with a different crowd every night. i was going to go last night, but decided to stay in with a pizza and hang out with ross and rachel and monica and joey and chandler and phoebe.
god bless my mom for buying me a new tv. i've never been much of a tv watcher, but i cant tell you how much nicer it is to have around right now and to not sit alone in silence in my empty apartment. music is ok, but is definatley not the same thing as being able to watch a movie. and i finally bought amelie, which is something i've talked about doing for awhile and always forget to do. also, i bought groundhog day for $3.99 and watched that (sort of) while i rehung some paintings that were off-center and played fetch with the dog. i reference this movie in a really early post, and thought it would be nice to see it. oh! so some things i've recently learned about linus: one, he loves mud which we've covered. two, he likes to bark at other dogs when they are running past them and he chases them from afar, and i think that he thinks he's actually chasing them away even if they were going away anyways. three, he likes to chase birds until they fly away, but not aggressively. and four, he likes to put things in piles. sticks, toys, whatever. he gathers things and then puts them into piles. oh, my little weirdo OCD dog.
i went out thursday night after work to this bar called the jackelope and ran into some work people there, ate a delicious burger, and charmed the pants off of just about everyone i met, girls and guys alike. again, alcohol makes this pretty easy. i dont have to be drunk to do this, but it helps when they are. for example, i just sat there eating my burger, and this girl came up to the table to talk to the people i was with and i introduced myself, and she went on to say how she's had bad experiences with people named morgan, but that she thought i was awesome. also, one of the guys i work with has an english bulldog who is still a puppy herself (about 1) and we go to the same dog park, so i think we are going to take the dogs together. he's also in the same boat, about not being sure if he has enough time for his dog and that he may need to find her a new home. my first response was "i'll take her!!!" (because, and those of you who know me know this, before i got linus i wanted a bulldog and still do.) and then i realized that if i'm not sure if i can keep one dog, what the fuck would i do with two? i've tried to rationalize it, thinking that maybe if linus had a friend, the long days wouldnt be so bad for him. aside from my eventual lack of time, i can't imagine that one more dog would be that much more work than what i already put in. i guess its like kids. most people dont stop at one, and a big reason for this is so their kid has someone to grow up with. so, we'll see. if this oil tycoon thing pans out, i will totally take the bulldog. unless any of you want, or know someone who wants an english bulldog. then we can just have playdates. its funny, cuz i actually thought i'd meet more people at the dog park. everyone says they are such great places to meet people, and yet nothing. maybe this is my lesson. i've never been good at being patient. i've always expected immediate results and when i don't get them, i get irritated. i've always taken on projects that i can see progress with right away. even moving here, once i decided to go, it took less than 2 months to get here. i have a hard time waiting. so maybe this is my lesson to be learned. to be more patient, in all things. good things come to those who wait, right? maybe that's what i should tell my apartment manager when she asks for rent on the 1st.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
so far, and yet so close...
ok. its been quite sometime since my last actual blog entry. maybe too long. so, i decided i would spend my free morning playing catch-up. and i may still include a song of the day, if i can think of one that suits my mood, which, truth be told, isnt fabulous. its not terrible, and i've had far worse days, but i'm just hangin out in the slumps a little these last few days.
so.... where to begin... i am now currently and officially a resident of austin, tx. this is exciting for several reasons: one, i've never lived outside of california until now and always wanted to and now i am. two, i love texas, and have decided that this is most likely where i will raise my children when the time is right. three, the people here are incredibly warm and inviting, not at all like the bay area. its a different way of living here. there is the city aspect of it, so if you are into the more hustle and bustle type of life, you can have it. but if you just want to spend the day by the river, or a lake, or at a coffee shop (as i am currently doing) or country dancing or hip hop dancing, you can do all those things here. my bff megan thinks i was pretty much born to live here. and i'm sure within the next few weeks, i will really have the hang of things. but for right now, i have bouts of sadness and lonliness, which i guess is expected when you move to a city 1800 miles from home without knowing anyone. well, correction, i know one person but she boarded a flight to costa rica yesterday morning and will be there for the next 8 days, so i'm back down to zero. so, yeah, i get lonely. the first week or so i was here i didnt feel it so much, as the newness set it and i spent my free time running errands, buying crap for my new apartment, replacing my life in terms of plates and couches and cleaning products, etc. but now, i've pretty much run all my errands and now i have a little too much free time. dont get me wrong, i'm enjoying the extra time, but do miss having friends to share it with. the dog and i wake up around 8, hop in the car, grab a cup of coffee and head to the dog park. he has just discovered mud, and is quite fond of it. at first it was cute, but now its just a pain in the ass. see below:
also, i like receiveing mail. so if you want to send me care packages or love letters or notes just saying hi and letting me know you havent forgotten about me, i would love to receive those. if you havent sent these things yet because you dont have my address, just ask me for it. also, if you have any pictures you'd like me to hang on my fridge, hand drawn or otherwise, send them and i will put them up. because even though i may be 1800 miles away, i will never forget you guys and i will always make time for you, even if things get hectic here in texas. or just bring them to me in person. i love visitors. love you and miss you.
ok, and song of the day...
so.... where to begin... i am now currently and officially a resident of austin, tx. this is exciting for several reasons: one, i've never lived outside of california until now and always wanted to and now i am. two, i love texas, and have decided that this is most likely where i will raise my children when the time is right. three, the people here are incredibly warm and inviting, not at all like the bay area. its a different way of living here. there is the city aspect of it, so if you are into the more hustle and bustle type of life, you can have it. but if you just want to spend the day by the river, or a lake, or at a coffee shop (as i am currently doing) or country dancing or hip hop dancing, you can do all those things here. my bff megan thinks i was pretty much born to live here. and i'm sure within the next few weeks, i will really have the hang of things. but for right now, i have bouts of sadness and lonliness, which i guess is expected when you move to a city 1800 miles from home without knowing anyone. well, correction, i know one person but she boarded a flight to costa rica yesterday morning and will be there for the next 8 days, so i'm back down to zero. so, yeah, i get lonely. the first week or so i was here i didnt feel it so much, as the newness set it and i spent my free time running errands, buying crap for my new apartment, replacing my life in terms of plates and couches and cleaning products, etc. but now, i've pretty much run all my errands and now i have a little too much free time. dont get me wrong, i'm enjoying the extra time, but do miss having friends to share it with. the dog and i wake up around 8, hop in the car, grab a cup of coffee and head to the dog park. he has just discovered mud, and is quite fond of it. at first it was cute, but now its just a pain in the ass. see below:
so after the park, we generally come home, maybe i tidy up some, give him a bath, then go lay out by the pool. yesterday's pool loungings were cut short though, because there were all these little gray fuzzy spiders that jumped around in the grass and they freaked me out so i left. i also received my last two boxes in the mail, again, most contents broken, so all my stuff is here that is going to be here. and i look around at my very empty apartment and think, wow. i pay for a one bedroom and could very easily be perfectly content in a studio. i dont even have a bed. i have an air mattress, which now that i have a couch, i havent slept on at all. sometimes i do some crafty things, like reupholster bar stools to make them awesome (yes, the leopard print is the upgrade):
sometimes i stand in awe of my huge closet, and admire how nicely all my shoes are in plain view for me, brand by brand:
i've finally started working actual shifts at the store, and i think thats really going to help pick up my mood, because i will be able to start interacting with people on a much more frequent basis and make friends quicker. yesterday was my first day in the bakery, and although i've heard horror stories about this department, i actually enjoyed it. i worked the bread department, time flew by, my coworkers were really pleasant (although the dudes far outnumber the ladies in this department, which is strange, because every other bakery i've seen is the reverse. it actually seems like dudes outnumber the ladies across the board in this store, which also seems strange to me.) and as funny as it sounds, i really enjoyed working. not just going to work, but doing actual work. lifting and moving and sweeping and whatever else. it made me feel productive and good about what i was doing. also, what really took me by surprise, is how much i enjoy the customer service aspect of it. i am really a people person, which makes me think i am really going to enjoy doing hair, and am super excited for school to start. i just wish it was sooner. so, work was good, and i think it will continue to be good. a bunch of coworkers invited me out after work last night and it felt good to be included and to do stuff that makes me feel like i really live here, and am not just visiting. i have another invite out on thursday; i guess a group of people go out to this place called the jackelope on thursdays and someone was all, you should go. so i'm going. again, feeling like i live here. the more friends i make here, the less lonely i will feel and the more independent i will feel. its pretty much a win-win. also, i'm sure my friends back at home will be glad when i start making friends because i'm sure this transition has been really hard on them too, with my much-more-frequent phone calls and texts at any given hour of the day. and friends- thank you for being so supportive and letting me whine and cry to you fromthis far away. you have no idea what it means. it can be hard to feel alienated, and what i'm realizing is that when you are this far from everyone you know, you end of feeling alienated from both sideas. like, your friends at home have their own things going on and can't just drop anything they're doing to take your call and because you arent there to know when they are free or busy, you arent sure if it is a good time to call so you feel a little isolated from your old comfort zone. and in your new city, you havent had enough time to create a comfort zone here yet, and so you are just sort of floating around in the middle feeling really lost. i'm doing my best, but it gets hard. so hard that i almost booked a flight home for the weekend, but was talked out of it by several good friends. not to mention, since i've only been working a few days a week (and not until about 3), and i'm up for two hours generally before anyone at home, i have a lot of free time just sitting around wishing i had someone to talk to. i keep pretty busy, but still... also, its scary to think your friends will forget about you since you arent there anymore, and so there is this need to maintain constant contact. so friends out there; if you get random texts about what i had for lunch, or whatever else, this is why. so this is why, this morning, instead of taking the dog to the park in the normal fashion, i decided to come to the coffee shop and be around other humans. because human interaction is impoortant, and it makes me feel better just hearing other people talking, even if it isnt to me per se. we will go to the park later, but i needed this morning for myself.
so, a few other observations about texas: sarcasm is not at all the free flowing medium of communication here as it is on california. i am no less clumsy or accident prone in texas thanb i am in california. at the park the other day, i plowed head first into a gigantic tree limb. and still trip on everything, and am covered in bruises from head to toe. also, the freeways here are fucked. you pretty much have to know where you want to go before you get there, because you cant backtrack the way you can in california. if you see something off the side of the freeway and try to get off at the next exit, it is close to impossible to just simply loop around. hmmm. other observations... well, its hot (duh) but i havent found it to be too unbearable yet. there are cockroaches and beetles here far more than in the bay, but again, not unbearable. i dunno. its just pretty great.
also, i like receiveing mail. so if you want to send me care packages or love letters or notes just saying hi and letting me know you havent forgotten about me, i would love to receive those. if you havent sent these things yet because you dont have my address, just ask me for it. also, if you have any pictures you'd like me to hang on my fridge, hand drawn or otherwise, send them and i will put them up. because even though i may be 1800 miles away, i will never forget you guys and i will always make time for you, even if things get hectic here in texas. or just bring them to me in person. i love visitors. love you and miss you.
ok, and song of the day...
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